Middle School Sleepover -- How much sleep happens?

[Anonymous]

I enforce dark and quiet. I know I can't make the kids sleep. But if it's dark and quiet, at least the kids who want to fall asleep can get some rest. It's not that hard.

OP, you presume that your daughter would be one of those kids who want to fall asleep, but she might not be. Also, I host a ton of sleepovers and anyone who wants to sleep finds a way even if it's not dark and quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I enforce dark and quiet. I know I can't make the kids sleep. But if it's dark and quiet, at least the kids who want to fall asleep can get some rest. It's not that hard.

OP, you presume that your daughter would be one of those kids who want to fall asleep, but she might not be. Also, I host a ton of sleepovers and anyone who wants to sleep finds a way even if it's not dark and quiet.

A) It's not a presumption, I've talked to her about this.

B) Some people may be able to sleep anywhere, but my DD can't.

Also to others who say just plan it so she can rest the next day, yes sometimes that happens, but it's a huge sacrifice of a day, and she still sometimes gets sick anyhow. A nap is not the same as a night's sleep (for her anyhow). My takeaway is I need to accept that I'll just be saying no more often and that I need to host more/find kindred spirit parents.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s unreasonable to say lights out to middle schoolers at midnight at a sleepover. It’s fine to tell them to quiet down if they are keeping you up but overly controlling to try and enforce a bedtime. Your house, your rules but don’t expect to have a lot of sleepovers. Personally I can’t handle them staying up all night so we don’t host many since I’m a light sleeper. They have been getting 4 hours or less of sleep since they were 8. My oldest needs sleep and is a mess after and hasn’t gone to a sleepover in many years. It’s not enjoyable and he prefers to stay late then come home. My younger child stays up all night then crashes the next day when she’s home. They often do not sleep at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound annoying.

Go away troll. I'm not OP but OP is completely reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Those people who are ok with their middle schoolers getting 0 hours of sleep and pretend as if they have no control over their kids at all, are these the same parents that then medicate their hyperactive/inattentive/anxious children with four types of pharmaceuticals during the day? Or are these the same parents who will let kids get drunk and high in the basement and then shrug, because you just can't control those danged kids? The tone on this thread is ludicrous. If you have kids sleeping over at your house it's totally reasonable to turn off the lights at midnight and request quiet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those people who are ok with their middle schoolers getting 0 hours of sleep and pretend as if they have no control over their kids at all, are these the same parents that then medicate their hyperactive/inattentive/anxious children with four types of pharmaceuticals during the day? Or are these the same parents who will let kids get drunk and high in the basement and then shrug, because you just can't control those danged kids? The tone on this thread is ludicrous. If you have kids sleeping over at your house it's totally reasonable to turn off the lights at midnight and request quiet.

OP here. Ha, ha. Thanks. There have been at least a few people here who think it's reasonable that kids sleep at sleepovers. It still seems to be a minority opinion. You are stating it stronger than I would, but I agree in principle that this is largely about views of parental authority and responsibility. Like I said earlier, to me it's kind of like insisting on seatbelts and falls into a basic safety kind of category, but it's clear that many others don't see it that way at all. Or actually maybe they don't make kids wear seatbelts in their cars either ...

[Anonymous]

I’m 17:12 and I think the seatbelt analogy is extreme. Did any parents tell you it was time for sleep at your sleepovers? I loved them as a child because we stayed up talking all night. As I said, I don’t like kids staying up all night at my house so we don’t host sleepovers. This doesn’t seem difficult, OP. Either don’t have kids sleep over or only have friends stay who you know like to sleep.

To 21:13, I don’t care if my one DD occasionally stays up an entire night because she has fun and bounces back quickly within a day. My other child can’t handle this and doesn’t go to sleepovers. Most parents know what their children can handle. Stop being so judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those people who are ok with their middle schoolers getting 0 hours of sleep and pretend as if they have no control over their kids at all, are these the same parents that then medicate their hyperactive/inattentive/anxious children with four types of pharmaceuticals during the day? Or are these the same parents who will let kids get drunk and high in the basement and then shrug, because you just can't control those danged kids? The tone on this thread is ludicrous. If you have kids sleeping over at your house it's totally reasonable to turn off the lights at midnight and request quiet.

That's right PP. Sleepovers are the gateway drug, not pot.

[Anonymous]

OP here and it's possible I place a higher value on sleep than a lot of people. Possibly because it's been obvious since she was a baby how much DD needs sleep.

But sleep is food for your brain. And healthy sleep habits are healthy life habits. So I don't think it's OK for middle school kids to not get any sleep at all, not even for a night. To me that's like eating nothing but junk food for an entire day. And it is dangerous. Loss of sleep impairs judgment, slows reaction time, weakens immune system. So just like there is a risk to not wearing a seatbelt (albeit small) there is also a risk to not getting proper rest.

It does also set a precedent. Some of these kids will be regularly pulling all nighters in HS or college as well. Some of your probably think that's fine, but I don't want to encourage that.

I'm not totally insane, I get the FUN part of a sleepover means staying up later than usual. But DD is usually in bed by 9:30, so staying up until midnight is pretty late for her. And when I was a kid, I remember us staying up late at a sleepover but then actually sleeping.

And to circle back to my original question, what caught me off guard is that just this year this odd transition happened from the scenario where she got 6 hours at a sleepover to the one where she gets maybe 2. And that's a big difference.

[Anonymous]

To the OP, you keep posting about how much your daughter needs sleep and how much you think sleep is important. No one is disagreeing with you but many of us don’t share your concerns with the occasional all nighter.

Why don’t you try what my oldest child does - have your daughter go to sleep overs and come home late to sleep in her own bed. Or have friends come to your house to hang out and send everyone home by 11.

[Anonymous]

For our house it depends. It is just one friend spending the night that sleeps over often? Then I turn off internet and ask them to be in her room quietly or watch a movie starting around 11-12. For her birthday party with 6 girls, I didn't enforce a bedtime - but I went down at 1am and asked them to keep the noise level down.

[Anonymous]

Geez. Allow your kid to make a few memories, OP. So she doesn't get a solid 8 hours. It is not the end of the world. Unclench, mama. Your child is five years away from going to college. She will be staying up all night there, and you won't be able to do a thing about it. Let her learn to navigate her own internal clock, and learn how to manage it.

[Anonymous]

My DS is just like your child OP. He's a disaster the next day and gets sick likely that week. He's always needed lots of sleep. He's been to a number of sleepovers where the parents never take away electronics all night. Insane to me. And he's only 11.

I of course don't tell the hosts any rules, but will sometimes pick him up early -- although I don't see that going over as well in the next year or two. I guess it's a phase we'll all live through but I would love if all parents did lights out and took away electronics at some point in the night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ugh. This is what I was afraid of. I probably wouldn't care as much if my kid could hang with it, but she really can't. She's never been able to cope on no sleep, from infancy on. I don't want to not allow sleepovers, but the no sleep thing is simply so much worse for her than it appears to be for her friends, I really don't know how to handle it.

It seems like a courtesy to me that parents could at least make sure the kids get SOME sleep, but it seems I'm an outlier here.

Give her earbuds and let her listen to white noise. Tell her to go to sleep when she is tired. This is what happens with my DD and her friends. There is always one or two at the larger sleepovers that need to go to sleep earlier or just want to.

When it's one on one, I usually let them self-regulate. To a point. If it's 1-2 a.m., things get shut down. But, DD is pretty on par with the ones she has over/goes to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my kid is like yours and I’d be annoyed, too. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a parent to come tell the kids to STFU around midnight or so.

+1. I can’t believe all these people saying that they are teenagers so there are no rules. My 13 year old just had a sleepover party. I went down at 10:30 to tell them to start settling down,, then down again at 11:30 to tell them I was going to turn out the light. I had a ton of sleepovers as a teen and no one’s parents would let them stay up all night. That’s insane! Of course, it was before smart phones and Netflix so there really wasn’t much to do at 2 a.m.!