What advice do you have for raising a child who is gifted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I figured I would get flamed for this but wasn’t expecting it to happen so fast. I’m less concerned about education or testing at this point, and more about the specific social emotional issues that gifted kids have. DC has super advanced language so peer relationships are challenging because other kids can’t communicate or participate well in the type of complex play DC prefers. DC is super sensitive, prefers interacting with adults or doing solo play, struggles to connect with other kids on the playground who don’t take turns or share or follow rules, push, are aggressive, etc.

I want to figure out how to help DC navigate these social issues so she doesn’t feel isolated from peers. I am seeing it already and despite doinf activities, play dates, etc. and coaching her on how to initiate and make friends with other kids and play together she still seems to generally prefer adult interaction.

When DH and I were being raised there was no attention on these types of downsides to giftedness, or the unique social/emotional challenges that can crop up, it was just a sole focus on making sure we were educationally challenged.

And yes thank you for the point about effort and not praising for being “smart” I have heard that before and think it is great advice.

Hey OP. I posted soemthing a few weeks ago about needing help figuring out how to raise a gifted kid too, and all these people came out of the woodwork telling me that my kid really wasn't gifted and I was just being arrogant. It was nuts. My kid is 6.5 and we just got the testing back, and he scored incredibly high on the tests, for whatever that is worth. As a result of those tests, this is the first time I've thought about raising a gifted kid versus a not gifted kid because now he's in school, and differences like this start to matter because there are opportunities and choices associated with them. Like you, I was (am?) also gifted and was also in the public school system. My kid, too, has a big vocab and relates to older kids/adults more easily. I've just done what some mentioned above - never mentioned the testing results and I don't make a point to tell him how smart he is. He has ended up having some self confidence issues bc some academic things come slower to him than they do to his brother (who hasn't yet been tested but who I believe will also score highly). So, we just talk about normal stuff - working hard, dedication, commitment, trying again, not having to be perfect - and then we find the avenues that he excels at and try to give him outlets for those skills and interests - for him these are the arts and math. So, I'd just recommend learning as you go about your kids' interests/strengths/weaknesses and supporting those - just like you would any other kid.

[Anonymous]

My gifted child taught herself to read at 24 months. I didn’t need a special manual for her. There were no downsides to giftedness like you describe.

My dd is a unique human being with her own unique challenges though.

I did read the forum over at Davidson for perspective.

We didn’t have to accelerate educationally until middle school. There are wonderful resources for this, but cross that bridge when you come to it.

[Anonymous]

All gifted kids have different personalities and different social/emotional strengths and weaknesses, just like any other children. I teach a small group of gifted children, and all of them are very socially competent. I don’t think you need to address the difficulties your child is having from the lens of giftedness.

How old is your child? Some kids just take longer to develop socially.

[Anonymous]

Just a bit of perspective here...when my daughter was young she was very advanced - with language, especially. Her in home daycare and then her daycare center both thought she was gifted. We wanted to start her early in kindergarten, and when we took her to the pediatrician to see if she thought my daughter was ready to start school, the ped said “Ready for kindergarten? She’s ready to TEACH kindergarten!”

Fast forward several years and she’s you’re run of the mill average 7th grader. Doing very well, but by no means “gifted.”

I think there are probably a million more stories like mine.

[Anonymous]

DCUM has this weird obsession with claiming that EVERYONE in the DMV is gifted. It's patently false.

If you take the cutoff for being moderately gifted as an IQ of 130 (up for debate, but it is an often-cited number), that means just over 3% of the general population is moderately gifted. Even if you assume the DMV has a higher than average prevalence of gifted children (say even 5x the average, which is probably overstating it), that would mean 15% of children here would be gifted.

To get to the point where 99th percentile (135 IQ) would be considered "average" (as one PP alleged) would mean the DMV would have a prevalence rate of that IQ that is 50x the general population, which is ludicrous.

The IQ rarity chart, for reference: https://www.iqcomparisonsite.com/iqtable.aspx

[Anonymous]

Well, you are certainly getting hammered. At the risk of oversimplifying, just enjoy your child, read lots of books, expose them to lots of different things (music, art, sports) so that they'll start to figure out what they like, and along the way, they'll meet lots of kids who like similar things. Some gifted children struggle socially and some do not.

[Anonymous]

To answer OP’s question, I think that SENG does a nice job providing resources and webinars for parents on the emotional needs of gifted kids. TILT parenting probably has some useful information as well; though the focus is more twice exceptional, a lot of the podcasts can apply to smart quirky kids in general.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, a few things stand out for me about your post. What you describe (hyper-verbal, lots of parallel play, good with adults but not so good with peers, etc) are also all indicators for what *could be* HFA. Autism looks very different in girls than in boys. My oldest was very similar to your DD (it sounds like) when she was younger (I assume your DC is under 4?)-talked full sentences at 1, read by 2.5, did puzzles, crazy imaginary games etc. It was hard for her to play with peers because she was on a different level. What I thought was just social awkwardness because she was more advanced (compared to her peers not necessarily herself) actually became more pronounced the older she got. We had her tested at Stixrud and evaluated at Children's (the former at age 8.5, the latter when she was 5), and she was placed on the high end of the spectrum or what used to be Aspbergers. She also has an IQ that is off the charts.

I am in no way saying your DC has HFA. At. all. But while you seek to enrich her academic life, I think it is good you are also keeping an eye on her peer relationships. I would keep doing one-on-one playdates as much as you can and just keep an eye on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All gifted kids have different personalities and different social/emotional strengths and weaknesses, just like any other children. I teach a small group of gifted children, and all of them are very socially competent. I don’t think you need to address the difficulties your child is having from the lens of giftedness.

How old is your child? Some kids just take longer to develop socially.

This exactly. Lots of non-gifted kids have social issues at age 3. I think 3 year olds having social issues on the playground would cover a huge percentage of 3 year olds on playgrounds. Don't make everything in life about the giftedness, it will backfire. Not everyone is good at all things, nor should anyone be expected to not struggle with an aspect of life just because they are very smart--that's setting your kid up to have anxiety about failing rather than figuring out how to navigate situations that are uncomfortable and gaining confidence by getting through them and/or the frustration surrounding it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both profoundly gifted (ugh, hate writing that because it sounds so arrogant, but we were both tested as children and in gifted programs at school growing up). DC is, not surprisingly, showing all the signs, has been since birth, and seems even smarter than us. Honestly it scares me. DC is only 3 so it’s too early for testing.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Some kids really are profoundly gifted, and parenting them has its own set of challenges.

I get tired of the flaming here whenever a parent shows up in good faith, just seeking advice. Offer your help, or just shut up if all you want is another piñata to knock around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both profoundly gifted (ugh, hate writing that because it sounds so arrogant, but we were both tested as children and in gifted programs at school growing up). DC is, not surprisingly, showing all the signs, has been since birth, and seems even smarter than us. Honestly it scares me. DC is only 3 so it’s too early for testing.

"since birth"
please tell us more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCUM has this weird obsession with claiming that EVERYONE in the DMV is gifted. It's patently false.

If you take the cutoff for being moderately gifted as an IQ of 130 (up for debate, but it is an often-cited number), that means just over 3% of the general population is moderately gifted. Even if you assume the DMV has a higher than average prevalence of gifted children (say even 5x the average, which is probably overstating it), that would mean 15% of children here would be gifted.

To get to the point where 99th percentile (135 IQ) would be considered "average" (as one PP alleged) would mean the DMV would have a prevalence rate of that IQ that is 50x the general population, which is ludicrous.

The IQ rarity chart, for reference: https://www.iqcomparisonsite.com/iqtable.aspx

no. it's more like a lot of parents on DCUM have children who are technically gifted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both profoundly gifted (ugh, hate writing that because it sounds so arrogant, but we were both tested as children and in gifted programs at school growing up). DC is, not surprisingly, showing all the signs, has been since birth, and seems even smarter than us. Honestly it scares me. DC is only 3 so it’s too early for testing.

DP For someone who is "profoundly gifted" you forgot to answer the question. If you truly hated writing this you would have at least given advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I figured I would get flamed for this but wasn’t expecting it to happen so fast. I’m less concerned about education or testing at this point, and more about the specific social emotional issues that gifted kids have. DC has super advanced language so peer relationships are challenging because other kids can’t communicate or participate well in the type of complex play DC prefers. DC is super sensitive, prefers interacting with adults or doing solo play, struggles to connect with other kids on the playground who don’t take turns or share or follow rules, push, are aggressive, etc.

I want to figure out how to help DC navigate these social issues so she doesn’t feel isolated from peers. I am seeing it already and despite doinf activities, play dates, etc. and coaching her on how to initiate and make friends with other kids and play together she still seems to generally prefer adult interaction.

When DH and I were being raised there was no attention on these types of downsides to giftedness, or the unique social/emotional challenges that can crop up, it was just a sole focus on making sure we were educationally challenged.

And yes thank you for the point about effort and not praising for being “smart” I have heard that before and think it is great advice.

OP, my oldest was like this, too. I would urge you not to assume that every challenge that arises is due to your child's giftedness. I don't think that this way to view the world will help your child--in fact, I think you will harm your child with this view.

While we very much enjoyed my son's brightness and curiosity from early on, and have encouraged all his interests, I viewed his social challenges as just that: a problem that we needed to deal with. See it as asynchronous development if you want... it is still a problem and, since he's my son, I see it as my job to help him. I read some books, we did some therapy, I hosted one million play dates, which I helped facilitate. We worked on social skills for years. In the end, my son has many friends and is a nice happy kid. I am glad I put in the time, starting in preschool, to help him overcome his challenges.

As for the strengths, other than providing him with opportunities, books, conversation, and love, nothing else needed.