When a friend tells you they're cheating on their spouse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge anyone for what they do since they will face any consequences for their actions.

Most are judgey. I am not. My friend did it. I listened. I dud not judge. They have been married almost a decade now. We are still friends.

People really have no idea what is going on in others’ relationships. But if someone cheats, I think it should be over. But I keep my opinion to myself. I am there for good friends no matter what.,

This is a load of morally weak garbage. The reason you are not "judging" is because the immoral behavior does not affect you personally. If it did, that would be a different story. If your friend said, "hey, I am having an affair with your husband" would your reaction be "I will not judge you, I will just listen and be there for you as a friend"? HELL. NO. You would judge her harshly, as well as scream and rake her face with your fingernails.

If you had a shred of integrity you would tell someone they were doing wrong even if they were not wronging you.

Actually, you are wrong. If someone was having an affair with my husband, I would not judge. I would just be done. Judgement is not worth my time. It would just be over. I would just leave.

Bull.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people on this thread who feel very threatened by another person's actions. It's weird.

I hope you likewise choose to dump your friends whenever they act "without integrity," such as when they:

- buy Altria stock
- purchase food in styrofoam containers
- trap a rodent using a glue trap
- don't tithe
- dispose of electronic waste the wrong way
- gossip about co-workers
- eat meat
- I dunno, all the other stuff that's frowned upon by someone somewhere

If your self-confidence is that much wrapped up in others, I do not envy your fragility.

You’re reaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people on this thread who feel very threatened by another person's actions. It's weird.

I hope you likewise choose to dump your friends whenever they act "without integrity," such as when they:

- buy Altria stock
- purchase food in styrofoam containers
- trap a rodent using a glue trap
- don't tithe
- dispose of electronic waste the wrong way
- gossip about co-workers
- eat meat
- I dunno, all the other stuff that's frowned upon by someone somewhere

If your self-confidence is that much wrapped up in others, I do not envy your fragility.

I think it’s more about not wanting to be around a friend who makes you feel unhappy/anxious/sad/guilty , than it is about self-righteousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge anyone for what they do since they will face any consequences for their actions.

Most are judgey. I am not. My friend did it. I listened. I dud not judge. They have been married almost a decade now. We are still friends.

People really have no idea what is going on in others’ relationships. But if someone cheats, I think it should be over. But I keep my opinion to myself. I am there for good friends no matter what.,

This is a load of morally weak garbage. The reason you are not "judging" is because the immoral behavior does not affect you personally. If it did, that would be a different story. If your friend said, "hey, I am having an affair with your husband" would your reaction be "I will not judge you, I will just listen and be there for you as a friend"? HELL. NO. You would judge her harshly, as well as scream and rake her face with your fingernails.

If you had a shred of integrity you would tell someone they were doing wrong even if they were not wronging you.

Actually, you are wrong. If someone was having an affair with my husband, I would not judge. I would just be done. Judgement is not worth my time. It would just be over. I would just leave.

Bull.

You don’t know me. I really do not care. I would say “you can have him” and that would be it.

[Anonymous]

I would have to distance myself. I couldn't deal with the deceit.

[Anonymous]

Cheating is a form of emotional abuse. It isn't a mistake, it isn't a victimless crime, and it isn't harmless. It is a deliberate decision by one person in a relationship to repeatedly lie, manipulate, and gaslight their partner so they can have sex outside the marriage. It takes serious time, effort, and energy to orchestrate that kind of deception, and it says a lot about the character of anyone willing to do it.

People who say "mind your own business" or "you don't K ow what's going on in another person's marriage, " are operating under an extremely dated and dysfunctional moral code. People said the same things about physical abuse in a marriage. Maybe she nagged him too much, maybe she egged him on... None of our business.

Nope. Every adult is responsible for their own decisions. No one made her have an affair. Your friend is a selfish, inconsiderate, immoral person who cares more about her short term sexual satisfaction than the person she willingly commited herself to through marriage.

I'm not saying you can't he friends with her... But don't fool yourself about who she is.
..

[Anonymous]

We wouldn't be friends anymore. Telling me is essentially asking me to lie. I grew up with a cheating parent and all the issues it causes. I wouldn't knowingly help someone hurt someone else.

[Anonymous]

We wouldn't be friends anymore. Telling me is essentially asking me to lie. I grew up with a cheating parent and all the issues it causes. I wouldn't knowingly help someone hurt someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheating is a form of emotional abuse. It isn't a mistake, it isn't a victimless crime, and it isn't harmless. It is a deliberate decision by one person in a relationship to repeatedly lie, manipulate, and gaslight their partner so they can have sex outside the marriage. It takes serious time, effort, and energy to orchestrate that kind of deception, and it says a lot about the character of anyone willing to do it.

People who say "mind your own business" or "you don't K ow what's going on in another person's marriage, " are operating under an extremely dated and dysfunctional moral code. People said the same things about physical abuse in a marriage. Maybe she nagged him too much, maybe she egged him on... None of our business.

Nope. Every adult is responsible for their own decisions. No one made her have an affair. Your friend is a selfish, inconsiderate, immoral person who cares more about her short term sexual satisfaction than the person she willingly commited herself to through marriage.

I'm not saying you can't he friends with her... But don't fool yourself about who she is.
..

Exactly.

Why would you want to be friends with someone who is so selfish that they have an affair, and so deceitful that they lie repeatedly to their partner? That's someone that I cannot respect. And what is friendship without respect?

[Anonymous]

I was cheated on (we moved in together and I literally got a text from the other woman as the moving trucks were leaving the driveway) - not married so probably less ‘dramatic’, but wow was it in painful.
I’ll be very supportive to my friends and would never cut them off, but i’d still be brutally honest about my thoughts.
I’ll be the first to admit that my personal experience definitely steers my judgment. My own sister, who is my absolute best friend, was caught playing with fire (messaging with an ex. Nothing physical but who knows where it would’ve gone). She called me crying after her DH caught it. I was supportive but was pissed at her and didnt hold back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people on this thread who feel very threatened by another person's actions. It's weird.

I hope you likewise choose to dump your friends whenever they act "without integrity," such as when they:

- buy Altria stock
- purchase food in styrofoam containers
- trap a rodent using a glue trap
- don't tithe
- dispose of electronic waste the wrong way
- gossip about co-workers
- eat meat
- I dunno, all the other stuff that's frowned upon by someone somewhere

If your self-confidence is that much wrapped up in others, I do not envy your fragility.

I think it’s more about not wanting to be around a friend who makes you feel unhappy/anxious/sad/guilty , than it is about self-righteousness.

And not wanting to tolerate a person that can take a huge crap on their children's lives... Not wanting to listen to their drama, not wanting to be lied to. Not wanting to be associated with them.
The type of person willing to do this, comes along with all sorts of emotional garbage. Call me judgy, I couldn't care less. You're right I'm judging. It's a horrible thing to do.

[Anonymous]

So so common and so fking annoying as the friend. Not sure if it’s worse but I’ve also had two friends that in hindsight were definitely cheating and lied to me too about it. Who knows if they ever uttered the truth to anyone even to themselves.
I need a busy social life so I don’t necessarily cut these people out but they’re not the closest to me either. I’ve found myself twice in a situation where I know more than another friend does or some friends are in denial and then I stick my foot big time in my mouth because everyone around them has to keep this big giant secret too!
Cheaters are extremely self centered so for them to consider you their friend at all is pretty much out of the question.

[Anonymous]

Relationships are far more nuanced and multi-faceted than we seem to think on DCUM.

I have a girlfriend at work who was quite naive when she started working in our firm after taking a few years off for kids. I got to know her and convinced her to join my Zumba class at lunchtime. She had high cheekbones and a lovely figure, and was very sweet. Her husband was in the Army in some basic position, and stationed in our area for 3-4 years. But something just seemed a bit off.

Then I met her husband at the holiday party, and it clicked. They were high school sweethearts with two kids, ages 7 and 5. She had them after getting her Community College degree, so she was still under 30. He was just “meh” and clearly holding her back. Yet she had no idea of what could be.

I made her my project. First I had my AP (one of the senior partners) convince her that she needed to upgrade her wardrobe for this professional position, and that the firm would reimburse her as this was to the firm’s benefit. Then I took her shopping. We bought outfits, shoes and accessories that were versatile, to be worn in an edgy hip firm AND out on the town. Finally we got her a makeover, and arranged with a top-notch training program to get her regular styling and blowouts at a reduced rate.

Having shed her old boring clothes and her mousy appearances, she looked dynamite . She started getting high-end attention like never before.

Her husband got nervous as he knew what this would mean. I played on his insecurities and showed my friend how he just held her back. But she couldn’t make the break unless she KNEW she had a better offer.

And THAT’S why I encouraged her to cheat. She used cheating to gain the experience to reel in a big fish. And about six months later, she did. She met a gorgeous hedge fund manager, and he was just so blown away that he was even willing to accept the kids as part of the deal. After all, nannies and private school are pocket change to this guy.

That was seven years ago. She happily signed a prenup because even those terms guaranteed her a life far beyond what her miserable soldier husband could give. Then she took the kids and had her boyfriend pay off the guy to agree to a quickie divorce. They got married and are blissfully happy. The kids are doing great in their boarding schools, as both prepare the kids not just academically but emotionally and psychologically as well for a lifetime of success.

That’s why I don’t judge when people consider cheating. Most of the time cheating indicates unhappiness, a broken heart. Ultimately the heart wants what it wants, and everyone suffers until the heart is healed.

[Anonymous]

Distance yourself, or cut her off completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are far more nuanced and multi-faceted than we seem to think on DCUM.

I have a girlfriend at work who was quite naive when she started working in our firm after taking a few years off for kids. I got to know her and convinced her to join my Zumba class at lunchtime. She had high cheekbones and a lovely figure, and was very sweet. Her husband was in the Army in some basic position, and stationed in our area for 3-4 years. But something just seemed a bit off.

Then I met her husband at the holiday party, and it clicked. They were high school sweethearts with two kids, ages 7 and 5. She had them after getting her Community College degree, so she was still under 30. He was just “meh” and clearly holding her back. Yet she had no idea of what could be.

I made her my project. First I had my AP (one of the senior partners) convince her that she needed to upgrade her wardrobe for this professional position, and that the firm would reimburse her as this was to the firm’s benefit. Then I took her shopping. We bought outfits, shoes and accessories that were versatile, to be worn in an edgy hip firm AND out on the town. Finally we got her a makeover, and arranged with a top-notch training program to get her regular styling and blowouts at a reduced rate.

Having shed her old boring clothes and her mousy appearances, she looked dynamite . She started getting high-end attention like never before.

Her husband got nervous as he knew what this would mean. I played on his insecurities and showed my friend how he just held her back. But she couldn’t make the break unless she KNEW she had a better offer.

And THAT’S why I encouraged her to cheat. She used cheating to gain the experience to reel in a big fish. And about six months later, she did. She met a gorgeous hedge fund manager, and he was just so blown away that he was even willing to accept the kids as part of the deal. After all, nannies and private school are pocket change to this guy.

That was seven years ago. She happily signed a prenup because even those terms guaranteed her a life far beyond what her miserable soldier husband could give. Then she took the kids and had her boyfriend pay off the guy to agree to a quickie divorce. They got married and are blissfully happy. The kids are doing great in their boarding schools, as both prepare the kids not just academically but emotionally and psychologically as well for a lifetime of success.

That’s why I don’t judge when people consider cheating. Most of the time cheating indicates unhappiness, a broken heart. Ultimately the heart wants what it wants, and everyone suffers until the heart is healed.

Damn. That's some stone cold psychopathy.