What advice do you have for raising a child who is gifted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I figured I would get flamed for this but wasn’t expecting it to happen so fast. I’m less concerned about education or testing at this point, and more about the specific social emotional issues that gifted kids have. DC has super advanced language so peer relationships are challenging because other kids can’t communicate or participate well in the type of complex play DC prefers. DC is super sensitive, prefers interacting with adults or doing solo play, struggles to connect with other kids on the playground who don’t take turns or share or follow rules, push, are aggressive, etc.

I want to figure out how to help DC navigate these social issues so she doesn’t feel isolated from peers. I am seeing it already and despite doinf activities, play dates, etc. and coaching her on how to initiate and make friends with other kids and play together she still seems to generally prefer adult interaction.

When DH and I were being raised there was no attention on these types of downsides to giftedness, or the unique social/emotional challenges that can crop up, it was just a sole focus on making sure we were educationally challenged.

And yes thank you for the point about effort and not praising for being “smart” I have heard that before and think it is great advice.

My older kid had similar issues at 3 and while we haven't had him tested yet at 5, I have to say (sorry kid) that he seems smart but not particularly gifted. At 3 a lot of this is really hard to tell. A lot of 3 year olds prefer to play with adults! A lot of 3 year olds don't take turns or don't interact well with kids who don't take turns. A lot of 3 year olds, and 4 year olds for that matter, have a hard time entering play. This is basic stuff for that age group. Your kid may well be brilliant but the examples you give aren't of brilliance or being different than peers, they're of being 3.

[Anonymous]

Op, while not abundant there are some resources for parents of gifted kids. Those that say approach gifted kids not from the gifted lens may not realize truly gifted (to distinguish from bright) kids are differently wired. Bright kids may actually succeed better in traditional school. Giftedness does present unique challenges, but it is really hard to crowd source without people getting defensive, dismissive, feeling inadequate or some sort of comparison of their own child. It is lonely, but there are some groups/resources out there that are just for parents of gifted children. Finding those forums (someone mentioned Davidson’s, also look at Hoagie’s and social media groups on topic) will provide much more solidarity and a safe place to share and express the challenges of raising these differently wired children. Then the conversations can be about tips/techniques/support rather than a dismissal or dispute of whether your child is actually gifted. For social stuff I recommend the author Christina Fonseca (sp?). She has a book on emotional intensity in gifted children and the shy child. Also highly recommend the book Living with Intensity! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Avoid using the words "smart" or "gifted" in the kid's earshot. My parents hid my IQ test results from me and I didn't know what I was working with until I was in my teens. It was v. helpful.

This is probably good advice for a parent coming to DCUM to ask what to do for a gifted child.

My childhood was exactly the opposite. Being told in a way that seemed (to me at the time) objective that I was special changed my entire life. Honestly, if I didn't have a particularly diligent 5th grade teacher asking for me to be tested while having more failing grades than passing ones, I would almost certainly not have a college education, much less a graduate education. It was a real turning point in my life and helped me engage in so many other activities and want a different life than the one that I was headed for. It helped me believe in myself and ask what I could do. It gave me a new friend group. And most important, in the awful cesspool that we call middle school it gave me a positive identity for myself at a time when so many kids struggle to define themselves in new ways. My parents weren't terrible people. I wasn't abused or hungry. My parents even told me that education was important and that I could be anything I wanted to be. But I lived in a small town in the Midwest where very few people really leave and it is easy to stay. Parenting here is much different with elementary kids scheduled for an instrument, two sports, coding club, and a meditation meetup. Not going to college is treated like choosing to do meth for six months to see how it goes. The pressure is intense in everything- admission to the magnet middle school, competitions to go to art camp, and HS freshmen drilling SAT prep. I would imagine that a "gifted" label here would only add pressure. It might lead to the sort of "opt out with potential" where being praised for potential is good enough and fear of failure says it is better not to try than not to succeed.

But in the event that you are positing on DCUM for somewhere other than the UMC neighborhoods around here, then the best advice I can give is to breathe normally. If your child were not gifted, it would still be a good idea to take them to library (or another enrichment opportunity). If they were not gifted, they would still need to learn how to lose a soccer game (or anything else) without storming off or pouting. And it would still be a good idea to focus praise on good process than outcomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, while not abundant there are some resources for parents of gifted kids. Those that say approach gifted kids not from the gifted lens may not realize truly gifted (to distinguish from bright) kids are differently wired. Bright kids may actually succeed better in traditional school. Giftedness does present unique challenges, but it is really hard to crowd source without people getting defensive, dismissive, feeling inadequate or some sort of comparison of their own child. It is lonely, but there are some groups/resources out there that are just for parents of gifted children. Finding those forums (someone mentioned Davidson’s, also look at Hoagie’s and social media groups on topic) will provide much more solidarity and a safe place to share and express the challenges of raising these differently wired children. Then the conversations can be about tips/techniques/support rather than a dismissal or dispute of whether your child is actually gifted. For social stuff I recommend the author Christina Fonseca (sp?). She has a book on emotional intensity in gifted children and the shy child. Also highly recommend the book Living with Intensity! Good luck!

Thank you. I really appreciate this response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, while not abundant there are some resources for parents of gifted kids. Those that say approach gifted kids not from the gifted lens may not realize truly gifted (to distinguish from bright) kids are differently wired. Bright kids may actually succeed better in traditional school. Giftedness does present unique challenges, but it is really hard to crowd source without people getting defensive, dismissive, feeling inadequate or some sort of comparison of their own child. It is lonely, but there are some groups/resources out there that are just for parents of gifted children. Finding those forums (someone mentioned Davidson’s, also look at Hoagie’s and social media groups on topic) will provide much more solidarity and a safe place to share and express the challenges of raising these differently wired children. Then the conversations can be about tips/techniques/support rather than a dismissal or dispute of whether your child is actually gifted. For social stuff I recommend the author Christina Fonseca (sp?). She has a book on emotional intensity in gifted children and the shy child. Also highly recommend the book Living with Intensity! Good luck!

Thank you. I really appreciate this response.

Glad I could help!

[Anonymous]

People are reacting the way they are to OP because her kid is 3!! There are tons of kids who exhibit precocious or gifted qualities at 3. You can't tell much if anything at 3! My son was doing 100-200 piece puzzles independently (sight unseen) at age 18 months. We had passing thoughts, "is this kid gifted?" He's now in 6th grade and really good at math and several years ahead. But gifted? Not in the prodigy sense. We've never had his IQ tested but he's likely just a bright, well-adjusted kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both profoundly gifted (ugh, hate writing that because it sounds so arrogant, but we were both tested as children and in gifted programs at school growing up). DC is, not surprisingly, showing all the signs, has been since birth, and seems even smarter than us. Honestly it scares me. DC is only 3 so it’s too early for testing.

DP For someone who is "profoundly gifted" you forgot to answer the question. If you truly hated writing this you would have at least given advice!

Must be because her giftedness makes her unable to relate to her peers.

[Anonymous]

We ended up deciding to homeschool.

And don't call your kid(s) gifted or smart.

[Anonymous]

More than anything else, your child may need a peer group. Fortunately, in this area, even if your child is profoundly gifted, there will be a surprising number of other kids who are also PG. (Also note: Giftedness, especially at the upper end, manifests in diverse and often quirky ways. Be prepared for all the PG kids to be a bit unique, although some will be better at camouflage than others.)

DCUM is a terrible place to talk about giftedness. There are supportive Facebook groups that have a significant population of locals. I suggest Raising Poppies or the Hoagies Gifted FB groups for starters.

[Anonymous]

OP my DC was reading at 3. Gifted but not profoundly (that’s aunt and grandfather).
My advice: Go ahead and accept it. In these early years, at least for us, the teachers were very helpful giving 5th grade stuff in 1st. But as the years went on the differences got bigger and the teachers busier. We kept moving into more advanced classes and for HS TJ. That worked better. The self focus on learning more/ doing more has always worried me but that’s DCs nature.
DC started talking like an adult at 14 and writing / working on an adult level at 14.

[Anonymous]

Research it OP that’s very helpful but not here! People very angry their kid not gifted in DCUM

[Anonymous]

My son and daughter are gifted. We just stimulated them in lots of different directions, and enabled them to do what interested them. For one kid it was swimming and for another it was music.

One went to Stanford and one went to Berkeley. Neither went for swimming or music.

Neither had any problem making or keeping friends. My son is a little on the sensitive side, but that's just compared to the other kids in the family. He was sensitive in that he'd go talk to someone sitting alone, or come back to thank me for dropping him at a friend's house. But that's it.

I never read any books about it.

[Anonymous]

OP says “since birth” Yes I have seen this and you need to beware the anger that brings. Our nanny insisted that we had worked day and night with flashcards on the reading. She was mad her grand daughter couldn’t do the same.
Other moms of gifted children warned me and I thought ... what is she talking about? That was good advice. You are already experiencing it now. You have to accept it as part of the package. And no, not all smart children have social problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, a few things stand out for me about your post. What you describe (hyper-verbal, lots of parallel play, good with adults but not so good with peers, etc) are also all indicators for what *could be* HFA. Autism looks very different in girls than in boys. My oldest was very similar to your DD (it sounds like) when she was younger (I assume your DC is under 4?)-talked full sentences at 1, read by 2.5, did puzzles, crazy imaginary games etc. It was hard for her to play with peers because she was on a different level. What I thought was just social awkwardness because she was more advanced (compared to her peers not necessarily herself) actually became more pronounced the older she got. We had her tested at Stixrud and evaluated at Children's (the former at age 8.5, the latter when she was 5), and she was placed on the high end of the spectrum or what used to be Aspbergers. She also has an IQ that is off the charts.

I am in no way saying your DC has HFA. At. all. But while you seek to enrich her academic life, I think it is good you are also keeping an eye on her peer relationships. I would keep doing one-on-one playdates as much as you can and just keep an eye on her.

Yes you are in this way implying OPs kid will have problems. Ugly.

[Anonymous]

I was a gifted child. I always felt like there was a neon sign over my head.

There’s really not much you need to do academically other than provide an open door. You cannot stop a gifted child from learning. Gifted children have relentless curiosity and resourcefulness.

I was highly sensitive and my family really didn’t get that certain sounds and situations were torturous for me. Mom even had me checked for autism. I really have never figured out how to handle that.

I am really great at being a best friend. A kind, loyal friend who has kept several friends over decades. However, for a long time I was total mess with “mixers”, team sports, and unstructured “find a partner” and do something “fun” stuff.

Those were nightmare situations for me and likely related to my preference for intellectual activities. I literally had no clue how everyone else knew what to do and where they learned it. I actually had to read tons of non-fiction books to figure out what was expected and how to respond in those situations. And I think it is crucial for success to be able to handle those things.

Once I got into the real world, I very, very much wished I had gotten help with “soft skills” while young. I believe those can take you farther in life than academic intelligence.

Also, I wish i hadn’t been pushed into hard sciences just because I was good at it. No one ever asked me what I wanted to do. Luckily, I took the risk and followed my heart. I ended up being quite gifted in my chosen field and am certain I was much happier for it.