How do you deal with kids fat shaming others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A well-timed F*ck you can be very useful.

Yes! But op's dd is probably kind and quiet, exactly why a jerk might target her and why she won't retaliate. Bullies suck!

[Anonymous]

I would use honey rather than vinegar for a comeback... (tilt head, look quizically at him).. "you must have a really really crappy home life.. I'm so sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you." Walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a lot of terrible advice on here.

She needs to learn to roll her eyes and ignore it. He's looking for a reaction--a non-reaction takes away the thrill of doing it. That, along with asking him why he feels the need to talk to her at all. "Jack, stop talk to me or about me." eyeroll, leave.

My DS used this tactice for the better part of 2 months when a couple of boys at his private (boys private) kept calling him and a friend gay. Friend eventually complained, things got worse for him. DS didn't, and it stopped completely. No fun, clearly.

I'm sorry, but I think your "ignore it" advice is horrible. Bullies continue to harass the nice kids who "ignore" it. I disagree that bullies look for reactions. They for easy targets. And kids that ignore are easy targets. I'm sorry your kid got harassed for two months. I think could have been much briefer had he shot it down from the get-go.

I agree about insulting the bullies back. It takes a lot of courage and risk and so it's not easily done. But i do think it's most effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you teach girls to handle such situations? I need ideas on what are some good comebacks she can use for situations like these?

Depends on the details. How many classes does your DD have with this boy? How many times does your DD run into this boy each day? What is he saying, and where/when is he saying it? Who else is hearing his comments? What does your DD know of the boy's personal and social situation?

[Anonymous]

Comebacks are useless in this situation, the boys just going to start calling her a fat b**ch instead of just fat.

Go to the school, this is bullying period. I wish someone would have stopped it when I was your daughter's age. Instead, I was told to "ignore him" etc.

I'm a successful adult now but not without my share of depression and anxiety (not to mention bouts of disordered eating), and it all stemmed from middle school bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A well-timed F*ck you can be very useful.

Yes! But op's dd is probably kind and quiet, exactly why a jerk might target her and why she won't retaliate. Bullies suck!

DP. But I believe it's important for her to learn to retaliate, even if it doesn't come to her naturally! My DD is still in ES, but that's what I intend to practice with her, come middle school. Just "F..ck you, loser!", then turn around and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Here's the deal. When men want to make women feel bad they pick on their appearance. It is a lazy insult and isn't so much reflective of him thinking she's fat its that he knows it will make her feel bad. It means he can't think of another thing about her to insult and is just using a filler than any man would use for any woman fat or not. Once she understands that it should hurt less.

[Anonymous]

I’d be more concerned with ensuring her self-esteem stays high than worrying about reacting to him. All the smart comebacks don’t change teh fact that it likely still eats her up inside. Focus on her understanding this is a tiny blip of time and in a few short months her body will change again -for the better! Agree with PP that focusing on the fact it’s a lazy insult that needs to be ignored in her head.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]I’d be more concerned with ensuring her self-esteem stays high than worrying about reacting to him. All the smart comebacks don’t change teh fact that it likely still eats her up inside. Focus on her understanding this is a tiny blip of time and in a few short months her body will change again -for the better! Agree with PP that focusing on the fact it’s a lazy insult that needs to be ignored in her head.[/quote].

This poster is closest. 14 is either 8th or 9th usually. If MS, it might be appropriate to talk to the counselor. In HS, she needs to be self advocating. There are assholes everywhere and she needs to learn to deal with them. Without getting in the gutter too.

I also have a 14 year old DD. HS freshman, not MS. And she is amazing at dealing with this type of thing. She stands her ground, holds eye contact, rolls her eyes slightly, and says “And?” Is a tone that says “what is your point and why are you wasting my time?” And if something else is said, she will look slightly more impatient and repeat the And? Until the person slinks away. It’s a skill honed by years of having a big brother who has a foot and 40 pounds on her. But, as someone who has been on the receiving end of her Ands? I can assure you it works.

Anyway, that’s how my DD deals with bullying. Your DD needs to find her own response that she feels comfortable with. But, you need to think bigger than this one bully. 14 can be a tough age for girls. She needs all the self esteem she can get. If she feels good about herself and confident, then the bully loses his power and moves on. And on a bigger scale, she needs to have a toolbox for dealing with criticism— fair and unfair— in life. Everyone has a mean boss or asshole spouse or an obnoxious co-worker or a 16 year old know it all in their life at any given time. Learning to take the constructive pieces of criticism and ignore the rest or respond appropriately is a life skill. Especially for women. Maybe a family therapist can help you and her figure out how to do this in a way she is comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Get her into shape so she can begin to live a healthy lifestyle did that thought ever cross your mind OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get her into shape so she can begin to live a healthy lifestyle did that thought ever cross your mind OP?

The 14 year old needle d*ck is here to fat shame!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is bullying, and as the former fat girl I think you should go to the principal and counselor. It's not acceptable to fat shame even though it's widely accepted.

I wish I had great comebacks to suggest but I can tell you that it was very damaging to be teased so much about it when I was young, back before anyone really cared about bullying generally or fat shaming in particular.

+1

[Anonymous]

So, not the boy harassing girl dynamic—-but, my 9 year old son is not fat, he’s just huge—foot taller than his peers, will probably be 6’8 or so. Anyway, he plays hockey and when he’s next to his teammates in his gear he looks like he has 50 pounds on the next biggest kid.

So, one of his teammates is a total shit and started calling my kid fat ass. So, we started addressing that kid and referring to that kid as “the kid who calls you fat ass.” Like, my son comes into the locker room and says, in front of everyone, “hello kid who calls me fat ass.” The kid is so embarassed he wants to die. And he has shut his nasty mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This won't be a popular response, but I'd take a moment with her and assist her in brainstorming his personal weaknesses. Basically, determining his insecurities. I'd help her figure out some zingers based on this. Obviously you can go through the school to, but there's something to be said about learning how to size someone up and taken them down verbally if they're trying to mess with you.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would use honey rather than vinegar for a comeback... (tilt head, look quizically at him).. "you must have a really really crappy home life.. I'm so sorry. If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you." Walk away.

I like this approach and you can add, “Did it work? Do you feel better about yourself now”?