Baby-related chores when DH is in leave

[Anonymous]

I’m of the mind that clearly the status quo isn’t work for you, so tell your DH that and talk about it. My kids are similar ages and I kind of sucked up a lot of resentment I had that my DH seemed to have more leisure time and energy than I did. That was not sustainable. Other people may say you should just suck it up, but if you’re on here complaining that you have had enough, then it’s time to figure out a different solution. FWIW, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your spouse to clean bottles and pumping parts while on parental leave. But talk it out with him to come up with a new solution. You have a finite amount of energy and time and patience and this is a time when all of those are clearly hitting their limits and that’s ok. Don’t hate yourself for not being able to do everything. No one can except in their imagination.

[Anonymous]

Yea, this is the young kid stage and it sucks - and honestly it's not that you want him to wash bottles - it's that you want the same downtime he has - so solve for that - get more bottles, pump parts (who gives a flip if it's another $100 - your sanity is worth it) and a new dishwasher if necessary - and KILL that part of your evening - it would be soul sucking for me and make me hate my life - free up that hour and go watch TV - TONIGHT!

[Anonymous]

Do any pumping working moms of 2 young kids have downtime? Is that a thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yea, this is the young kid stage and it sucks - and honestly it's not that you want him to wash bottles - it's that you want the same downtime he has - so solve for that - get more bottles, pump parts (who gives a flip if it's another $100 - your sanity is worth it) and a new dishwasher if necessary - and KILL that part of your evening - it would be soul sucking for me and make me hate my life - free up that hour and go watch TV - TONIGHT!

Yeah, I agree. Throw money at the problem. Buy more bottles and pump parts - you should have at least a two full days of bottles and two sets of pump parts. And buy some formula and switch on and off with a night feed. Or just switch to formula. And run the dishwasher half full. Or put toddler sippy cups and plates on the bottom rack.

Just do stuff half-assed and throw money at the problem.

[Anonymous]

Those microwave steam bags for pump parts would really help you, along with more sets of pump parts.

I used to resent my DH for relaxing and not doing the dishes. Now I also just ignore them and get to them eventually. I'm much happier. And we don't have a dishwasher.

This too shall pass. Lowered expectations and extra sets are the way to go! Watch some damn tv instead of washing them.

[Anonymous]

buy paper plates
use the dishwasher

this is THE hardest time and your taking parental leave and taking care of a baby is going to help you and your kids SO MUCH in the long run.

He will understand how much work kid stuff is. He will not BECOME YOU and prioritize or time things the way you do. And you will not become him, either.

Find solutions and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:buy paper plates
use the dishwasher

this is THE hardest time and your taking parental leave and taking care of a baby is going to help you and your kids SO MUCH in the long run.

He will understand how much work kid stuff is. He will not BECOME YOU and prioritize or time things the way you do. And you will not become him, either.

Find solutions and move on.

^^^^
Sorry, should say your DH taking parental leave and taking care of the baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH stayed home with the baby and as soon as I got home from work and picking up our toddler from daycare he was off duty. His rationale was he had been with the baby all day. No dinner, no help with bedtime, no folding laundry or washing bottles. He needed time for himself. The baby napped for a solid four hour a day. After a couple weeks of this I was ready to kill him. This sounds dumb to write out but I made a chart. The time of day by half hour down the side, and a column for each of us. Three colors - work, relax, sleep. My lunch hour was relax, my work time was work. Nap time and Netflix was relax, nap time and laundry plus Netflix was work. We filled it out for ourselves and each other for a couple days (took maybe 5 minutes to do) and compared. If we disagreed about which category something was in we compromised and figured it out and then tallied the time in each category for each of us. It was hard for him to disagree when he saw that he was getting roughly 8 hours of relax a day vs my 1.5 hours. We’re data people though, so this worked really well for us.

The other upside to this was to see what we were spending time on overall. You mentioned getting a new dishwasher - this was what prompted us to get one. We were seeing how long it was taking to load and it was because we were basically washing the dishes by hand first.

That sounds amazing! This is OP; thanks for a post that seems to get the situation! I have focused on washing bottles because we have this pattern of me washing/husband relaxing, but the bigger issue is communicating how little downtime I actually have.

You're welcome, I hope it helps. The other thing it helped with was finally talking about what we hate/don't mind doing. For example, it turns out he doesn't mind laundry except folding, which I don't actually mind. I used to expect that if he started laundry he'd finish it, and would get mad when he left it in a pile on the couch. Now I fold. Seems stupid, but when you get stuck in your blame mode it's hard to see what's really going on.

In addition to talking about what you don't mind doing, I would also say (in a non-stressful time), talk about what is important to you in terms of what helps you recharge. Turns out my DH really wanted to work out almost every single day - he was fine doing a quick work out but he slept better, felt better if he wasn't compromising on working out - so I helped make that happen. For me, I really wanted some down time at home on the weekend with no one in the house - so he would take the kids out for a couple of hours on Saturdays so that I could just be at home without someone needing me or needing something. And twice a week (or so), I just wanted to completely hand over the bedtime routine and sit on the couch and drink a glass of wine. By talking about what we needed, we were able to find solutions that weren't necessarily "fair" on a daily basis but were more fair over the course of a week or two.

I hate that people were jumping all over you. I think your overall concern about the imbalance is perfectly legitimate. Hope you and your husband can make some progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:buy paper plates
use the dishwasher

this is THE hardest time and your taking parental leave and taking care of a baby is going to help you and your kids SO MUCH in the long run.

He will understand how much work kid stuff is. He will not BECOME YOU and prioritize or time things the way you do. And you will not become him, either.

Find solutions and move on.

In fact, he might come out thinking he understands how much work kid stuff is but with the older child in daycare, he has it easy. So the experience could backfire.

[Anonymous]

You'll get through it. We did.

With 3, the youngest being twins.

It is all hands on deck for a bit. Run that washer until it breaks if necessary!

[Anonymous]

We have very different expectations for men at home with two small children and women at home with two small children.

Go read a thread where a man has complained that he gets home at the end of the day and not everything is spic and span or his wife wants a break. He gets crucified.

He just started on parental leave - he is adjusting to being home full time. Your expectation that he should not at any point be allowed to relax until you tell him too or that you have a right to criticize unless everything is as you want it when you get home is just wrong.

I will find a few threads where men complain about their SAH wives - especially when there is a young baby at home. The responses are a complete 180 from the responses here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have very different expectations for men at home with two small children and women at home with two small children.

Go read a thread where a man has complained that he gets home at the end of the day and not everything is spic and span or his wife wants a break. He gets crucified.

He just started on parental leave - he is adjusting to being home full time. Your expectation that he should not at any point be allowed to relax until you tell him too or that you have a right to criticize unless everything is as you want it when you get home is just wrong.

I will find a few threads where men complain about their SAH wives - especially when there is a young baby at home. The responses are a complete 180 from the responses here.

This is DCUM. All OPs get crucified. If the father had come on complaining about his working wife wanting him to help out in the evenings, he'd be crucified too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH stayed home with the baby and as soon as I got home from work and picking up our toddler from daycare he was off duty. His rationale was he had been with the baby all day. No dinner, no help with bedtime, no folding laundry or washing bottles. He needed time for himself. The baby napped for a solid four hour a day. After a couple weeks of this I was ready to kill him. This sounds dumb to write out but I made a chart. The time of day by half hour down the side, and a column for each of us. Three colors - work, relax, sleep. My lunch hour was relax, my work time was work. Nap time and Netflix was relax, nap time and laundry plus Netflix was work. We filled it out for ourselves and each other for a couple days (took maybe 5 minutes to do) and compared. If we disagreed about which category something was in we compromised and figured it out and then tallied the time in each category for each of us. It was hard for him to disagree when he saw that he was getting roughly 8 hours of relax a day vs my 1.5 hours. We’re data people though, so this worked really well for us.

The other upside to this was to see what we were spending time on overall. You mentioned getting a new dishwasher - this was what prompted us to get one. We were seeing how long it was taking to load and it was because we were basically washing the dishes by hand first.

That sounds amazing! This is OP; thanks for a post that seems to get the situation! I have focused on washing bottles because we have this pattern of me washing/husband relaxing, but the bigger issue is communicating how little downtime I actually have.

You're welcome, I hope it helps. The other thing it helped with was finally talking about what we hate/don't mind doing. For example, it turns out he doesn't mind laundry except folding, which I don't actually mind. I used to expect that if he started laundry he'd finish it, and would get mad when he left it in a pile on the couch. Now I fold. Seems stupid, but when you get stuck in your blame mode it's hard to see what's really going on.

In addition to talking about what you don't mind doing, I would also say (in a non-stressful time), talk about what is important to you in terms of what helps you recharge. Turns out my DH really wanted to work out almost every single day - he was fine doing a quick work out but he slept better, felt better if he wasn't compromising on working out - so I helped make that happen. For me, I really wanted some down time at home on the weekend with no one in the house - so he would take the kids out for a couple of hours on Saturdays so that I could just be at home without someone needing me or needing something. And twice a week (or so), I just wanted to completely hand over the bedtime routine and sit on the couch and drink a glass of wine. By talking about what we needed, we were able to find solutions that weren't necessarily "fair" on a daily basis but were more fair over the course of a week or two.

I hate that people were jumping all over you. I think your overall concern about the imbalance is perfectly legitimate. Hope you and your husband can make some progress.

These PPs have nailed it. You and your husband both need to have a conversation (not in the heat of the moment) about the things you each think need to be done around and the house and how you can each help with those. Like PP said, sometimes one of you doesn't mind a task that the other hates, so split things that way. Additionally, sometimes one of you thinks a task needs to be done but the other things that task is optional. I'm way more Type A than my husband is, so I have to acknowledge that he is ok with things being neat, but less perfect than I would like. If I want the books arranged by height, that's something I'm going to need to do. Finally, definitely figure out what you each need to do to recharge. This is also likely different. The biggest issues I've encountered in my marriage and seen in my friends' marriages come about when people expect their spouse to think like them.

[Anonymous]

Why not just leave the dishes? With my 2nd child i refrigerated my pump parts as opposed to washing them every use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop pumping. It's a lot of work for little benefit.

This. They all get sick with the same crud in kindergarten, and your kid may or not be a genius from your liquid gold. Save your sanity.