When a friend tells you they're cheating on their spouse...

[Anonymous]

I think you've got to be true to yourself OP. Tell her how you feel in the nicest way you can. And tell her that the cheater is harmed as much as the betrayed and you don't want to see her harmed through destructive choices.

[Anonymous]

You can’t really remain friends with her because in doing so, you’re giving credibility to her lies, and if you have integrity, that isn’t something you can live with. You can distance yourself a lot if that’s feasible. But if she continues to confide in you, you are enabling her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge anyone for what they do since they will face any consequences for their actions.

Most are judgey. I am not. My friend did it. I listened. I dud not judge. They have been married almost a decade now. We are still friends.

People really have no idea what is going on in others’ relationships. But if someone cheats, I think it should be over. But I keep my opinion to myself. I am there for good friends no matter what.,

This is a load of morally weak garbage. The reason you are not "judging" is because the immoral behavior does not affect you personally. If it did, that would be a different story. If your friend said, "hey, I am having an affair with your husband" would your reaction be "I will not judge you, I will just listen and be there for you as a friend"? HELL. NO. You would judge her harshly, as well as scream and rake her face with your fingernails.

If you had a shred of integrity you would tell someone they were doing wrong even if they were not wronging you.

[Anonymous]

Meh, I keep my distance and our relationship suffers or ends.
It's happened to me twice. The first time it was very painful as it was within a family. My friend was cheating with her BIL and broke up all the families. It was a devastating mess, especially for the children. I don't talk to her any more. I don't want to be around her and the BIL. I can't condone what they did.
The second time, I was hurt because my friend lied to me about it. She threw her husband under the bus and said he was cheating, when it was her. She played the victim. Our relationship hasn't been the same since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will usually give my opinion....

But then usually let my friend figure it all out on her own.
Because I do not judge anyone for what they do since they will face any consequences for their actions.

We all are adults here.

I'm like this. I've had friends who have affairs - it's not my business about what is going on in their relationship. But I do opine - about the likely impact on the kids and/or my friend being hurt. It hasn't happened but if such a friend complains about their quagmire, I would remind them it is of their own making. I'm a woman with both female and male friends who have had affairs.

[Anonymous]

I think it is somewhat situational.

If I know the guy and am friends with them as a couple I'm probably going to say they need to stop talking to me about it and that I won't lie if their DH asks.

If I know they have been in an unhappy relationship for years and I've never really known the guy at all then I'd be more willing to talk through it with them. But I would say they should divorce and move on. But I probably would feel way less in-the-middle and uncomfortable in a situation like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a female thing? Honest question, because I am a man, I have had many men confess an affair, the usual reaction is somewhere between " cool story" to "you are playing with fire.". Moral condemnation or cutting the friendship is never part of the equation

I wouldn’t end my friendship over it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can’t really remain friends with her because in doing so, you’re giving credibility to her lies, and if you have integrity, that isn’t something you can live with. You can distance yourself a lot if that’s feasible. But if she continues to confide in you, you are enabling her behavior.

You’re just a friend. You’re not responsible for other people’s behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t really remain friends with her because in doing so, you’re giving credibility to her lies, and if you have integrity, that isn’t something you can live with. You can distance yourself a lot if that’s feasible. But if she continues to confide in you, you are enabling her behavior.

You’re just a friend. You’re not responsible for other people’s behavior.

No, but you can hold people that you associate with to a standard of integrity, and choose to disassociate if they are scumbags.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t really remain friends with her because in doing so, you’re giving credibility to her lies, and if you have integrity, that isn’t something you can live with. You can distance yourself a lot if that’s feasible. But if she continues to confide in you, you are enabling her behavior.

You’re just a friend. You’re not responsible for other people’s behavior.

No, but you can hold people that you associate with to a standard of integrity, and choose to disassociate if they are scumbags.

Very judgy. You don't know what's going on in other people's marriage and have not idea until you walk a mile in their shoes. Marriage is a cultural creation, the norms and structure of which are different depending on where you live. If you've been married for a bit then you know there's no such thing as a "typical" marriage. Every single one is different and has its own strengths, weaknesses and issues. Your friend is confiding in you as a FRIEND. You don't need to condone their choices and you can even counsel them to alter their behavior/choices, but cutting them off or threatening them with disclosure seems to fly in the face of what being a friend is about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t really remain friends with her because in doing so, you’re giving credibility to her lies, and if you have integrity, that isn’t something you can live with. You can distance yourself a lot if that’s feasible. But if she continues to confide in you, you are enabling her behavior.

You’re just a friend. You’re not responsible for other people’s behavior.

No, but you can hold people that you associate with to a standard of integrity, and choose to disassociate if they are scumbags.

Agreed. I dumped a short term friend after I found out what kind of person she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can’t really remain friends with her because in doing so, you’re giving credibility to her lies, and if you have integrity, that isn’t something you can live with. You can distance yourself a lot if that’s feasible. But if she continues to confide in you, you are enabling her behavior.

You’re just a friend. You’re not responsible for other people’s behavior.

No, but you can hold people that you associate with to a standard of integrity, and choose to disassociate if they are scumbags.

If you don’t like them, then dump them.

Big if they’re your friend, I assume you like them!!! So why would you dump someone you like? I stick with my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not judge anyone for what they do since they will face any consequences for their actions.

Most are judgey. I am not. My friend did it. I listened. I dud not judge. They have been married almost a decade now. We are still friends.

People really have no idea what is going on in others’ relationships. But if someone cheats, I think it should be over. But I keep my opinion to myself. I am there for good friends no matter what.,

This is a load of morally weak garbage. The reason you are not "judging" is because the immoral behavior does not affect you personally. If it did, that would be a different story. If your friend said, "hey, I am having an affair with your husband" would your reaction be "I will not judge you, I will just listen and be there for you as a friend"? HELL. NO. You would judge her harshly, as well as scream and rake her face with your fingernails.

If you had a shred of integrity you would tell someone they were doing wrong even if they were not wronging you.

Actually, you are wrong. If someone was having an affair with my husband, I would not judge. I would just be done. Judgement is not worth my time. It would just be over. I would just leave.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people on this thread who feel very threatened by another person's actions. It's weird.

I hope you likewise choose to dump your friends whenever they act "without integrity," such as when they:

- buy Altria stock
- purchase food in styrofoam containers
- trap a rodent using a glue trap
- don't tithe
- dispose of electronic waste the wrong way
- gossip about co-workers
- eat meat
- I dunno, all the other stuff that's frowned upon by someone somewhere

If your self-confidence is that much wrapped up in others, I do not envy your fragility.

[Anonymous]

It's entirely up to you. I have been in this position and told my friend she couldn't use me as an alibi when making plans but I'd always listen to what she had to say.