Did You Have A “friendly” Divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like he isn't going to be there for the children when they need him, if he isn't there for you. What will that be like for them during his custody time?

And if he finds someone else with kids. Kids who aren't a good fit with yours, or the new step.

Fairly common, why I'd at least stay married until they are almost grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Tale as old as DCUM,
We married, had children, his income doubled and hours increased. I left work to stay with the kids full time. We’ve had problems that I don’t think we are going to find our way out of. Today was the first time we discussed what life could look like between us post-marriage (being co-parents/friends). The kids are 4&1.

We’ll go to counseling together, I don’t see either of us leaving this marriage immediately but I think it’s imminent. I work PT in my field. My hope is to get him to agree that me returning to work FT right now is the best thing.

What should I expect? What should I know? I’m sad we became so cliché, but living it hurts worse than admitting it. We are outside of DMV.

TL;DR: I've gotten everything I've wanted, but it isn't enough. I deserve more. Tearing up my family and psychologically scarring my kids for life is the only option that'll make me happy

LOL
-op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like he isn't going to be there for the children when they need him, if he isn't there for you. What will that be like for them during his custody time?

And if he finds someone else with kids. Kids who aren't a good fit with yours, or the new step.

Fairly common, why I'd at least stay married until they are almost grown.

And then he has more kids with the new wife and she's unhappy too. Fun times for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Tale as old as DCUM,
We married, had children, his income doubled and hours increased. I left work to stay with the kids full time. We’ve had problems that I don’t think we are going to find our way out of. Today was the first time we discussed what life could look like between us post-marriage (being co-parents/friends). The kids are 4&1.

We’ll go to counseling together, I don’t see either of us leaving this marriage immediately but I think it’s imminent. I work PT in my field. My hope is to get him to agree that me returning to work FT right now is the best thing.

What should I expect? What should I know? I’m sad we became so cliché, but living it hurts worse than admitting it. We are outside of DMV.

TL;DR: I've gotten everything I've wanted, but it isn't enough. I deserve more. Tearing up my family and psychologically scarring my kids for life is the only option that'll make me happy

LOL
-op

How are you going to be friends if he treats you badly and is not available? And how is he going to be an adequate father during his custody time if he wants to always give his full attention to work? It seems like if you divorce he will fade out of the kids' lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like he isn't going to be there for the children when they need him, if he isn't there for you. What will that be like for them during his custody time?

And if he finds someone else with kids. Kids who aren't a good fit with yours, or the new step.

Fairly common, why I'd at least stay married until they are almost grown.

And then he has more kids with the new wife and she's unhappy too. Fun times for the kids.

Exactly, why 2nd marriage fail at 70% and the other 25% are probably miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not understanding why you’re divorcing. Your kids are so young and you’re in the middle of it. Why make huge life decisions now?

You shouldn’t work bc then you’ll get more money. If you work FT you won’t get alimony.

+1 I have a 4 and 2 year old and life is hard right now. Married or not, your days are going to be stressful and exhausting. That’s just the kids ages. Did he do something unforgivable or just grown apart? If the latter, I would give counseling a try and wait a couple years.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand that he isn't treating you the way you would like and that is emotionally hard. But realistically, he isn't going to be a very good coparent either. You're going to have to be the primary parent either way, only without his income. It is hard, hard, hard to be single with small kids. Working, dropping and picking up one in school and one in daycare, and getting little help from your ex, is not going to be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be rushing to the door in a time of real upheaval in your life with a recent surgery, possible return to FT work and young children. If his obligations are cutting short post Op recovery and generally stressing you, while in counseling consider getting a lot more paid help. It is worth at least trying.

This. At least try it for a while. He may feel he has more to give, and you may want less from him, if the demands on both of you are lessened.

+100 PTSD after major surgery is a real thing, and left untreated it can wreck your life. They say for however many hours you were put under anesthesia, you're not supposed to make any major life decisions for that number of months. I was put under for 18 hours, so for 18 months I didn't quit my job, sell or house or get a divorce, even though I wanted to badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not understanding why you’re divorcing. Your kids are so young and you’re in the middle of it. Why make huge life decisions now?

You shouldn’t work bc then you’ll get more money. If you work FT you won’t get alimony.

The mentality of this post speaks for itself. If she CAN go FT and she's making significantly less than DH, she'll still collect some alimony. Point is, she wants to be as independent as possible and she should not be discouraged from making herself independent given her circumstances.