selecting a legal guardian for kids, grandparents not the best choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree. Do not set your kids up for a legal custody battle. If your parents think they are the ones, they are likely to fight it. Make the decision and tell your parents gently.

I don’t think there is one “right” answer.
I did not tell my parents we took them off. Why? Because the chances are so slight it’s not worth ruining a family dynamic now. No matter how gently I broke it, my parents would be mad or hurt. I specifically wrote in our will reasons why they were not named (mainly age, 76 year age difference makes them over 90 when the last child would be out of school).
Only you can guess if your parents would take it well, or if it would just fuel them up to fight about it now. My MIL has threatened us with “grandparents right” Had she ever been named, there is no way I would tell her she was removed.

[Anonymous]

Current financial status of potential guardian should have nothing to do with the decision. This is literally why life insurance exists. Term life insurance is super cheap. My BIL and SIL will get more than $1M plus fully funded 529s for our kids's college education. If your husband's sister is responsible and would be a good guardian for your kids, then her "lack of means" should have zero to do with that decision (unless you think she is irresponsible and would squander the money somehow - but that's a separate issue from current financial situation).

I think you should get the will and guardian all lined up and just give the grandparents a heads-up. Don't make a big deal about it. My dad (who is very financially astute) was the executor of our will for a long time, but we recently changed it to my brother. I just explained it was time to move all responsibilities in our will to people in our generation. He was totally understanding of that.

We picked my husband's brother and his wife to be our kids' guardian. They are great and we feel 100% comfortable with that. We are not their kids' guardian - she has a sister who lives nearby so it wouldn't entail uprooting their kids if something happened to them. But my husband and I are the named guardians for my cousin's kids - her immediate family are all a bit nutty so she wanted someone a bit more stable. So I think extended family (or even friends) can be good options depending on all the dynamics.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:life insurance, and pick one of the aunts or uncles. would you really want your kids to go to some random cousin? the person may not be ideal, but there's something to be said for immediate family. on the flip side, I'm not sure I would agree to take a non-immediate relative's kids just because the parents superficially dislike the kids' own aunts/uncles.

Why should immediate family member be burdened with the child that they didn't choose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both of you are gone, all your assets should pass to your children, unless you have made other arrangements. The advice we got was to have a trustee (who is NOT the same person as the guardian for your children) be in charge of managing the financial aspects. If you have sufficient assets (life insurance, house, cars, savings accounts, investments, etc) then there should be enough to provide for your children without putting an undue financial burden on whoever you choose as guardian.
And ask that person if they agree to play that role, but you don't need to bring it up to anyone else. Chances are, it will only be words on a piece of paper and never need to be publicly known (but that is not an excuse to avoid doing it)

This was what we focused on too. I didn't want my DH's family doing anything for control of any money. They are terrible with money. I made my sister the trustee. I also told her that I trust she and my mother to figure out the best guardians and we chatted about the options. Maybe it would be my inlaws, but that she should still control my kid's finances until they are adults. The thing is, life it LONG. You don't want guardians set in stone (and you can't really do that legally anyhow) since who knows what will happen down the road. But I wanted someone who shared my financial values to control our kid's money, so I made sure that was set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I want to start planning some trips together and know we should select a legal guardian for our kids in the event something happens to us. My parents already declared years ago that we should choose them-- in fact, they assume we would-- but we whole-heartedly disagree. They have good hearts and good intentions but are over 70 and do not exhibit the best behavior and judgment. They are extremely religious, somewhat bigoted and we feel they would influence our kids in a way that would turn them into bizarre adults with strange hang-ups. For example, my mother has a lot of very "old lady" behaviors that seem to rub off on our kids when she visits, such as unusual dietary complaints-- that's too sweet! Too spicy! Too salty! And our kids repeat them until we program that out of them after she leaves.

DH's parents are older and not in good health, so they're out of the question. Both DH and I have siblings but one, his sister, lives alone and while a kind, responsible person, does not have the means and most likely will never have the means to look after kids. And my siblings are also single but have little to no interest in kids.

So, we are starting to look at our cousins and friends. DH has a married cousin he is close to who has the means and energy for kids but just never had any. We think he and his wife would be great. We also have been friends with a couple that is a little older, also without kids of their own but very energetic and down to earth and have become like family. We are thinking of asking both of these couples.

Has anyone else dealt with this situation, when family members just aren't the best people to list? Was there a bad fallout in terms of breaking it to the devoted grandparents who you would just never want to leave your kids with for years?

When our first child was born we asked my husband's eldest brother and his wife to serve as guardians. Many years later, we re-evaluated and chose my brother and his wife. We changed our will and didn't tell my husband's brother. Didn't see the need to open that can of worms for 1) something that is unlikely to happen; and 2) I highly doubt my BIL and his wife are going to go to court or something. Their own kids are out of the house and they are about to become grandparents.

In your case, it might be worth it to consult with an attorney in your state. Choosing a cousin or family friends is more likely to invite a challenge, but I'd think you could add a written or videotaped statement. I'm not sure I'd bring it up with grandparents unless there was no way to avoid the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Current financial status of potential guardian should have nothing to do with the decision. This is literally why life insurance exists. Term life insurance is super cheap. My BIL and SIL will get more than $1M plus fully funded 529s for our kids's college education. If your husband's sister is responsible and would be a good guardian for your kids, then her "lack of means" should have zero to do with that decision (unless you think she is irresponsible and would squander the money somehow - but that's a separate issue from current financial situation).

I think you should get the will and guardian all lined up and just give the grandparents a heads-up. Don't make a big deal about it. My dad (who is very financially astute) was the executor of our will for a long time, but we recently changed it to my brother. I just explained it was time to move all responsibilities in our will to people in our generation. He was totally understanding of that.

We picked my husband's brother and his wife to be our kids' guardian. They are great and we feel 100% comfortable with that. We are not their kids' guardian - she has a sister who lives nearby so it wouldn't entail uprooting their kids if something happened to them. But my husband and I are the named guardians for my cousin's kids - her immediate family are all a bit nutty so she wanted someone a bit more stable. So I think extended family (or even friends) can be good options depending on all the dynamics.

Good luck.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:life insurance, and pick one of the aunts or uncles. would you really want your kids to go to some random cousin? the person may not be ideal, but there's something to be said for immediate family. on the flip side, I'm not sure I would agree to take a non-immediate relative's kids just because the parents superficially dislike the kids' own aunts/uncles.

Why should immediate family member be burdened with the child that they didn't choose?

Dude. No one SHOULD be burdened by kids they didn't choose. But if you have a good relationship with your siblings and they left their kids orphaned I don't know a CLBC person who wouldn't feel like they COULD step it up. But I guess that is just how the families I know roll. We are the only ones of our siblings to have kids. All by choice. One set is still a guardian and has said it's an honor to be that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Current financial status of potential guardian should have nothing to do with the decision. This is literally why life insurance exists. Term life insurance is super cheap. My BIL and SIL will get more than $1M plus fully funded 529s for our kids's college education. If your husband's sister is responsible and would be a good guardian for your kids, then her "lack of means" should have zero to do with that decision (unless you think she is irresponsible and would squander the money somehow - but that's a separate issue from current financial situation).

I think you should get the will and guardian all lined up and just give the grandparents a heads-up. Don't make a big deal about it. My dad (who is very financially astute) was the executor of our will for a long time, but we recently changed it to my brother. I just explained it was time to move all responsibilities in our will to people in our generation. He was totally understanding of that.

We picked my husband's brother and his wife to be our kids' guardian. They are great and we feel 100% comfortable with that. We are not their kids' guardian - she has a sister who lives nearby so it wouldn't entail uprooting their kids if something happened to them. But my husband and I are the named guardians for my cousin's kids - her immediate family are all a bit nutty so she wanted someone a bit more stable. So I think extended family (or even friends) can be good options depending on all the dynamics.

Good luck.

Agreed.

The Lawyer we worked with to set up the will helped us think out how the trust fund would work and how to take the trust into our child's adult life. He pointed out that we probably would not want DS to have access to all the funds when they turned 18 and helped us think out how to handle those issues. He also discussed the importance of making sure that the Guardians have some access to funds in case something devastating happens to the Guardians, like the death of the primary bread winners.

We both carry $1 Million in insurance, which might be a bit low, plus the insurance that comes with our jobs. We also have our 401Ks, DSs 529 Plan, and Social Security to help DSs Guardians raise him. Our biggest problem is that our family does not live close to one another, my siblings live in 3 different states, and DS will have to move if something happens to us. We choose a sibling who lives close to my husbands family so that DS would be able to see both sides of the family on a regular basis.

The Lawyer also told us that the Will has to be the version that we have and cannot come from his office so the copy we took from the office is the only one that matters.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you imposing a financial burden on a guardian that will take care of your children? Go get some term life insurance ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current financial status of potential guardian should have nothing to do with the decision. This is literally why life insurance exists. Term life insurance is super cheap. My BIL and SIL will get more than $1M plus fully funded 529s for our kids's college education. If your husband's sister is responsible and would be a good guardian for your kids, then her "lack of means" should have zero to do with that decision (unless you think she is irresponsible and would squander the money somehow - but that's a separate issue from current financial situation).

I think you should get the will and guardian all lined up and just give the grandparents a heads-up. Don't make a big deal about it. My dad (who is very financially astute) was the executor of our will for a long time, but we recently changed it to my brother. I just explained it was time to move all responsibilities in our will to people in our generation. He was totally understanding of that.

We picked my husband's brother and his wife to be our kids' guardian. They are great and we feel 100% comfortable with that. We are not their kids' guardian - she has a sister who lives nearby so it wouldn't entail uprooting their kids if something happened to them. But my husband and I are the named guardians for my cousin's kids - her immediate family are all a bit nutty so she wanted someone a bit more stable. So I think extended family (or even friends) can be good options depending on all the dynamics.

Good luck.

Agreed.

The Lawyer we worked with to set up the will helped us think out how the trust fund would work and how to take the trust into our child's adult life. He pointed out that we probably would not want DS to have access to all the funds when they turned 18 and helped us think out how to handle those issues. He also discussed the importance of making sure that the Guardians have some access to funds in case something devastating happens to the Guardians, like the death of the primary bread winners.

We both carry $1 Million in insurance, which might be a bit low, plus the insurance that comes with our jobs. We also have our 401Ks, DSs 529 Plan, and Social Security to help DSs Guardians raise him. Our biggest problem is that our family does not live close to one another, my siblings live in 3 different states, and DS will have to move if something happens to us. We choose a sibling who lives close to my husbands family so that DS would be able to see both sides of the family on a regular basis.

The Lawyer also told us that the Will has to be the version that we have and cannot come from his office so the copy we took from the office is the only one that matters.

For just this reason, we chose close family friends who live in the area.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why people make this a thing. DON'T TELL ANYONE BUT THE PEOPLE YOU CHOSE WHO YOU CHOSE. We also chose friends, and our parents and siblings are none the wiser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:life insurance, and pick one of the aunts or uncles. would you really want your kids to go to some random cousin? the person may not be ideal, but there's something to be said for immediate family. on the flip side, I'm not sure I would agree to take a non-immediate relative's kids just because the parents superficially dislike the kids' own aunts/uncles.

Why should immediate family member be burdened with the child that they didn't choose?

Dude. No one SHOULD be burdened by kids they didn't choose. But if you have a good relationship with your siblings and they left their kids orphaned I don't know a CLBC person who wouldn't feel like they COULD step it up. But I guess that is just how the families I know roll. We are the only ones of our siblings to have kids. All by choice. One set is still a guardian and has said it's an honor to be that.

CLBC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:life insurance, and pick one of the aunts or uncles. would you really want your kids to go to some random cousin? the person may not be ideal, but there's something to be said for immediate family. on the flip side, I'm not sure I would agree to take a non-immediate relative's kids just because the parents superficially dislike the kids' own aunts/uncles.

Why should immediate family member be burdened with the child that they didn't choose?

Dude. No one SHOULD be burdened by kids they didn't choose. But if you have a good relationship with your siblings and they left their kids orphaned I don't know a CLBC person who wouldn't feel like they COULD step it up. But I guess that is just how the families I know roll. We are the only ones of our siblings to have kids. All by choice. One set is still a guardian and has said it's an honor to be that.

CLBC?

childless by choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:life insurance, and pick one of the aunts or uncles. would you really want your kids to go to some random cousin? the person may not be ideal, but there's something to be said for immediate family. on the flip side, I'm not sure I would agree to take a non-immediate relative's kids just because the parents superficially dislike the kids' own aunts/uncles.

Why should immediate family member be burdened with the child that they didn't choose?

Dude. No one SHOULD be burdened by kids they didn't choose. But if you have a good relationship with your siblings and they left their kids orphaned I don't know a CLBC person who wouldn't feel like they COULD step it up. But I guess that is just how the families I know roll. We are the only ones of our siblings to have kids. All by choice. One set is still a guardian and has said it's an honor to be that.

CLBC?

childless by choice

That's not universal though. My sister wanted me to be the legal guardian to her DD but I told her no, it wouldn't be in my niece's best interests. Nor mine as I have my own reasons why I'm CFBC. It's not my fault that my sister chose to have a kid in spite knowing that she wouldn't get any family support (loser boyfriend who grew up in foster care, deceased parents). I would resent being placed in the caretaker role. Not my circus, not my monkeys.