[Need guy's perspective] Would you be turned off by this? Any way to gain back his interest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guy here.
He sounds weird. I'd consider myself lucky if I were you. Taking a woman by the hand is okay on a first date if you're trying to make physical contact to show interest. You have to pick up on the chemistry though. If you two "passionately kissed" then clearly you felt something. Was it stalking or just googling you? I do the latter sometimes for basic info so I know the person isn't married, crazy, or a pathological liar (run into all three). Anything beyond that...stalking is always a "do not pass go."

This doesn't sound like your situation, but I've been in a position where a woman didn't seem interested after a few dates, so I faded away. She called me to see why I'd disappeared. I told her I didn't think we had chemistry and that she didn't seem that interested. She assured me it wasn't the case and asked for another date. We went out two more times, but it was the same thing, so I broke it off with her for good. If you really like him, you can try reaching out, but I personally would avoid him.

By the way, he denied that he stalked me. That said, the language barrier makes it impossible for me to tell if his explanation makes sense. Another poster said this is a hot mess, he might be right...

Your case probably applies to me. I was brought up in a culture where feelings are suppressed, like girls should wait to be chased, my mom taught me to only say yes to one date out of three dates the guy asked, etc. which of course is utter BS. But you get the idea. So yeah, most of the time, I'm bad at expressing my affection especially to guys I'm attracted to.

OP, what culture were you brought up in? Are you American?

[Anonymous]

OMG run away.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking if you passionately kissed and locking/holding hands then sex is a reasonable and expected next step otherwise you're sending mix signals.

A guy.

[Anonymous]

Your gut was giving you a gift; if you had ignored it, you’d be kicking yourself when things with this guy went to s**t. Never question your gut, it was right on. He was making you uncomfortable, despite your interest in him.

He was clearly wanting sex. You wanted to get to know him and make a connection. You would’ve ultimately been hurt and disappointed.

Don’t second-guess yourself. You don’t deserve that. Realext your gut and the signals it sends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your gut was giving you a gift; if you had ignored it, you’d be kicking yourself when things with this guy went to s**t. Never question your gut, it was right on. He was making you uncomfortable, despite your interest in him.

He was clearly wanting sex. You wanted to get to know him and make a connection. You would’ve ultimately been hurt and disappointed.

Don’t second-guess yourself. You don’t deserve that. Realext your gut and the signals it sends.

^^ * respect your gut

[Anonymous]

Plus if he really cares for you, he would respect your pace. You’re talking about expressing affection, but his interest seemed purely sexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plus if he really cares for you, he would respect your pace. You’re talking about expressing affection, but his interest seemed purely sexual.

Disagree. They connected through common shared interests and affection tension built up over he course of the class which could be one to two months long before officially dating. It's not the typical first date they're already way past that. He actually took his time to wait until class was over. He's not pushing or rushing.

A guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plus if he really cares for you, he would respect your pace. You’re talking about expressing affection, but his interest seemed purely sexual.

Disagree. They connected through common shared interests and affection tension built up over he course of the class which could be one to two months long before officially dating. It's not the typical first date they're already way past that. He actually took his time to wait until class was over. He's not pushing or rushing.

A guy.

+1

[Anonymous]

As passionate as he seems, I think you being reserved actually saved you from potential problems. If he's really into you, nothing will stop him. He'll try a different approach and less intensity and speed. You should do absolutely nothing.

If he lost interest and that's possible too, guess what - he just thought of you as an easy target to get laid, and proven wrong he'll just chase someone else (passionately, of course!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As passionate as he seems, I think you being reserved actually saved you from potential problems. If he's really into you, nothing will stop him. He'll try a different approach and less intensity and speed. You should do absolutely nothing.

If he lost interest and that's possible too, guess what - he just thought of you as an easy target to get laid, and proven wrong he'll just chase someone else (passionately, of course!)

Why do you ladies have to be so difficult? The guy didn't just try to laid he SPENT TIME GETTING TO KNOW HER through class! And they texted and went out and kissed why is it so wrong for the dude to want to know if OP wanted (to be with) him? What else would you like him to do? Plus OP may not have verbally expressed the desire but obviously wanted to have sex with him too. I don't know what game she's playing or what issue she had that held her back but yes it's definitely possible he's "turned off" by whatever she was doing to him. And if OP wants to "gain back his interest" she should NOT be doing absolutely nothing! Terrible, terrible advice.

A guy.

[Anonymous]

Hey guy,

She admitted she’s messed up. If she wants to “gain back his interest” then what, say you, should she be doing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget whether or not he likes you or is pulling away, the only question is DO YOU LIKE HIM? Figure that out and then proceed from there.

+1

[Anonymous]

Run.... and never look back. Tons of red flags and your gut is telling you he has stalker tendencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As passionate as he seems, I think you being reserved actually saved you from potential problems. If he's really into you, nothing will stop him. He'll try a different approach and less intensity and speed. You should do absolutely nothing.

If he lost interest and that's possible too, guess what - he just thought of you as an easy target to get laid, and proven wrong he'll just chase someone else (passionately, of course!)

Why do you ladies have to be so difficult? The guy didn't just try to laid he SPENT TIME GETTING TO KNOW HER through class! And they texted and went out and kissed why is it so wrong for the dude to want to know if OP wanted (to be with) him? What else would you like him to do? Plus OP may not have verbally expressed the desire but obviously wanted to have sex with him too. I don't know what game she's playing or what issue she had that held her back but yes it's definitely possible he's "turned off" by whatever she was doing to him. And if OP wants to "gain back his interest" she should NOT be doing absolutely nothing! Terrible, terrible advice.

A guy.

But he should respect her pace. It doesn’t all have to happen on the first date. She passionately kissed him, but wasn’t ready to take it further. There was also definitely a communication/language barrier.

If OP is open to a f**k then she should pursue it. If she’s looking for a serious relationship, she hasn’t painted a great picture.

OP, will you have the chance to see this guy again?

[Anonymous]

Also - what was the behavior that caused you to suspect he may be stalking you? That’s essential information/context for us to have if you want appropriate advice.

People always talk about the book “The Gift of Fear” on here which is apparently about listening to your gut. It sounds like you’ve been in a situation before where you felt unsafe or that your boundaries were violated. So maybe you are very cautious as a result, or maybe you were picking up on legitimate red flags.

Please tell us about the “stalker” behavior.