Baby-related chores when DH is in leave

[Anonymous]

If you have plenty of stuff, USE THE DISHWASHER!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Soooo much hypocrisy. Stop keeping score and either use your dishwasher or buy more parts. Would you tell a SAHM that she wasn’t doing enough during the day and that she can’t chill for a bit once you get home from work? All I ever hear in this board are women complaining about how their working husband doesn’t do enough once he gets him from work and how unfair it is since they’re busy allll day long with the kids. Somehow when the roles are reversed it means your DH is somehow still slacking off because you’re expected to pitch in as well?

Did you miss the part where I’m still doing overnight wake ups? Okay, I get it. I suck. I just am not sleeping and he is and I have to go to work and function and he stays home and exercises during the baby’s naps and then I come home and work on kid stuff and house chores and scarf down dinner while he watched TV and go to sleep and then get up to feed the baby, rinse and repeat. I totally suck big time because I want some parity in downtime.

Buy more bottles and pump parts. Toddler eats on paper plates till you are done pumping. Run dishwasher twice a day to get pump parts and bottles through. Rotate the over night feed beginning now. Kid can have second bottle in middle of night. Next night you feed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4 month old and a 3 year old as well and exclusively pump. DO NOT HANDWASH ALL THE PARTS! Prioritize dishwasher space for the bottles and pump parts. I put all my bottles and pump parts in at night before bed and run the long cycle and heat dry. There is no way I could hand wash them better. You are picking this fight. If your toddler has so many dishes, then have your DH run them during the day. Just run the dishwasher multiple times. Your angst is unnecessary. I understand that when you’re tired and frustrated there seems to be no options, but there is. I’m exhausted too, but this is not a big enough hill to die on.

+1
Or give the toddler regular (adult) dishes if they fit in the dishwasher better. If the problem is sippy cups, stop using those. By 3 I am sure they are using open cups at daycare, so do this at home. (Don't fill them very full at first.)

[Anonymous]

Why cant you buy more parts so you're not constantly washing?
Also, load that stuff into the dishwasher especially if you're about to run a load.

Give Dh a bit of a break. He's w/ both kids all day long and probably assumes you'll "fill in" here and there while he takes a few minutes to recharge himself (read a book, veg out on his phone, etc).

If this was reversed- dh coming home from work and DW home all day w/kids - the sympathy would shift the other way, no? How many moms on here feel burnt out at the end of the day and tap out the minute DH walks through the door?

[Anonymous]

I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

[Anonymous]

OP here. As mentioned, we do have a lot of parts/bottles, but of course they have to be washed at some point. Sounds like the dishwasher is the way to go; that should work as long as DH runs the regular stuff during the day (since our dishwasher is typicslly full already), one of us unloads it in the evening, and then I can run it another time overnight. I’m guessing most of you have better dishwashers than we do, since our stuff generally needs a pre-dishwasher rinse to get really clean. Maybe it’s time for a new one.

No one thinks we should split up this task in the evenings? Under this scenario I assume I’m still the one dealing with the bottles/pump parts, although I hope the dishwasher will cut back on the time. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

I understand. My DH stayed home for a month and I still ended up doing the dishes, groceries, cooking, etc. while he played with older sibling. He doesn't know how to let the kids play and explore solo while he does chores. In addition to buying extra bottles and parts, I switched to Corelle dishes which take less space in the dishwasher. I have dishwasher baskets that let me stack two layers of bottle pumps on top of each other. I also figured out which top rack stuff can go into the bottom rack.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t matter what we think is reasonable, what matters is what you and your husband think is reasonable. In your case, I would say something like “hey babe, I know babies are a ton of work and you don’t always have time to wash all the bottles during the day, but coming home from work and having a whole bunch more stuff to do while you chill out with your book is making me feel [...however it’s making you feel — like you’re not a team?]. I’d like us to handle this differently.” And then listen. Be open to his suggestions as long as they accomplish your goal (feeling supported and like you guys are in this together), even if they’re not how you’d prefer it to be handled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.

[Anonymous]

If he's been with a 3 month old all day, I can understand why he doesn't want to wash bottles at 9pm at night.

I agree to get more pump parts and use the dishwasher, and also disposable dishes for the rest of the family. We also used bottles with disposable liners and felt that helped a lot too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.

Woooow apparently you’re also a drama queen who loves to play the victim. Your poor DH. Would love to hear his side now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.

You are definitely a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime, which is why you have limited problem solving ability around this issue. You do not suck.

The dishwasher idea is the way to go. I would also ask how many sets of pump parts you have. I found that three was the magic number for me - two at home and one at work in case I spaced parts due to being, like you, a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime.

[Anonymous]

I have kids about the same age (well, the same gap, but now a year on), so I totally understand the tension! Here is my perspective:
1- I agree with PPs that you should get more pump parts and bottle parts so that you never have to stay up to make sure they get a turn through the dishwasher.
2- Recognize that being at home with the baby is draining (even if it's also lovely), so be empathetic that he may want some downtime at night after bedtime (I certainly do, and I'm not even home with my kids anymore!)
3- That said, you need to chat with him about how to streamline the "home shift," preferably sometime when neither of you are in a big rush or cranky. Maybe the solution is to run the dishwasher 2x/day, or get your 3yr old plates that can go in the bottom rack, or for you to take one task after bedtime (e.g., the dishes) while he takes the other (cleaning up the food all over your kitchen, if your kids are like mine lol), and if he wants to do his shift after you go to bed, that's fine! In our house, I would put all the pump parts in the dishwasher, and DH would empty the dishwasher in the AM while I was feeding the baby. I do most of bedtime while DH gets a headstart on cleaning up after dinner. Point is, it doesn't matter what division of labor you choose, just that you need to be clear about what you need, and you guys need to come up with a plan.
4- Try your best to remember that probably 85% of all tension and annoyance and the rest comes from the fact that you are tired. Two young kids are HARD, especially when they aren't doing their nights. So try to be kind to one another (this is advice I need to remind myself to take too--it's hard, good luck!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand. My DH stayed home for a month and I still ended up doing the dishes, groceries, cooking, etc. while he played with older sibling. He doesn't know how to let the kids play and explore solo while he does chores. In addition to buying extra bottles and parts, I switched to Corelle dishes which take less space in the dishwasher. I have dishwasher baskets that let me stack two layers of bottle pumps on top of each other. I also figured out which top rack stuff can go into the bottom rack.

Thanks for this. If you’re still around, any suggestions on what can go on the bottom rack. I think I posted this in the wrong forum; maybe more folks in Expectant/Postpartum or Infants/Toddlers remember this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4- Try your best to remember that probably 85% of all tension and annoyance and the rest comes from the fact that you are tired. Two young kids are HARD, especially when they aren't doing their nights. So try to be kind to one another (this is advice I need to remind myself to take too--it's hard, good luck!)

NP here. I agree about being kind, but time for some perspective - OP's 3 year old is not at home all day, but in day care.