Why do the moms hand in cliques at the games/matches?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone considered that many of these moms are simply shy or are not schooled in basic etiquette? I am amazed at how reticent most people are when it comes to introductions and getting to know others. Even at the potluck dinners, they all stand around, unsure of what to do. Modern times have made all people less socially-skilled.

Those who are able to comfortably walk up to someone, stick out their hand and say their name will always find friends.

I think this is an excellent point. At my son's first school, I thought all the other moms of his classmates were snobby or unfriendly because none of them made an effort to introduce themselves or draw me into the conversation (there were only two or three new families in the class). So I just decided to introduce myself, smile a lot, and keep trying. And I was suprised to discover that most of them were actually really nice. It turns out they were just oblivious and preoccupied (and in several cases, rather shy) - not snobby at all. Just mediocre social skills. So now, at my son's new school, I just walk up to people I haven't met, hold out my hand, and introduce myself. Because if I don't, I'll never meet them. It's actually kind of astounding how bad a lot of people are at basic introductions - you'd think in Washington most people would have figured out simple etiquette by the time they're in their 30s and 40s.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that some of these "rude" people may be shy and that's perceived as rude or aloof. But I'm a shy person, and I say hello and I can guarantee you that after meeting me a couple of times, you realize I'm not be rude -- I can be really shy in certain situations.

Also, the rude moms I come into contact with at school are 99% professionals. Big time jobs. Couldn't be ruder, in large part because I'm not one of them and I can't "do" something for them. If you're not a known master of the universe at some of these schools, no one really cares to talk to you at the birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

PP here - being rude

[Anonymous]

Sorry you feel this way. This is how I have felt for the past few years until my child just recently began at a new school and I have found the people there to be so friendly and welcoming. Funny thing is that this school is full of some of the most connected and vip people in DC and they seem to be the nicest and friendliest people that I have met in DC! It is the social climbers and wannabees that I have met outside my child's school that I have found to be the biggest a-holes!

[Anonymous]

I am Parisian, and was pleasantly surprised at how FRIENDLY people were in the DC area! Even during Metro rush hour...

Of course, most agree Paris would be the most beautiful city in the world were it not for the Parisians... so just reminding the previous pleasant posters that there is FAR worse out there

[Anonymous]

I know many women in my area who never had professions . Jobs yes, but they quickly quit once marriage and children came along. THere is a whole demographic out there like this and yes, I have been surprised to encounter it. Very affluent. Think Potomac.

[Anonymous]

Of course, Parisians are notorious for rudeness, so perhaps your standard for what is considered "friendly" is not that high.

Anonymous wrote:I am Parisian, and was pleasantly surprised at how FRIENDLY people were in the DC area! Even during Metro rush hour...

Of course, most agree Paris would be the most beautiful city in the world were it not for the Parisians... so just reminding the previous pleasant posters that there is FAR worse out there

[Anonymous]

Mmmm -- I can't really comment on Parisians. Most seemed nice enough to me.

I don't think most of the moms I encountered are shy-- they talk a lot to people in their circle- they're just not welcoming. And, yes, I say hello to everyone and I am interested in other people and what they have to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an earlier poster PP -- I never said I hate the people who live in DC. I differentiated (and so did many others) between all of the work people who manage to say hello and the moms at the schools who don't. Maybe you're one of the ones who is in your own little group and fail to say hello to the outsiders since you say you don't notice it.

Nope. There are no little groups at my daughters school. The class only has 12 kids so things are not that complicated. We all speak to each other at drop off, pick up, and all the birthday parties for the kids. It sounds to me like you might be a little sensitive and possibly shy. I'm an outgoing person so if I want to have small talk with people, I just do. I refuse to believe everyone in the DC area is rude, mean, and cold. Because it's not true.

[Anonymous]

Having lived all over the country, I will say that the further west you move, the friendlier the people are. I have also spent significant time in Paris and have to say that if you take the time to understand their culture, they are much more charming than Americans.

Moms can appear "rude" for a number of reasons - everything from insecurity running through full-blown ego trips. It is up to each of us to decipher and find a way to fit in. Maybe it's just walking up and saying "hi" - or maybe it's volunteering.

Ironically, we moved from a school known for its very informal nature to a school where the rep has always been snotty. Have found the parents at our new school to be the friendliest - heads and tails above the old school. Sometimes the tone can be set by the administration.

I have found the dads to be more of an issue than the moms. Many of them way too gruff and lacking social skills. But I do understand the issue is with them, not with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son just graduated from a Big 3 and I dealt with this for years. Yuck. After awhile, I decided to just focus on my reason for being at an event and enjoy watching my child. I even chose to remove myself from the "mom clique" during the activities b/c I didn't want to stand there and discuss teachers, other parents, etc.

The entitlement and elitism in some of these schools is ridiculous. And my family is from Boston so it's not an East Coast thing.

One thought - you might actually ask your child's teacher (who is probably more like you) if there are any moms she thinks you might connect with. She knows all of the parents and could possibly pair you up on a volunteer mission or something with a down to earth mom. They exist - they're probably just flumoxed like you

They are like the Cool Kids in high school. Some were bashing a kid and his mom. Jealous over a college sports offer. So be it.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'll throw this out there -- to all of you who recommend simply going up to someone frosty and saying "Hi!", I have found this does not work at all IF you are a physically unattractive person.

I am comfortable in my skin but I can say that I'm just not a good looking person, by U.S. standards. I am fat. My clothing, while clean and matching, is nothing impressive. Same for my shoes and bag. I have a basic face.

When I just saunter up to a new mom at school with a pleasant "Hi!", on many (but not all) occasions the woman on the other end has looked outright surprised. Then chilly or pained. There have been a couple of times since 9/2009 when the other mom appears just incredulous that she's standing there with ME.

I would simply chalk this up to poor all-around social skills, but then the next afternoon I see the same woman being plenty engaging with a brand-new, yet more conventionally attractive, mother. This does not happen to me much in the work wolrd, even during networking social hours or conferences.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. 4:56 said she thinks the dads aren't as nice to approach. I've found the opposite to be true -- all of the dads I talked to always say "hello". I've never had an issue with them. And, 6:33 made me sad.

[Anonymous]

I think we assume that just because someone now comes in adult form, they have adult qualities. I have met kids with better interpersonal skills than one of their parents.

Everyone comes with baggage - some with small tote bags and others with steamer trunks. Ignoring someone truly reflects poorly on them - an outward manifestation of their issues. They really haven't grown up much, have they?

If you want to make connections, get out there. Smile, make eye contact, be friendly. Sometimes it takes being seen more - get out there and volunteer. The more they know about you, the more contact there will be.

[Anonymous]

Wow--that's heartbreaking!

Anonymous wrote:Okay, I'll throw this out there -- to all of you who recommend simply going up to someone frosty and saying "Hi!", I have found this does not work at all IF you are a physically unattractive person.

I am comfortable in my skin but I can say that I'm just not a good looking person, by U.S. standards. I am fat. My clothing, while clean and matching, is nothing impressive. Same for my shoes and bag. I have a basic face.

When I just saunter up to a new mom at school with a pleasant "Hi!", on many (but not all) occasions the woman on the other end has looked outright surprised. Then chilly or pained. There have been a couple of times since 9/2009 when the other mom appears just incredulous that she's standing there with ME.

I would simply chalk this up to poor all-around social skills, but then the next afternoon I see the same woman being plenty engaging with a brand-new, yet more conventionally attractive, mother. This does not happen to me much in the work wolrd, even during networking social hours or conferences.