Male BFF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just where do you think you're going to find this male BFF? If he has a girlfriend or is married this will not work.

This. I’m in the verge of breaking up with someone because of this “platonic female friend” he insists on going out with one on one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hung up on having a male BFF instead of just a BFF of any gender?

I am wary of any woman who says she only gets along well with men, because you are dismissing half of the population out of hand. All of the things you mentioned doing with a "Male BFF" could be done with a woman.

It is possible, but I don't think you are a good candidate.

Usually women like this are damaged in some way or are seeking attention. It's just rational that you can't get along with any women.

So OP should dismiss 1/2 the population because you distrust women who have male friends?

No, that isn't what I said. She said she was looking for a male BFF, and always got along better with men. I said I am wary of women who say that only get along with men. Women who have both male and female friends is normal. And men can have both male and female friends as well. I am wary of somebody specifically looking for a friend who is of a certain gender (and that gender being the gender they'd like to f*ck).

My DH has male and female friends. If he ever told me he was going out to seek a female BFF ... I'd think long and hard about that. I'm supposed to be his female BFF, yes? If he only had female friends ... no. That's honestly not normal.

[Anonymous]

She's looking for a replacement, which is fine. But say it is what it is, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it’s possible, but...

I have a friend like that. We’ve met 20 years ago, have been friends for several years, then dated for about a year, then decided that we’d be better off staying friends, then each of us got married, had kids, and so on. We talk regularly, meet for coffee once a week, have dinner together a few times a year. He is one of the closest and dearest people to me.

But, and here comes the “but” part, he is married, which means that his family comes first, and there are no hikes or movies anymore,he simply doesn’t have the bandwidth for it. I don’t particularly click with his spouse, he doesn’t click with mine, so there is no double dates or joint vacations. Bottom line, you can have a best male friend without any sexual undertones to the relationship, but be realistic in terms of the demands you put on him.

Yes, so this is exactly what I want! It is good to know this exists. I totally understand family obligations. I have my own as well and would never neglect my kid. So there is no jealousy on his wife's part? I had a fair amount of guy friends before marriage, but the friendships faded because I felt like "the rules" say it's supposed to be over once you're married. In some instances men married wives who were uncomfortable with it, and even though the man could get away with being my friend, I backed off because I do not feel comfortable being a source of contention. It's important to me to respect anyone's wife.

It's hard enough to make new friends when you're an adult with a family and work. It's extra hard to make an opposite sex BFF because how do you spend enough time together to really get to a deep level of friendship without short changing your spouse/family? It sounds like you were overly cautious before based on a notion of "rules" and deferring to other people's vague "uncomfortable" feelings, so sure, go ahead and reconnect with some of those male friends you had. But a BFF is different than a friend. I would have reacted totally differently to your first post if you were just looking for male friends or a mixed group of friends (you can get a male perspective on things from guys without it being a one on one BFF outing). I have lots of male friends. I do not have a male BFF. The only time I had a male BFF it was a failure to fully disentangle from a long time ex-bf in a kind of codependent relationship and yes, it interfered with my moving on and have healthy relationships with guys I was dating. My DH has lots of female friends. But I don't think he'd say any one is his BFF. I think a BFF is different than just friends. Even good friends. Maybe that's where I misunderstood you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP wants validation and male attention without having to provide sex.

But what's in it for the guy?

Blue balls

[Anonymous]

Only if he is gay.

Seriously.
I’ve had a gay guy friend for over a decade & there is no sexual tension whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

I had a male BFF from high school through my 20s and then he confessed his love for me and that was that (I was engaged to my DH). If you are seeking this out you are either hoping for someone to pay you that kind of attention or to find someone to pay that kind of attention to.
Go watch when Harry met Sally:

Harry Burns:
You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright:
Why not?
Harry Burns:
What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright:
That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns:
No you don't.
Sally Albright:
Yes I do.
Harry Burns:
You only think you do.
Sally Albright:
You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns:
No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright:
They do not.
Harry Burns:
Do too.
Sally Albright:
They do not.
Harry Burns:
Do too.
Sally Albright:
How do you know?
Harry Burns:
Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright:
So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns:
No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright:
What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns:
Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only if he is gay.

Seriously.
I’ve had a gay guy friend for over a decade & there is no sexual tension whatsoever.

Yes just like your marriage.

[Anonymous]

OP, you want what your DH can't give you. Which I promise is more than just a buddy. I would focus on widening your social circle more organically, vs trying to find a new male BFF. I hope that you can leave your marriage in the somewhat near future. Living with a man who gets pissy around you is no way to life your life, and I guarantee your kid can sense there are issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Only if he is gay.

Seriously.
I’ve had a gay guy friend for over a decade & there is no sexual tension whatsoever.

Yes just like your marriage.

[Anonymous]

My BFF is a gay male. I also have two straight male friends. I am single. One makes sexual innuendos and it's starting to bother me. So, it can be done, but it's not always easy.