If your family/friends/coworkers bad mouth your spouse

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he cares more about what other people think than you. This is not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

There is something missing from this scenario. Family? As in all or just one person? Friend? How many? Coworkers? Unless friends shouldn’t be discussing spouses at all. Regardless, if multiple people are saying my spouse is an asshole, I’d reevaluate my relationship.

Quiet doesn’t equate to a bad attitude. There clearly has been some other behavior at home or with your spouse that has resulted in these views...own up to it.

[Anonymous]

Lots of questions.

1) how many people and who? From what walks of life?
2) how did you find out?
3) are you an asshole (be honest)?
4) can he do better (whatever that means to you)?
5) do you love him?
6) how do coworkers even know you well enough to call you an asshole?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lots of questions.

1) how many people and who? From what walks of life?
2) how did you find out?
3) are you an asshole (be honest)?
4) can he do better (whatever that means to you)?
5) do you love him?
6) how do coworkers even know you well enough to call you an asshole?

1) I honestly don’t know how many people because he doesn’t name names. He’ll say things like my family, my friends, my coworkers when he starts the argument.
2) From him.
3) No.
4) He could do a better job of defending me.
5) Yes I do.
6) They don’t. I’ve met them one time at the company holiday party.

[Anonymous]

I think he is using "other people" to tell you how he views you and/or to make a comment/start an argument. He is basically saying that these people think this way about you so you should feel bad and do better. Its passive-aggressive, manipulative, and abusive.

[Anonymous]

He's pulling Trump mind tricks over you to make you feel bad. The, "many people are telling me you are terrible" is his way to create this fake popular opinion that you are an awful wife.

Is he pulling this out when you two mainly argue, or have a disagreement? If so, that might be what he is doing.

[Anonymous]

If you are from a different culture where giving straight answers is the norm, and you are not used to smiley US way of communication, you might come off as rude.
Example, someone: "I love the Simpsons."
You, "I don't like it, it is a cartoon."
Them, "Omg, she is so rude!"
It is a cultural thing sometimes.
Friend: Do" you want to go to the movies?"
You," No, I don't like action and I am tired at night."
What and smiley American would say... "I'd love to! Let me know when."
Then fib something and cancel with some lame excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DH needs to stop relaying these comments to you.

Many comments are innocuous. My mom one said, "DH is so absent-minded! That would drive me crazy!" and truth is, it does sometimes. I would never try to poison there otherwise good relationship by going and telling him about it....what's the point?

Relaying these comments is completely unacceptable and borderline abusive. And they may not be true, actually. I had an abusive partner who used to tell me that other people complained about me and didn't like me and it turned out that none of it was true. It was just another way to put me down and try to control me and he determined it was more powerful to claim that other people (in addition to him) felt that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he is using "other people" to tell you how he views you and/or to make a comment/start an argument. He is basically saying that these people think this way about you so you should feel bad and do better. Its passive-aggressive, manipulative, and abusive.

+100

[Anonymous]

Why would your DH even tell his coworkers are saying this stuff? Two reasons-he is an asshole and wants to hurt you and/or 2) he agrees with them and you are embarrassing him and he wants you to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he is using "other people" to tell you how he views you and/or to make a comment/start an argument. He is basically saying that these people think this way about you so you should feel bad and do better. Its passive-aggressive, manipulative, and abusive.

+1. After reading your responses op, I think it’s this. I cannot imagine telling my spouse that x or y says he’s an asshole and that I could do better. It’s all on your DH how he presents you, what he says about you to these people, and for transmitting real or invented things about you. He is isolating you from his circle, which is worrying.

[Anonymous]

we have a friend whose wife if the bitch of the group

everyone knows it, and he could do better, but he stays with her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m a woman and I’m the spouse that’s bad mouthed. My husband doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with people making such comments about me. He said I’m quiet so people look at that like I had an attitude or I come off like a bitch to them. He’s the complete opposite so that’s why people don’t understand why he’s with me. He even said it’s not something worth defending as it will ruin his relationship with others. I’m pissed off that he lets people say these things about me and he doesn’t defend me.

This doesn't line up with what you said in your OP. What makes them call you an asshole? Have you actively done anything to antagonize them? Do you control him or his schedule unnecessarily (spouses have a say but not vetoes, IMHO)? There seems to be something more than you are just quiet and therefore come off like a b-tch or with an attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of questions.

1) how many people and who? From what walks of life?
2) how did you find out?
3) are you an asshole (be honest)?
4) can he do better (whatever that means to you)?
5) do you love him?
6) how do coworkers even know you well enough to call you an asshole?

1) I honestly don’t know how many people because he doesn’t name names. He’ll say things like my family, my friends, my coworkers when he starts the argument.
2) From him.
3) No.
4) He could do a better job of defending me.
5) Yes I do.
6) They don’t. I’ve met them one time at the company holiday party.

Honestly, I wouldn't assume that people are actually saying this stuff. I think he's using them as a way to tell you that he doesn't like how you behave. Next time, ask him, point-blank, if he agrees with these people. Does he think you act like a bitch? Does he think you have a bad attitude? Make him own it. If he insists it's "other people," then I'd tell him that you'd prefer that he stand up for you and tell these people that he doesn't think you are awful, and if he can't bring himself to do that, then you'd rather just not hear about the comments anymore. When he brings it up, just refuse to engage. Frankly, I would break up my marriage over it, because I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't like or respect me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he is using "other people" to tell you how he views you and/or to make a comment/start an argument. He is basically saying that these people think this way about you so you should feel bad and do better. Its passive-aggressive, manipulative, and abusive.

+100

This is so true. There are no other people. He’s doing this to hurt you.