Etiquette Question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sibling passed away. Funeral planned with families coming from many states, planes, trains, automobiles. Relative in state where funeral is being held sent out invitations to a shower for her child to be held on day after funeral. Said she figured everyone would be there for funeral, so it was a good time. Your thoughts please.

Aside from the fact that throwing yourself a shower is, well, not done, it is rude of her to do this.

[Anonymous]

Poor taste and tone deaf. IF shower had been long planned-not the same but if created to piggy back on this-its not something I’d do.

[Anonymous]

It's fine. Life goes on, people can have events whenever they want. You have no control over that.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Definitely piggybacked and spouse and children of deceased were not informed until they received invite in mail. As I said before, I am going to go. I have not discussed my opinion with anyone involved. I do not make waves. Just wondering what your opinions would be. Thank you for all replies.

[Anonymous]

I’m Jewish. People observe up to 7 days of shiva after the funeral. 7 is traditional but some people do less. My dad recently passed away and we have a small extended family but if someone had done this I would have considered it incredibly tacky. Op, if you are one of the primary mourners and don’t have an issue, you are a better person than I am. Btw, I am very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

15:30. Yes, I am one of the primary mourners. Thank you for you kind thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the age of the deceased.

Exactly. If this was a sudden death of a 35 year old mother/father of small children, there's no way a shower would be appropriate.
But if it's the funeral for Aunt Bessie who lived a long life and died at 97, then go for it.

DP. It's funny because I think the age or relationship doesn't matter. One death isn't less worse than the other. I do think that OP needs to mind her own beeswax about the shower though and attend only if she feels up to it.

You don’t think one death is less worse than another. Would it be equally sad for you if your 4 year old child died as if your 100 year old great grandmother died?!

DP responding. I'm the poster from the first page who has buried her husband and two children. IMO the deaths of either of my daughters or my husband is no more or less worse than the death of someone else's great-grandmother. I would never, ever judge someone else because of the way they mourned AND I would certainly never put life on a scale of more value versus less value. That's disgusting and repulsive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the age of the deceased.

Exactly. If this was a sudden death of a 35 year old mother/father of small children, there's no way a shower would be appropriate.
But if it's the funeral for Aunt Bessie who lived a long life and died at 97, then go for it.

DP. It's funny because I think the age or relationship doesn't matter. One death isn't less worse than the other. I do think that OP needs to mind her own beeswax about the shower though and attend only if she feels up to it.

You don’t think one death is less worse than another. Would it be equally sad for you if your 4 year old child died as if your 100 year old great grandmother died?!

DP responding. I'm the poster from the first page who has buried her husband and two children. IMO the deaths of either of my daughters or my husband is no more or less worse than the death of someone else's great-grandmother. I would never, ever judge someone else because of the way they mourned AND I would certainly never put life on a scale of more value versus less value. That's disgusting and repulsive.

dp. I respect your inclination not to compare nor judge, but saying some deaths are worse than others is not “disgusting and repulsive.” We are all mortal and die sometime. There is a life cycle. When someone’s ‘cycle’ ends early, I think most people find that especially heart-wrenching.

[Anonymous]

DP is correct. Why are some people so insensitive to other’s losses? Just be kind. Everyone’s life is special in some way. Respect is the key word.
DP, sorry for you losses of your husband and daughters. Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

Shower when everyone Is town for a funeral is insensitive and classless. Many other days of year to do this event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on the age of the deceased.

Exactly. If this was a sudden death of a 35 year old mother/father of small children, there's no way a shower would be appropriate.
But if it's the funeral for Aunt Bessie who lived a long life and died at 97, then go for it.

DP. It's funny because I think the age or relationship doesn't matter. One death isn't less worse than the other. I do think that OP needs to mind her own beeswax about the shower though and attend only if she feels up to it.

Totally disagree. When my grandfather passed at 92, we were sad. But he lived a long and happy life, and it reached its natural conclusion. It would be SO MUCH WORSE if a child or young sibling passed at, say 7 or 34 or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP is correct. Why are some people so insensitive to other’s losses? Just be kind. Everyone’s life is special in some way. Respect is the key word.
DP, sorry for you losses of your husband and daughters. Peace to you.

Thank you. I'm still standing and I'm happy to be able to say that. I subsequently remarried and we are blessed to have five beautiful children. It doesn't make me miss my oldest daughters or my first husband any less but there is joy to life and living.

You hit the nail on the head about respect. All life is special and should be valued and respected. While the PP thinks that a short life is more heart-wrenching, I've known some people in my different therapy groups make the equally valid counter argument that their loss of a spouse, to whom they were married for 40-50 years, was more heart-wrenching because of the long-time association. Who am I (or anyone else for that matter) to judge?

Peace to you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shower when everyone Is town for a funeral is insensitive and classless. Many other days of year to do this event.

Yup. Unless the family of deceased encouraged it, no.

[Anonymous]

My sibling died young last year. This is so gross and tacky I can’t believe anyone really did this. Someone needs to set the shower host straight.

[Anonymous]

Did the host quickly send out invitations after funeral was scheduled? IMHO, tacky.