My husband doesn't talk to me unless he's home

[Anonymous]

I’m like this and I’m the wife. I don’t talk about random stuff, but I would totally be texting back and forth about houses because that’s time sensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the need to be in touch 24/7 is just a product of the times. I remember my dad calling home once a day before he left work. That was it. Even in the early 2000s he never got a cellphone and stuck with calling my mom from his landline at the office at the same time. She only got her own phone several years ago. And he, now in his late 60s, still dissent want a phone. And guess what? They’re still married after 40 years.

Younger couples don’t know anything else other than having an iPhone and with that, constant contact. Many of us can’t wrap our heads around the idea of going all day without contact. Imagine if all you had was a landline and there was no possibility of texting from Starbucks. You just had to wait until you and your spouse were both at home to talk on landlines.

**you and your spouse were both near a phone —or heavens!— one has to use a pay phone!?

[Anonymous]

My ex never called me during the day and would hang up on me mid sentence sometimes when I called him at work. Would rarely answer his cell phone when I tried to reach him between work and home. He also didn't talk to me much when he was home. Turns out he was having an affair with a subordinate in his office. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

Have you told him it's a problem?

I grew up with a parent who traveled, and there were rarely phone calls. He'd call home and wish us a happy birthday or whatever, but it had to be a special occasion or there had to be a problem. Phone calls were expensive. When I got married and was the spouse who traveled, my DH had to communicate to me that at the very least he needed a call when I arrived, and he wanted daily communication as well unless it just wasn't possible. The first time I traveled I came home to a very unhappy spouse, and that's when we laid out these ground rules. We'd simply had different expectations.

We do not communicate regularly throughout the day. Texts are mostly informative. We, too, converse at home. We live with each other, we do not need to chat throughout the day, even when one of us is traveling.

If he really needs to be in touch regarding houses, you need to communicate that. If it's just a preference, I don't see any problem with him waiting until he can address the issue reasonably, instead of trying to fit it in around work. On work trips, I am typically busy from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. If I needed to be available so my husband could put in an offer on a house, or immediately give a thumbs up or down on a potential property because the market is that hot, fine. But if it's just regular house hunting, that is not urgent.

[Anonymous]

Same, but I also am not a communicator. Works for us. No cheating.

[Anonymous]

Is he affection at home? If not, he got married for the status and the kids.

[Anonymous]

We only text or call if there is something to coordinate about the kids or if one of us is going out with a friend after work, not planned before. Or my DH is home and can't find his glasses, keycard, wallet, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm like this.

It's been an issue in my past relationships - but I've matured and I try to see it from both sides. I often fail miserably.

Maybe it's a generational thing - or simply "love languages" or maybe it's an emotional maturity thing...I'm not entirely sure. But I don't "do phone" or constant connection throughout my day. I find it irritating - no matter the relationship or stage within one. When I'm at work - I focus on work. I don't need nor desire constant checking in. I rarely text and I never proactively text - I respond when necessary to questions needing it but I don't like "hey, how's your day" texts or daily minutiae. And then if I'm pushed more to communicate simply because - and to only make someone feel better - then I feel resentful - that it's not about wanting to connect with me as much as it is controlling me. That's the immature part of me - but I don't want forced communication - why would you?

If I'm on travel, I savor the alone time outside of working. It's generally only for a few days and I like the solitude of not having to speak to anyone or answer to kids/spouse and just be in my own head.

All that to say - you have to be able to express that to your partner so they don't take it as a personal affront or think that it's about the state of the relationship. Some people are wired differently. I don't equate phone time to affection to caring or respect. I simply don't tie these things together.

So just talk to DH - but also check yourself. Why do you feel the need to talk to him every day while he's working? If you want him to give a little - perhaps you should too.

[Anonymous]

I think speaking during the day at work is tough cause schedules can be really hectic. My DH and I rarely if ever speak or text until the end of the day to make plans for the evening. That said, if it’s something important we’ll call each other and make time for each other. I’ve had colleagues with SOs who would constantly call or message them at work and they weren’t happy about it because they didn’t have time to speak, so they would just stop answering and ignore. Do you think your DH thinks you try to contact him more than what is appropriate?

When he travels, I definitely think that’s weird. He should answer.

Definitely talk to him when he’s back, have a frank conversation about what is and isn’t appropriate and preferred communication when you are apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not call or text my DH about stuff at work. I do not need to keep tabs on him and I am busy myself.

The only time I call or text is when there is a genuine emergency and he knows it. So, f he gets my text or call, even if he is in a meeting, he will excuse himself, walk out of the room and take my call. Knowing this, I will not be making any unnecessary calls to him.

We location share on our phones so it is easy to track each other if that is needed. We do talk on his commute to and from work. We share a calendar, and a to-do list that can be updated as needed.

Same, for the most part. OP’s husband should respond to emergencies, but I have a feeling her idea of “emergency” is quite broad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the need to be in touch 24/7 is just a product of the times. I remember my dad calling home once a day before he left work. That was it. Even in the early 2000s he never got a cellphone and stuck with calling my mom from his landline at the office at the same time. She only got her own phone several years ago. And he, now in his late 60s, still dissent want a phone. And guess what? They’re still married after 40 years.

Younger couples don’t know anything else other than having an iPhone and with that, constant contact. Many of us can’t wrap our heads around the idea of going all day without contact. Imagine if all you had was a landline and there was no possibility of texting from Starbucks. You just had to wait until you and your spouse were both at home to talk on landlines.

This is different than OP’s concern.

[Anonymous]

I think not being willing to check in at all while away is odd. Most folks want to at least touch base once a day with a spouse, even if just to make their spouse happy.

[Anonymous]

DW and I text during the day. She is SAHM and before texting it was difficult. She had a hard time understanding that sometimes I couldn't talk I was busy. Texting makes it so much easier

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not call or text my DH about stuff at work. I do not need to keep tabs on him and I am busy myself.

The only time I call or text is when there is a genuine emergency and he knows it. So, f he gets my text or call, even if he is in a meeting, he will excuse himself, walk out of the room and take my call. Knowing this, I will not be making any unnecessary calls to him.

We location share on our phones so it is easy to track each other if that is needed. We do talk on his commute to and from work. We share a calendar, and a to-do list that can be updated as needed.

Same, for the most part. OP’s husband should respond to emergencies, but I have a feeling her idea of “emergency” is quite broad.

Not OP: What gave you that idea or is it that you enjoy putting down others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not call or text my DH about stuff at work. I do not need to keep tabs on him and I am busy myself.

The only time I call or text is when there is a genuine emergency and he knows it. So, f he gets my text or call, even if he is in a meeting, he will excuse himself, walk out of the room and take my call. Knowing this, I will not be making any unnecessary calls to him.

We location share on our phones so it is easy to track each other if that is needed. We do talk on his commute to and from work. We share a calendar, and a to-do list that can be updated as needed.

Same, for the most part. OP’s husband should respond to emergencies, but I have a feeling her idea of “emergency” is quite broad.

Oh come on. There’s a difference between needing to be in touch with your spouse 24/7 and expecting them to not go completely silent while on a weekend trip away. The latter is not normal.