selecting a legal guardian for kids, grandparents not the best choice

[Anonymous]

DH and I want to start planning some trips together and know we should select a legal guardian for our kids in the event something happens to us. My parents already declared years ago that we should choose them-- in fact, they assume we would-- but we whole-heartedly disagree. They have good hearts and good intentions but are over 70 and do not exhibit the best behavior and judgment. They are extremely religious, somewhat bigoted and we feel they would influence our kids in a way that would turn them into bizarre adults with strange hang-ups. For example, my mother has a lot of very "old lady" behaviors that seem to rub off on our kids when she visits, such as unusual dietary complaints-- that's too sweet! Too spicy! Too salty! And our kids repeat them until we program that out of them after she leaves.

DH's parents are older and not in good health, so they're out of the question. Both DH and I have siblings but one, his sister, lives alone and while a kind, responsible person, does not have the means and most likely will never have the means to look after kids. And my siblings are also single but have little to no interest in kids.

So, we are starting to look at our cousins and friends. DH has a married cousin he is close to who has the means and energy for kids but just never had any. We think he and his wife would be great. We also have been friends with a couple that is a little older, also without kids of their own but very energetic and down to earth and have become like family. We are thinking of asking both of these couples.

Has anyone else dealt with this situation, when family members just aren't the best people to list? Was there a bad fallout in terms of breaking it to the devoted grandparents who you would just never want to leave your kids with for years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I want to start planning some trips together and know we should select a legal guardian for our kids in the event something happens to us. My parents already declared years ago that we should choose them-- in fact, they assume we would-- but we whole-heartedly disagree. They have good hearts and good intentions but are over 70 and do not exhibit the best behavior and judgment. They are extremely religious, somewhat bigoted and we feel they would influence our kids in a way that would turn them into bizarre adults with strange hang-ups. For example, my mother has a lot of very "old lady" behaviors that seem to rub off on our kids when she visits, such as unusual dietary complaints-- that's too sweet! Too spicy! Too salty! And our kids repeat them until we program that out of them after she leaves.

DH's parents are older and not in good health, so they're out of the question. Both DH and I have siblings but one, his sister, lives alone and while a kind, responsible person, does not have the means and most likely will never have the means to look after kids. And my siblings are also single but have little to no interest in kids.

So, we are starting to look at our cousins and friends. DH has a married cousin he is close to who has the means and energy for kids but just never had any. We think he and his wife would be great. We also have been friends with a couple that is a little older, also without kids of their own but very energetic and down to earth and have become like family. We are thinking of asking both of these couples.

Has anyone else dealt with this situation, when family members just aren't the best people to list? Was there a bad fallout in terms of breaking it to the devoted grandparents who you would just never want to leave your kids with for years?

You should not impose any financial burden on any guardian. You have to have lots of life insurance for the purpose of covering your kids’ needs through at least college.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

[Anonymous]

Both PPs are correct.

[Anonymous]

My parents are fabulous, we did not choose them. Nor did we say anything to them. We chose my sister (who had no kids at the time) and a close friend. Although both were married, we indicated that only the person we named would have custody and not their spouse.

You seem to think that this needs to be announced to your parents. It doesn't. Just do the paperwork and keep it drama-free.

[Anonymous]

You need assets and life insurance to go to your kids on a trust for their care. Don't put the financial burden on anyone else

[Anonymous]

You have to provide the money for the sibling to have the means to raise the kids.

[Anonymous]

Why are you just thinking about this? And what does "planning some trips" have to do with it? Anything can happen at any time.

Take care of your business now: life insurance and guardianship. No need to tell parents.

Do it by the end of next week.

[Anonymous]

get good life insurance and also don't forget if you're dead, they'll qualify for social security until they turn 18. If you're doing it right, there won't be any financial burden to anyone, so pick whoever you want.

[Anonymous]

If both of you are gone, all your assets should pass to your children, unless you have made other arrangements. The advice we got was to have a trustee (who is NOT the same person as the guardian for your children) be in charge of managing the financial aspects. If you have sufficient assets (life insurance, house, cars, savings accounts, investments, etc) then there should be enough to provide for your children without putting an undue financial burden on whoever you choose as guardian.
And ask that person if they agree to play that role, but you don't need to bring it up to anyone else. Chances are, it will only be words on a piece of paper and never need to be publicly known (but that is not an excuse to avoid doing it)

[Anonymous]

We did choose family and still didn’t break it grandparents that they weren’t chosen. Each year that both DH and I don’t die means that the grandparents are getting older and thus less likely to be insulted to not be chosen.

Don’t borrow trouble! Definitely check with whoever you choose as guardian, family or no, but that the only person who needs to know.

[Anonymous]

life insurance, and pick one of the aunts or uncles. would you really want your kids to go to some random cousin? the person may not be ideal, but there's something to be said for immediate family. on the flip side, I'm not sure I would agree to take a non-immediate relative's kids just because the parents superficially dislike the kids' own aunts/uncles.

[Anonymous]

Pick someone your kids know really, really well. Better to be an imperfect person they love than a great cousin they see every couple years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

This. We never had conversations we people we felt would not be able to care for our children. There is no reason to. I really hope someday one of my siblings will change and we would feel comfortable with them being the legal guardian. We haven’t told them they are not. Maybe someday they can be. Hopefully we never need to anyway.

Our parents all have health problems and we don’t have any blood relatives that would currently be good choices. It’s tough to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pick someone your kids know really, really well. Better to be an imperfect person they love than a great cousin they see every couple years.

Most people pick guardians when their kids are newborns. How would a newborn or even a toddler know someone “really well?”