selecting a legal guardian for kids, grandparents not the best choice

[Anonymous]

We chose my sister, who is childless and relatively poor. We have life insurance and our other assets are in a trust / willed to a trust that my FIL is named to manage (although we'll adjust as he ages) for the child's benefit.

I think close friends that you see often are a great choice if they have the capacity for more kids. A friend who is juggling their own two may not be able to take on more even with money. For example my SIL has three under three and I just did not see my older only child doing well in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick someone your kids know really, really well. Better to be an imperfect person they love than a great cousin they see every couple years.

Most people pick guardians when their kids are newborns. How would a newborn or even a toddler know someone “really well?”

Someone they will see and know as they grow up, not someone who will be a relative stranger (no matter how nice or how closely related). Your child is only an infant for a short while, so good chance you'll survive that long.

(Also, no, I don't believe most parents of infants get right on this.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree with that. I wouldn't want my kids, in the midst of the trauma of their parents death, to be transitioned to grandparents who think that they will have custody, and told that that's the plan, and then have to move again when the will is open.

Also, naming a guardian in your will is not a legally binding thing. Kids aren't property. You can't will them to someone. So, the chances that grandparents will win in a custody battle are real, and even if they don't a custody battle would be devastating. Getting parents on board with the plan is critical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree with that. I wouldn't want my kids, in the midst of the trauma of their parents death, to be transitioned to grandparents who think that they will have custody, and told that that's the plan, and then have to move again when the will is open.

Also, naming a guardian in your will is not a legally binding thing. Kids aren't property. You can't will them to someone. So, the chances that grandparents will win in a custody battle are real, and even if they don't a custody battle would be devastating. Getting parents on board with the plan is critical.

The event is so unlikely that it is not worth engaging the parents in a drama about it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pick someone your kids know really, really well. Better to be an imperfect person they love than a great cousin they see every couple years.

Most people pick guardians when their kids are newborns. How would a newborn or even a toddler know someone “really well?”

As an aside, every five years or so you need to update. We changed named guardians a couple times throughout my kids lives (now 17) due to aging grandparents, a sibling dealing with some addiction issues, and just the children’s needs. High schoolers do not want to move across the country to live with a cousin like they may have as a young child. The best guardian now may not remain the best choice.
make sure you revisit and update!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If both of you are gone, all your assets should pass to your children, unless you have made other arrangements. The advice we got was to have a trustee (who is NOT the same person as the guardian for your children) be in charge of managing the financial aspects. If you have sufficient assets (life insurance, house, cars, savings accounts, investments, etc) then there should be enough to provide for your children without putting an undue financial burden on whoever you choose as guardian.
And ask that person if they agree to play that role, but you don't need to bring it up to anyone else. Chances are, it will only be words on a piece of paper and never need to be publicly known (but that is not an excuse to avoid doing it)

This is what we did. My kids will turn 18 in a couple of weeks and we need to revise the documents (we need to update anyway). We’ll remove the guardian but likely keep someone in charge of the money until they turn 25 or so.

[Anonymous]

My local sister is the first choice for guardian. Our kids would still go to same middle and high school as our neighborhood if something happens to us because of where she lives.
Our second choice is our local DINK friends who are basically the kids’ aunt and uncle. They wouldn’t have been good when kids were babies but now that they are tweens they would be awesome.
Our money goes into a trust and would be managed by out to area BIL (he’s a financial planner) and we know he would do right by the trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree with that. I wouldn't want my kids, in the midst of the trauma of their parents death, to be transitioned to grandparents who think that they will have custody, and told that that's the plan, and then have to move again when the will is open.

Also, naming a guardian in your will is not a legally binding thing. Kids aren't property. You can't will them to someone. So, the chances that grandparents will win in a custody battle are real, and even if they don't a custody battle would be devastating. Getting parents on board with the plan is critical.

The event is so unlikely that it is not worth engaging the parents in a drama about it now.

+1

[Anonymous]

We changed ours recently as all of the grandparents are getting older, all of the siblings are getting more stable/established, and the kids are getting older and have different needs. We also do recognize that they are not property, and the people who love and care for them will ultimately have to decide what is best in the actual scenario since we can’t know everything now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree. Do not set your kids up for a legal custody battle. If your parents think they are the ones, they are likely to fight it. Make the decision and tell your parents gently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree. Do not set your kids up for a legal custody battle. If your parents think they are the ones, they are likely to fight it. Make the decision and tell your parents gently.

I disagree with you. What’s a judge going to do? Give custody to elderly grandparents or give custody to presumably stable folks parents designated in their estate planning documents? Don’t create drama. The chances are grandparents will die before parents anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree. Do not set your kids up for a legal custody battle. If your parents think they are the ones, they are likely to fight it. Make the decision and tell your parents gently.

Someone has been watching “Big Little Lies” and thinking that courtroom nonsense was real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree with that. I wouldn't want my kids, in the midst of the trauma of their parents death, to be transitioned to grandparents who think that they will have custody, and told that that's the plan, and then have to move again when the will is open.

Also, naming a guardian in your will is not a legally binding thing. Kids aren't property. You can't will them to someone. So, the chances that grandparents will win in a custody battle are real, and even if they don't a custody battle would be devastating. Getting parents on board with the plan is critical.

Excellent point. It's crazy how many people think you can make a legally binding custody agreement. The point of naming guardians is to get everyone on board. Personally I think it's better to name a first-degree relative (grandparent or aunt/uncle). No matter how great you think your friendships are, it's not the same as actual blood relatives. Sure, your baby or toddler may be cute and adorable, but is your best college bud really going to want to deal with say a teen with behavioral issues? Plus your friend may not feel that they can say no, whereas family should be able to be more honest. I realize that there may be some friendships that are so long and enduring as to be like family, but I don't think that's necessarily the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree. Do not set your kids up for a legal custody battle. If your parents think they are the ones, they are likely to fight it. Make the decision and tell your parents gently.

I disagree with you. What’s a judge going to do? Give custody to elderly grandparents or give custody to presumably stable folks parents designated in their estate planning documents? Don’t create drama. The chances are grandparents will die before parents anyway.

That's incredibly naive. Of course a judge could award custody to grandparents - and the fight itself would be very devastating. Even if there's no actual legal proceedings, having the kids have to move again after the will is opened would be awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Don’t tell your parents. The only people who need information are the guardians.

I disagree with that. I wouldn't want my kids, in the midst of the trauma of their parents death, to be transitioned to grandparents who think that they will have custody, and told that that's the plan, and then have to move again when the will is open.

Also, naming a guardian in your will is not a legally binding thing. Kids aren't property. You can't will them to someone. So, the chances that grandparents will win in a custody battle are real, and even if they don't a custody battle would be devastating. Getting parents on board with the plan is critical.

The event is so unlikely that it is not worth engaging the parents in a drama about it now.

The WHOLE POINT of doing all this stuff is to make arrangements for unlikely events. So you may as well do it the right way.