Did You Have A “friendly” Divorce?

[Anonymous]

Tale as old as DCUM,
We married, had children, his income doubled and hours increased. I left work to stay with the kids full time. We’ve had problems that I don’t think we are going to find our way out of. Today was the first time we discussed what life could look like between us post-marriage (being co-parents/friends). The kids are 4&1.

We’ll go to counseling together, I don’t see either of us leaving this marriage immediately but I think it’s imminent. I work PT in my field. My hope is to get him to agree that me returning to work FT right now is the best thing.

What should I expect? What should I know? I’m sad we became so cliché, but living it hurts worse than admitting it. We are outside of DMV.

[Anonymous]

Mine was friendly. It wasn't painful and we both divided up things really equally without fighting. My ex wife really wanted primary custody and I wanted joint in theory but she was able to demonstrate that a primary residency was best for our particular kids and I saw that, accepted it, and remained friendly. She is really cool about me coming by whenever during the week which helps. The painful part is realizing in real time the dissolution of our nuclear family. I remember the first time I bought my sad sorry Christmas tree in my condo after the divorce. It all hit me. That life was over. My point in this post is that breaking up can sometimes be the easy part.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to "get him to agree" that you should work FT? If divorce is on the table -- which it is -- he has zero business preventing you from ensuring your own economic stability. Unless he wants to sign a post-nup?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to "get him to agree" that you should work FT? If divorce is on the table -- which it is -- he has zero business preventing you from ensuring your own economic stability. Unless he wants to sign a post-nup?

He’d like to try counseling first before I return to work, as my working will require us to enroll the children in daycare. I’d like to be as financially prepared as possible.

[Anonymous]

Once we decided, it was such a HUGE relief. From first talk to move-out was less than a month.

We had one big talk where we hashed out who spent which time with the kids and money and the dog, and then we told the kids together.

Then we didn't talk for about three months. We just REALLY needed time apart. Then we became friends after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to "get him to agree" that you should work FT? If divorce is on the table -- which it is -- he has zero business preventing you from ensuring your own economic stability. Unless he wants to sign a post-nup?

He’d like to try counseling first before I return to work, as my working will require us to enroll the children in daycare. I’d like to be as financially prepared as possible.

I'd still push for a post-nup ....

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely go full-time if you have the opportunity. You can always cut back again later. And, try counseling and both working to improve the marriage. Get a nanny or day care. Kids will be fine. Better to have happy parents and be in day care than miserable parents with a SAHP with an insecure marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to "get him to agree" that you should work FT? If divorce is on the table -- which it is -- he has zero business preventing you from ensuring your own economic stability. Unless he wants to sign a post-nup?

He’d like to try counseling first before I return to work, as my working will require us to enroll the children in daycare. I’d like to be as financially prepared as possible.

Shouldn't you begin counseling immediately, and won't it take time for you to find a ft gig anyway?

You are in the throes of parenting young kids...which is very stressful. Don't make any sudden moves. You know what's even more stressful than your current situation? Flying solo; and being away from your babies on Christmas because it's not your day with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Not understanding why you’re divorcing. Your kids are so young and you’re in the middle of it. Why make huge life decisions now?

You shouldn’t work bc then you’ll get more money. If you work FT you won’t get alimony.

[Anonymous]

I would secretly talk to a lawyer especially since kids are involved. I had a friendly divorce, and it was in large part because I knew my rights.

[Anonymous]

How can a divorce be friendly if one person wants it more than the other?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Tale as old as DCUM,
We married, had children, his income doubled and hours increased. I left work to stay with the kids full time. We’ve had problems that I don’t think we are going to find our way out of. Today was the first time we discussed what life could look like between us post-marriage (being co-parents/friends). The kids are 4&1.

We’ll go to counseling together, I don’t see either of us leaving this marriage immediately but I think it’s imminent. I work PT in my field. My hope is to get him to agree that me returning to work FT right now is the best thing.

What should I expect? What should I know? I’m sad we became so cliché, but living it hurts worse than admitting it. We are outside of DMV.

You might as well look for full time job as the court will basically impute income based on your ability to earn.

It’s friendly until money gets involved. That’s where “friendly” divorces tend to turn nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not understanding why you’re divorcing. Your kids are so young and you’re in the middle of it. Why make huge life decisions now?

You shouldn’t work bc then you’ll get more money. If you work FT you won’t get alimony.

Court will require her to work. Not working to maximize alimony is not allowed

[Anonymous]

You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask my parents their divorce was friendly. Used a mediator no fighting....ask us kids...it was devastating

There’s no getting around that, and sparing them pain is my first priority. We’ve had the same handful of problems, always met with an i’m sorry, I’ll be better but then quickly followed up with can you give me a break? I have a lot going on. He wants a certain kind of freedom, I want a sense of stability. We can work on it again, with a therapist this time, and I can be present and engaging, but If he doesn’t want to meet in the middle about our needs, then we should separate before the kids are old enough to remember that we were ever together.