Just a vent - my mom is useless
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I feel your pain OP. I love my mom to pieces but she is in her upper 70s and is more hassle than the baby in some ways. AT the end of the day they just want to be around the baby and cuddle, that's it. Now that you have realized her limitations I would advise identifying 1 task she can actually do and ask her to step up and do it and let the rest of the stuff slide. That way she is at least helping a little but still getting in all the cuddle time she wants. Speak up without being rude. I would suggest urging her to get up in time to take your older kid to school maybe? When my mom is here I wake her up just like I would a kid. Or whatever task you think she can actually do.... |
Anonymous
|
Come to peace with it now if you can because it will never change. My mom is similar, though she doesn't volunteer to help much. When I had my first child she came to visit as soon as possible, held the baby and then left promptly because she didn't want to be responsible for doing anything.
My MIL on the other hand came and stayed a week and cooked and did laundry and wanted to feed and bathe the baby, etc. She's amazing and has always been a wonderful help. My mom has always just created more work for me to do. It's frustrating but it's better now that I've learned to expect it so I'm not disappointed when it happens. |
Anonymous
|
When my parents came to help for several months, I increase the hours for my cleaning lady and call her every week. It really helped to outsource some work.
My dad and mom love to fold laundry while watching TV, dad loves to iron clothes while watching TV, mom loves to chop veggies, shell peas, snap beans etc. So they took care of a lot of small things that helped overall. The best was that they would happily play with my older kids, read to them and even watch boring cartoons with them. They would make sure that my kids were fed and all of this they did pretty much following the way they wanted to do. I did not interfere. My kids were loved and fed by grandparents and I got a break. If you want someone to help you the exact way you want things done then you have to outsource that and pay them. With grandparents - learn to be flexible, understand that they are elderly and they are there to help in their own way and in their limited capacity. Mostly they are there to see the grandkids and cuddle them. As long as they are not at a stage where you have to change their adult diapers - seriously, county your blessings. |
Anonymous
|
That's really disappointing, OP! Did your mom stay with you when the first was born and if so, was she more helpful then? Any way you can subtly say something like, "I loved it when you stayed with us when DC1 was born and you cooked that delicious XYZ - would you be willing to do that again? I'm feeling so overwhelmed by planning and preparing dinner and the clean up, I would really appreciate if you could take over in that department for the rest of your stay. You're such a great cook, I know everyone would appreciate it!"
But if you're just looking for a vent more than advice -- then I am sorry this has been a disappointment for you! I hope you get some needed rest. Juggling an infant and another child is a lot and it sounds like you're managing really well. |
Anonymous
| I would ask her to leave. She wouldn't have been invited if she was going to behave this way, so now it's time to go. |
Anonymous
|
I'm about to be a FTM and dreading this. My parents came up once for an event during a busy period at work and I just asked if they could take care of dinner every night. My mom panicked, somehow after putting dinner on a table for a family of four for 18+ years she could not figure out what to do. Every night I had to text her what to make, what ingredients to buy, and general directions for putting it together. And I'd get home and she would be flustered.
She was maybe 67 at the time. Last summer, when she was 71, I had surgery when DH was out of town and the same stuff happened but worse -- I needed someone to help me with PT and she panicked that she was hurting me and couldn't do it. She also could not drive my stick shift even though she had driven one for probably 20 years as a younger person and when she was even 10 years younger would come to visit me and have no issues driving it. We had to rent an automatic for her. She was a really steady, confident woman and still "acted" that way so this has kind of been a shock. So I think this could be less of "my mom sucks at helping with my baby" and more of the reality starting that our moms are aging + rusty with running a busy household and they are just not going to be the rock they would be had they been younger. Made more difficult with the fact that we are generally having kids older so moms are older. I mean my grandma helped my mom with babies in the 1970s but she was in her 50s, not 70s. |
Anonymous
It is not the grandparents responsibility to help with your children and if you butt in and interfere then you can count on your DIL hating you. Family help is FREE and you cannot treat them like maids. HIRE help and then you can boss them around. |
Anonymous
|
OP here - thanks for the commiseration. I have tried to give my mom some simple tasks and some she does and some she gives me an excuse and does not. I have totally come to terms with the fact that this is just how it will be. I actually suggested to her that she go home earlier than planned since she complains about everything but she says she wants to stay.
She was the one who told me she was going to be super helpful and stay up with the baby, etc - I did not ask her to do any of that. With my first she only came for a week because she was still working (now she is retired). I think the sad reality is that she is getting older and probably can’t help. She truly lays around all day which makes me sad. |
Anonymous
| Ask her to leave. |
Anonymous
NP. OP didn't ask her mom to come and help, nitwit. Mom offered to visit and "help" and then is being anything but helpful, and wouldn't leave when OP suggested that she leave early. And this is OP's fault/skewed expectation exactly how? Yeah, didn't think so. |
Anonymous
Don't ask or suggest, just tell her it's time to leave. |
Anonymous
| Some parents are like that. My Mom would lie, pillage and murder just to get included in things. And then she just sits on the couch and expects meals and all kinds of pampering. Life doesn't work like that - now she only skypes grandkids because my SIL and DB would not invite her anymore. I am expecting, but there is no way I am inviting her to visit in the first few months. |
Anonymous
Clearly, OP is capable of taking care of her children, since she's doing that right now. It's totally normal to be annoyed that someone who ASKED to stay with you, promising to help with a new baby, is not only not helping, but making more work for her hosts. |
Anonymous
| My mother was just like yours OP. Begged to come. No help at all. Freaked out about post-delivery health issues I was having way more than I was... thus causing me to get even more freaked out. Actually broke multiple things around the house once I got home. This was with #1. I made her leave and send she could come back in a month. With #2 I resisted her pressure to come for the first month when I would have more ability to host her. It is what it is. |
Anonymous
| Oh god this sounds awful. My Indian in laws are amazing. They do everything for me. I am truly blessed to have them. |