Did You Have A “friendly” Divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

This. Don't delude yourself. You can be polite and avoid litigation but there is nothing "friendly" about the end of their family. Even if you avoid fighting, being a child of divorce is a lifelong burden that will make their lives much more complicated, especially when you are old and they are doing separate eldercare. Divorced people love to tell themselves "children are resilient" as if that makes it not a burden at all.

It isn't the divorce itself that wrecks you financially, it's the cost of maintaining two homes for the long term, and separate assited living eventually. A SAHP is a luxury that your familiy may not be able to afford, in the big picture. Same goes for keeping your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

This. Don't delude yourself. You can be polite and avoid litigation but there is nothing "friendly" about the end of their family. Even if you avoid fighting, being a child of divorce is a lifelong burden that will make their lives much more complicated, especially when you are old and they are doing separate eldercare. Divorced people love to tell themselves "children are resilient" as if that makes it not a burden at all.

It isn't the divorce itself that wrecks you financially, it's the cost of maintaining two homes for the long term, and separate assited living eventually. A SAHP is a luxury that your familiy may not be able to afford, in the big picture. Same goes for keeping your house.

"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end."

- Brian Flanagan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

There’s no getting around that, and sparing them pain is my first priority. We’ve had the same handful of problems, always met with an i’m sorry, I’ll be better but then quickly followed up with can you give me a break? I have a lot going on. He wants a certain kind of freedom, I want a sense of stability. We can work on it again, with a therapist this time, and I can be present and engaging, but If he doesn’t want to meet in the middle about our needs, then we should separate before the kids are old enough to remember that we were ever together.

Have you tried adjusting your expectations? Outsourcing things that you struggle with?

[Anonymous]

I have been very understanding towards him, he has only worked hard for our family, he isn’t a villain. Recent example of irreconcilable differences: I had to have an emergency surgery, he had other priorities to juggle during that time, and I’m the one that had to adjust my expectations as to how much of a recovery I was allowed. He admits that was unfortunate and not in his better-judgment, but he stands by the decisions he made. That is one example of how we are facing the same issue over and over. There will always be a reason why we need his full attention, and there will always be another reason why he just can’t. So he should be with someone who is good with that. Because that is what he honestly wants, for me to be understanding all of the time. And I want something else in a partner. We’ve been to therapy once before a few years ago, took the love language quizzes. Recently I suggested (a few times) we do that again, I don’t get a response/acknowledgement. I don’t want to forward my results to him unsolicited, I want him to take the damn quiz and tell me about his results.

What am I supposed to do? If I start to prepare myself for life apart, maybe this can be done with minimal damage to the children while they’re so young.

[Anonymous]

You seem to be rushing to the door in a time of real upheaval in your life with a recent surgery, possible return to FT work and young children. If his obligations are cutting short post Op recovery and generally stressing you, while in counseling consider getting a lot more paid help. It is worth at least trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You seem to be rushing to the door in a time of real upheaval in your life with a recent surgery, possible return to FT work and young children. If his obligations are cutting short post Op recovery and generally stressing you, while in counseling consider getting a lot more paid help. It is worth at least trying.

This. At least try it for a while. He may feel he has more to give, and you may want less from him, if the demands on both of you are lessened.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like he isn't going to be there for the children when they need him, if he isn't there for you. What will that be like for them during his custody time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

This. Don't delude yourself. You can be polite and avoid litigation but there is nothing "friendly" about the end of their family. Even if you avoid fighting, being a child of divorce is a lifelong burden that will make their lives much more complicated, especially when you are old and they are doing separate eldercare. Divorced people love to tell themselves "children are resilient" as if that makes it not a burden at all.

It isn't the divorce itself that wrecks you financially, it's the cost of maintaining two homes for the long term, and separate assited living eventually. A SAHP is a luxury that your familiy may not be able to afford, in the big picture. Same goes for keeping your house.

"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end."

- Brian Flanagan

Not generally true of pregnancy, and many other things....high school, college, your favorite movie (you wouldn't want it to go on forever, would you?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not understanding why you’re divorcing. Your kids are so young and you’re in the middle of it. Why make huge life decisions now?

You shouldn’t work bc then you’ll get more money. If you work FT you won’t get alimony.

Court will require her to work. Not working to maximize alimony is not allowed

I'm not sure about this. She is working P-T now. Is she required to work F-T when she wasn't working F-T during the marriage? Is there not a benefit to her working P-T since it sounds like he works a ton?

[Anonymous]

To clarify, I am fully recovered. If I got him on board with my returning to work, childcare would be a huge help to me. He needs help outsourcing his work. He is too hands on, doesn’t take a step back to let things work themselves out. Yet with me, it’s Laissez-faire and he likes it that way. Of course he does, all he has to do is make promises. At work, there are people to hold him accountable for unkept promises.

In an ideal world, he’d let me keep the house and let me have primary residence for the kids. The mortgage is under my name only, and I could afford it by myself if working full time. I wouldn’t qualify for a loan for a couple of years, and I’m priced out of my area if I were to leave this house. He has made all of the mortgage payments though, he could afford better doesn’t easily spend.
Money is definitely important to him, other than the house, I don’t want any of his income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, I am fully recovered. If I got him on board with my returning to work, childcare would be a huge help to me. He needs help outsourcing his work. He is too hands on, doesn’t take a step back to let things work themselves out. Yet with me, it’s Laissez-faire and he likes it that way. Of course he does, all he has to do is make promises. At work, there are people to hold him accountable for unkept promises.

In an ideal world, he’d let me keep the house and let me have primary residence for the kids. The mortgage is under my name only, and I could afford it by myself if working full time. I wouldn’t qualify for a loan for a couple of years, and I’m priced out of my area if I were to leave this house. He has made all of the mortgage payments though, he could afford better doesn’t easily spend.
Money is definitely important to him, other than the house, I don’t want any of his income.

Assuming you can make enough to keep and maintain the house while also being the primary parent to young children is a classic divorcing mother mistake. Don't be so quick to give away your financial security. What if something happens (like a long illness of you or a kid) that precludes full-time work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To clarify, I am fully recovered. If I got him on board with my returning to work, childcare would be a huge help to me. He needs help outsourcing his work. He is too hands on, doesn’t take a step back to let things work themselves out. Yet with me, it’s Laissez-faire and he likes it that way. Of course he does, all he has to do is make promises. At work, there are people to hold him accountable for unkept promises.

In an ideal world, he’d let me keep the house and let me have primary residence for the kids. The mortgage is under my name only, and I could afford it by myself if working full time. I wouldn’t qualify for a loan for a couple of years, and I’m priced out of my area if I were to leave this house. He has made all of the mortgage payments though, he could afford better doesn’t easily spend.
Money is definitely important to him, other than the house, I don’t want any of his income.

Assuming you can make enough to keep and maintain the house while also being the primary parent to young children is a classic divorcing mother mistake. Don't be so quick to give away your financial security. What if something happens (like a long illness of you or a kid) that precludes full-time work?

+1. It should be a mathematical calculation based on his income and your income. Don't give that up without knowing what the future will hold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

I think in some ways amicable divorces are more confusing and potentially in some ways more devastating for kids because they are less aware of the necessity of the split. My parents HATED each other and so the divorce was painful but also VERY CLEARLY less painful than if they had stayed together. The need for the divorce was painfully clear even to me.

If people keep it friendly and together and drop the divorce on the kids than it comes out of nowhere and feels really much more unexpected and I think has a tendency to shake the kid's faith in their observational skills and grip of reality.

If I were in a situation like this, knowing that in the long run its WAY better for the kids when things are amicable, I would really try to sit down with them and talk about the reasons more than one might think is necessary. And that doesn't mean talking badly about spouses. But to make it clear not just that they aren't to blame but what was hidden from them, that what they did not see was intentional. Otherwise they are likely to think, 'why didn't my parents try' or 'what did I miss' or 'how could I have not known this was coming?'

I guess just understand that this blows up their life and its much easier to deal with something that blows up your life if you understand it than if you are just completely baffled and blindsided by it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

This. Don't delude yourself. You can be polite and avoid litigation but there is nothing "friendly" about the end of their family. Even if you avoid fighting, being a child of divorce is a lifelong burden that will make their lives much more complicated, especially when you are old and they are doing separate eldercare. Divorced people love to tell themselves "children are resilient" as if that makes it not a burden at all.

It isn't the divorce itself that wrecks you financially, it's the cost of maintaining two homes for the long term, and separate assited living eventually. A SAHP is a luxury that your familiy may not be able to afford, in the big picture. Same goes for keeping your house.

"Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end."

- Brian Flanagan

Not generally true of pregnancy, and many other things....high school, college, your favorite movie (you wouldn't want it to go on forever, would you?)

This is obviously in the context of divorce, you pedantic nitwit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Tale as old as DCUM,
We married, had children, his income doubled and hours increased. I left work to stay with the kids full time. We’ve had problems that I don’t think we are going to find our way out of. Today was the first time we discussed what life could look like between us post-marriage (being co-parents/friends). The kids are 4&1.

We’ll go to counseling together, I don’t see either of us leaving this marriage immediately but I think it’s imminent. I work PT in my field. My hope is to get him to agree that me returning to work FT right now is the best thing.

What should I expect? What should I know? I’m sad we became so cliché, but living it hurts worse than admitting it. We are outside of DMV.

TL;DR: I've gotten everything I've wanted, but it isn't enough. I deserve more. Tearing up my family and psychologically scarring my kids for life is the only option that'll make me happy