When a friend tells you they're cheating on their spouse...

[Anonymous]

I had a non local friend having an affair and she just loved telling me about it. She needed someone to share her excitement and daily drama. I wasn't judgmental about the affair itself because her husband was an asshole and likely having one as well, but it was so annoying to be her go-to. I would dread her calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are far more nuanced and multi-faceted than we seem to think on DCUM.

I have a girlfriend at work who was quite naive when she started working in our firm after taking a few years off for kids. I got to know her and convinced her to join my Zumba class at lunchtime. She had high cheekbones and a lovely figure, and was very sweet. Her husband was in the Army in some basic position, and stationed in our area for 3-4 years. But something just seemed a bit off.

Then I met her husband at the holiday party, and it clicked. They were high school sweethearts with two kids, ages 7 and 5. She had them after getting her Community College degree, so she was still under 30. He was just “meh” and clearly holding her back. Yet she had no idea of what could be.

I made her my project. First I had my AP (one of the senior partners) convince her that she needed to upgrade her wardrobe for this professional position, and that the firm would reimburse her as this was to the firm’s benefit. Then I took her shopping. We bought outfits, shoes and accessories that were versatile, to be worn in an edgy hip firm AND out on the town. Finally we got her a makeover, and arranged with a top-notch training program to get her regular styling and blowouts at a reduced rate.

Having shed her old boring clothes and her mousy appearances, she looked dynamite . She started getting high-end attention like never before.

Her husband got nervous as he knew what this would mean. I played on his insecurities and showed my friend how he just held her back. But she couldn’t make the break unless she KNEW she had a better offer.

And THAT’S why I encouraged her to cheat. She used cheating to gain the experience to reel in a big fish. And about six months later, she did. She met a gorgeous hedge fund manager, and he was just so blown away that he was even willing to accept the kids as part of the deal. After all, nannies and private school are pocket change to this guy.

That was seven years ago. She happily signed a prenup because even those terms guaranteed her a life far beyond what her miserable soldier husband could give. Then she took the kids and had her boyfriend pay off the guy to agree to a quickie divorce. They got married and are blissfully happy. The kids are doing great in their boarding schools, as both prepare the kids not just academically but emotionally and psychologically as well for a lifetime of success.

That’s why I don’t judge when people consider cheating. Most of the time cheating indicates unhappiness, a broken heart. Ultimately the heart wants what it wants, and everyone suffers until the heart is healed.

Wow, what a great love story. Thanks for sharing. And when I say that I really mean I can't imagine being in a relationship with a cold-hearted, calculating ____ like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are far more nuanced and multi-faceted than we seem to think on DCUM.

I have a girlfriend at work who was quite naive when she started working in our firm after taking a few years off for kids. I got to know her and convinced her to join my Zumba class at lunchtime. She had high cheekbones and a lovely figure, and was very sweet. Her husband was in the Army in some basic position, and stationed in our area for 3-4 years. But something just seemed a bit off.

Then I met her husband at the holiday party, and it clicked. They were high school sweethearts with two kids, ages 7 and 5. She had them after getting her Community College degree, so she was still under 30. He was just “meh” and clearly holding her back. Yet she had no idea of what could be.

I made her my project. First I had my AP (one of the senior partners) convince her that she needed to upgrade her wardrobe for this professional position, and that the firm would reimburse her as this was to the firm’s benefit. Then I took her shopping. We bought outfits, shoes and accessories that were versatile, to be worn in an edgy hip firm AND out on the town. Finally we got her a makeover, and arranged with a top-notch training program to get her regular styling and blowouts at a reduced rate.

Having shed her old boring clothes and her mousy appearances, she looked dynamite . She started getting high-end attention like never before.

Her husband got nervous as he knew what this would mean. I played on his insecurities and showed my friend how he just held her back. But she couldn’t make the break unless she KNEW she had a better offer.

And THAT’S why I encouraged her to cheat. She used cheating to gain the experience to reel in a big fish. And about six months later, she did. She met a gorgeous hedge fund manager, and he was just so blown away that he was even willing to accept the kids as part of the deal. After all, nannies and private school are pocket change to this guy.

That was seven years ago. She happily signed a prenup because even those terms guaranteed her a life far beyond what her miserable soldier husband could give. Then she took the kids and had her boyfriend pay off the guy to agree to a quickie divorce. They got married and are blissfully happy. The kids are doing great in their boarding schools, as both prepare the kids not just academically but emotionally and psychologically as well for a lifetime of success.

That’s why I don’t judge when people consider cheating. Most of the time cheating indicates unhappiness, a broken heart. Ultimately the heart wants what it wants, and everyone suffers until the heart is healed.

Wow, what a great love story. Thanks for sharing. And when I say that I really mean I can't imagine being in a relationship with a cold-hearted, calculating ____ like you.

+1 ..... but the way they wrote the story seems like it’s fake or a practice screenplay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are far more nuanced and multi-faceted than we seem to think on DCUM.

I have a girlfriend at work who was quite naive when she started working in our firm after taking a few years off for kids. I got to know her and convinced her to join my Zumba class at lunchtime. She had high cheekbones and a lovely figure, and was very sweet. Her husband was in the Army in some basic position, and stationed in our area for 3-4 years. But something just seemed a bit off.

Then I met her husband at the holiday party, and it clicked. They were high school sweethearts with two kids, ages 7 and 5. She had them after getting her Community College degree, so she was still under 30. He was just “meh” and clearly holding her back. Yet she had no idea of what could be.

I made her my project. First I had my AP (one of the senior partners) convince her that she needed to upgrade her wardrobe for this professional position, and that the firm would reimburse her as this was to the firm’s benefit. Then I took her shopping. We bought outfits, shoes and accessories that were versatile, to be worn in an edgy hip firm AND out on the town. Finally we got her a makeover, and arranged with a top-notch training program to get her regular styling and blowouts at a reduced rate.

Having shed her old boring clothes and her mousy appearances, she looked dynamite . She started getting high-end attention like never before.

Her husband got nervous as he knew what this would mean. I played on his insecurities and showed my friend how he just held her back. But she couldn’t make the break unless she KNEW she had a better offer.

And THAT’S why I encouraged her to cheat. She used cheating to gain the experience to reel in a big fish. And about six months later, she did. She met a gorgeous hedge fund manager, and he was just so blown away that he was even willing to accept the kids as part of the deal. After all, nannies and private school are pocket change to this guy.

That was seven years ago. She happily signed a prenup because even those terms guaranteed her a life far beyond what her miserable soldier husband could give. Then she took the kids and had her boyfriend pay off the guy to agree to a quickie divorce. They got married and are blissfully happy. The kids are doing great in their boarding schools, as both prepare the kids not just academically but emotionally and psychologically as well for a lifetime of success.

That’s why I don’t judge when people consider cheating. Most of the time cheating indicates unhappiness, a broken heart. Ultimately the heart wants what it wants, and everyone suffers until the heart is healed.

Yeah, okay.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s a big mistake for anyone to put that secret on a friend. That’s what therapists are for. Certain things you can share with close friends but other topics should be off limits. My sense is someone would only tell a friends out of guilt. The secret is eating them alive. But it’s not a friend’s job to take on that guilt. Those with kids are told not to disclose ugly marital problems to their kids and other family members. Same with friends. Deal with it with your spouse or a therapist. In the age of Facebook people share their dirty laundry forgetting how badly it smells to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I made her my project. First I had my AP (one of the senior partners) convince her that she needed to upgrade her wardrobe for this professional position

Your AP? So were you having an affair as well?

Not judging at all. Just trying to see how this might have fit into your story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a big mistake for anyone to put that secret on a friend. That’s what therapists are for. Certain things you can share with close friends but other topics should be off limits. My sense is someone would only tell a friends out of guilt. The secret is eating them alive. But it’s not a friend’s job to take on that guilt. Those with kids are told not to disclose ugly marital problems to their kids and other family members. Same with friends. Deal with it with your spouse or a therapist. In the age of Facebook people share their dirty laundry forgetting how badly it smells to everyone else.

I don’t think it’s always out of guilt. They’re just narcissistic and dying to gush about it.

[Anonymous]

It honestly depends on your moral stance on the issue, and how close a friend she is.

At a minimum, in addition to encouraging her to end one relationship or the other/make a choice, I'd tell her you will not be her alibi, as that gets you into sticky situations if you know her husband. She should not tell him she's with you when she's really with her affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Female cheater here. 2 of my close friends know what's going on and they have never judged me. We agree that life is complicated, it is not realistic to expect all relationships will last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Relationships are far more nuanced and multi-faceted than we seem to think on DCUM.

I have a girlfriend at work who was quite naive when she started working in our firm after taking a few years off for kids. I got to know her and convinced her to join my Zumba class at lunchtime. She had high cheekbones and a lovely figure, and was very sweet. Her husband was in the Army in some basic position, and stationed in our area for 3-4 years. But something just seemed a bit off.

Then I met her husband at the holiday party, and it clicked. They were high school sweethearts with two kids, ages 7 and 5. She had them after getting her Community College degree, so she was still under 30. He was just “meh” and clearly holding her back. Yet she had no idea of what could be.

I made her my project. First I had my AP (one of the senior partners) convince her that she needed to upgrade her wardrobe for this professional position, and that the firm would reimburse her as this was to the firm’s benefit. Then I took her shopping. We bought outfits, shoes and accessories that were versatile, to be worn in an edgy hip firm AND out on the town. Finally we got her a makeover, and arranged with a top-notch training program to get her regular styling and blowouts at a reduced rate.

Having shed her old boring clothes and her mousy appearances, she looked dynamite . She started getting high-end attention like never before.

Her husband got nervous as he knew what this would mean. I played on his insecurities and showed my friend how he just held her back. But she couldn’t make the break unless she KNEW she had a better offer.

And THAT’S why I encouraged her to cheat. She used cheating to gain the experience to reel in a big fish. And about six months later, she did. She met a gorgeous hedge fund manager, and he was just so blown away that he was even willing to accept the kids as part of the deal. After all, nannies and private school are pocket change to this guy.

That was seven years ago. She happily signed a prenup because even those terms guaranteed her a life far beyond what her miserable soldier husband could give. Then she took the kids and had her boyfriend pay off the guy to agree to a quickie divorce. They got married and are blissfully happy. The kids are doing great in their boarding schools, as both prepare the kids not just academically but emotionally and psychologically as well for a lifetime of success.

That’s why I don’t judge when people consider cheating. Most of the time cheating indicates unhappiness, a broken heart. Ultimately the heart wants what it wants, and everyone suffers until the heart is healed.

Wow, what a great love story. Thanks for sharing. And when I say that I really mean I can't imagine being in a relationship with a cold-hearted, calculating ____ like you.

lol You know that whole bit about them being "blissfully happy, kids in boarding school" is crapola. If any of it's true the kids are probably miserable, the new guy knows he can't trust that cheater. The nitwit poster admitted she had a AP at the time, clearly a low life who was looking down on the "meh" husband, LOL. Well that is rich..

[Anonymous]

If you hang around bad people it makes a statement about yourself. Doesn't matter if they're embezzling money, Russian operatives, or cheating on their spouses. They will be far outside my circle.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't necessarily stop being friends--things can be complicated--but I would have to make clear that (1) I think it's wrong and I'm not going to be supportive, (2) I will not lie for them, (3) I don't want to spend time with them and their spouse together as long as they are cheating, and (4) I don't want to hear the details. If they are truly unhappy in their marriage, I'm more than willing to listen, sympathize, and support them in a decision to divorce or get couples therapy or whatever, but I'm not going to be in the middle of them cheating.

[Anonymous]

Please. I have a few friends who've had long term relationships outside their marriage. They are very discreet. I don't care. I have told a friend when her husband was cheating though. My loyalties are to her, not him.

[Anonymous]

I've stood by friends who are in relationships they should get out of, who aren't taking care of their health, screwing up at work, drinking too much, dating bad guys, struggling as parents, and so on. Sometimes when they're being jerks or immature. If the person is a friend, I can remain part of her support system without condoning and hopefully offer advice that will lead her somewhere better. Then if things go wrong, I can help.

I don't think cheating is different from other kinds of failings. It's not a friendship ender.

I couldn't stay friends with someone who was actively unkind or bigoted.

[Anonymous]

Man here, I usually ask to see a picture of the AP so I can feel jealous of my friend who is actually having hot sex again!