If you have good marriage do you feel bad for other people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Best not to feel smug. You never know when it might implode.

+1. My marriage is great TODAY.

Life changes, people change.

Others' problems remind me how easily things can go wrong and how important it is to work every day to keep it great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad that some many people are married to immature and irresponsible men. I don’t feel like I “got a good one” because my husband can handle things like teacher appreciation week and laundry. I want to tell women that they shouldn’t have to settle for slobs that can’t pull their weight with kids and house stuff - but I don’t because it feels smug. I really hate it when people joke “can you train my husband?” - no I can’t. He came into our relationship as a self sufficient, responsible adult.

Yes. And there are plenty of men married to petty, awful women.

I'm just shocked at how lightly people take the marriage decision. I know there are a lot of surprises that come up after marriage and "life" happens, but PSA - please spend a lot of time with someone you are dating and ask the tough questions. You want someone who is emotionally and morally strong and principled enough that they will be a good life partner through the ups and the downs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really saddens me to see so many friends and family struggling in marriage. Since my marriage is doing way better then average, they tend to confide in me a lot. I try to help as much as I can but sometimes it is tough to hear all that hardships and the pain and the tears. I feel so bad for them. Not everyone can afford marriage counseling and not everyone wants to so I end up being one for many although I do not ask for it nor advertise. It is just because I listen and try to minimize the conflict by minimal advice if asked. It still feels like too much sometimes. I can not imagine how the actual marriage counselors can manage with so much painful information.

If your marriage is good do you end up your go-to person for your friends? I feel like people have a radar and once they sense that you are happy and have good marriage they think you are some sort of an expert. They do not realize that every marriage is different and nobody as all the answers. Right?

So you are self-assigning yourself as "the one with the good marriage?" You sound slightly delusional and very self-aggrandizing.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are upset with our daughters marriage. He seems to have mental problems that he will not address and it has made him accident prone and put us, the kids and her in danger when he drives, on vacation, relying on him to come through. She is doing the work of both parents plus her own career and two kids that can’t figure out why daddy never hears them or responds.

So far all we do is over to fly over there and help if schedules are tough. My husband however wants to punch his lights out since we have all seen him get angry and lie about things he did or did not do.

[Anonymous]

We also do a lot of their household maintenance since he does not notice things nor know how to repair or maintain them. Our daughter does but she can only do so much with her job, the kids and the house.

So yes we are in a happy marriage but feel bad for those who are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really saddens me to see so many friends and family struggling in marriage. Since my marriage is doing way better then average, they tend to confide in me a lot. I try to help as much as I can but sometimes it is tough to hear all that hardships and the pain and the tears. I feel so bad for them. Not everyone can afford marriage counseling and not everyone wants to so I end up being one for many although I do not ask for it nor advertise. It is just because I listen and try to minimize the conflict by minimal advice if asked. It still feels like too much sometimes. I can not imagine how the actual marriage counselors can manage with so much painful information.

If your marriage is good do you end up your go-to person for your friends? I feel like people have a radar and once they sense that you are happy and have good marriage they think you are some sort of an expert. They do not realize that every marriage is different and nobody as all the answers. Right?

I don't think people come to me. But I don't talk a lot about it, either. Some close friends have commented on what a strong marriage we have.
I'm generally... depressed to see others' marriages, including what they think is good seems so superficial. I used to feel smug about that, and now as I have grown I have started to see it as sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad that some many people are married to immature and irresponsible men. I don’t feel like I “got a good one” because my husband can handle things like teacher appreciation week and laundry. I want to tell women that they shouldn’t have to settle for slobs that can’t pull their weight with kids and house stuff - but I don’t because it feels smug. I really hate it when people joke “can you train my husband?” - no I can’t. He came into our relationship as a self sufficient, responsible adult.

PP here. I can echo many of these things.
Where I do feel smug (and I probably shouldn't) is realizing how many of these women just crossed their fingers and hoped for the best when it comes to things like working together and raising children.

[Anonymous]

You probably just have an approachable vibe. My sister is like that. Everyone tells her all their sh*t. It had nothing to do with her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad that some many people are married to immature and irresponsible men. I don’t feel like I “got a good one” because my husband can handle things like teacher appreciation week and laundry. I want to tell women that they shouldn’t have to settle for slobs that can’t pull their weight with kids and house stuff - but I don’t because it feels smug. I really hate it when people joke “can you train my husband?” - no I can’t. He came into our relationship as a self sufficient, responsible adult.

PP here. I can echo many of these things.
Where I do feel smug (and I probably shouldn't) is realizing how many of these women just crossed their fingers and hoped for the best when it comes to things like working together and raising children.

In my early 30s, it was wild to see how many educated women I knew simply married the guy they were dating at the time. There were very few weddings during that time where I felt like I was seeing a celebration of a great love story. The marriages seemed transactional, and went forward despite issues that seemed obvious because the timing was right. I'm not sure how truly happy these people are or aren't today. Some of them got divorced within 5 years of their wedding, so I guess I can gather that at least those went poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If one of my friends were dealing with a bad marriage I'd feel for them regardless of the state of my own marriage. If mine was bad, I wouldn't feel any less bad for my friend. If mine was good, I wouldn't feel any worse.

This for the most part but it's not because I feel bad that they "have a bad marriage" I feel bad because my friend is going through a tough time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t really think of it that way. Sometimes people are unlucky and have unexpected things happen with jobs, expenses, health that puts a strain on the relationship. Those things can happen to any of us and I can’t say how my relationship would hold up with similar things. Sometimes people have decision/choices they are making, and realize inaction and not speaking up is a choice, and they already know what they want to do and I am a sounding board. In those cases, they want social acceptance of the choice they plan to make. I try to walk a fine line because if someone’s mind is made up and it’s not what I would have chosen, at best I can try to get them to articulate why. If someone just wants to complain about their spouse but not actually try to either work things out or change anything about the situation, I’m not the one that people go to for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really think about other people's marriages much.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have a very good marriage. I find it draining to hear about my friends’ bad marriages. But I have other problems, and I’m sure my friends find it draining to hear about those. So it evens out. I try to listen and be non judgmental and offer only minimal advice if asked. Usually my bad marriage friends just want to vent — they’re all in it for the long haul and so it doesn’t really seem like a good strategy for me to agree with their complaints or pile it on. I just listen.

[Anonymous]

People found my grit and approach inspirational. I considered it a good deed to sow positivity and encouragement with those that came to me looking for answers. It’s a cross to bear, but not a heavy one. Chin up, buttercup.

[Anonymous]

I wish DW would see that in grand scheme of life we are doing really well instead of picking out every little thing that could be better or different.