Division of responsibility - mental work of running a house

[Anonymous]

Maybe you are like DH and I. He loves to read and can do it for hours and hours a day. I am restless and like to accomplish things. Generally that works out. He would have no problem doing dinner but it would be ordered in or frozen pizza. I like to try to new recipes and hate the expense of eating out. However there are days when I get a bit peeved seeing him hour after hour on the couch with a book. We are both furloughed right now so it is more evident than usual. I have been starting each day with. I plan to do x,y,z today. What is your plan? I add things to his list if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your husband does sound kind of lazy and like he doesn't pull his weight, BUT I feel kind of bad for him because he's probably a little bewildered from the shut down, especially if he's lost a paycheck already? In general it sounds like you should have a more even chore arrangement, and also yes he should've known that if he's off work he should go to the grocery store, or at least ask you if you want him to. But it seems a little harsh for you to expect him to just take over management of the house all of a sudden if that hasn't been your arrangement before, especially if he's going through weird emotions/uncertainty due to the shutdown.

He's an idiot if he can't come up with the idea of buying groceries on his own. He had the whole day to think about it! Did he never even open the fridge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mental work", like "emotional work", is bullshit.

Cool. So what do you do for a living? Physical labor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You do not have a right to his labor either physical or mental. Just because you are married does not mean he is required to do anything. You have expectations that he "should" be doing certain things. Those expectations are wrong. One marriage partner should not expect the other partner to perform any sort of unwanted activity. This include any activity from unwanted sex to unwanted cleaning to unwanted diaper changing or unwanted shopping or unwanted cooking.

When you realize this fact and adjust to it you will be much more happy in your marriage.

Sheesh, even Ayn Rand assumed more mutuality in marriages.

Actually, PP is wrong here. Marriage is a legal contract that includes rights regarding the spouse's property (for both spouses), which (in very general terms) is largely the product of the spouse's labor. And spousal neglect includes the failure to provide essentials, including food, to one's spouse. In my book, that includes dinner.

Does that extend to the sexless marriages on DCUMS? In other words, does a husband have a right to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mental work", like "emotional work", is bullshit.

Somehow I think a man would not handle it well if his wife asked him what was for dinner as soon as he got home from work after she had spent the day doing nothing at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mental work", like "emotional work", is bullshit.

So, if your boss calls a meeting to discuss a plan or a problem, it's bullshit? Or what if your doctor asks a lot of questions to figure out if your headache is a migraine or a brain tumor? Bullshit? What about sitting down and making an outline prior to writing a novel or teaching a class? Bullshit?
Mental work isn't bullshit. It is necessary to making everything else happen.

[Anonymous]

I think what you experience is very common. DH is the same when I am around and for things he is not usually responsible for. In my case, DH pays all the bills and files taxes for both. I take care of the house and the kids. We have a nanny and cleaners so I am not taking care of all the chores, but I am in charge of schools, schedules, activities, payments, nanny, etc.

It’s not a fair distribution since taxes are filed once a year and the payment of the bills is usually automatic, but those are things that I don’t know anything about, never hear anything about, etc.

For everything else, I have to tell my DH how to help. If he happens to be at home with the kids at lunch on weekends, I have to tell them what to cook, what clothes to change (even where the clothes are!), naps, everything... he helps, but I have to tell him EVERYTHING!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mental work", like "emotional work", is bullshit.

Are you a robot of some kind? You do understand mental work involves planning ahead for different scenarios... so... Do you not think? Nevermind, I know the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy. I’m a fed (wife) and the shutdown has meant that every single day we create an ambitious list like “clean out storage area”
and “update budget for 2019.”
Your DH is getting off too easy!
Basically everyone I know who is furloughed is tackling major household projects. And mixing in some fun too of course.

Yeah there is going to be an entire fleet of furlough babies come September.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mental work", like "emotional work", is bullshit.

I disagree, but at any rate he’s not doing physical work either. If you do neither physical work nor thinking, you get no dinner. Lumps don’t eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a weekly marriage meeting. Stephen Covey talks about it in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. But there are tons of blog articles on how to have a marriage meeting. We have a marriage meeting on Saturday nights. We have a sitter, and we go out. The first hour of our date night we get some drinks, bring planners, and talk about tasks that need to be done the upcoming week. I still do the bulk of everything, but at least DH knows what I am doing, and I know what he is doing, and we share the "mental load."
Also, that mental load isn't that bad if you have everything written in a to do list for yourself and pull it out when you have time, rather than trying to run through everything you need to do over and over again.

+1

My DH is restless and always in motion while I am more likely to read in my downtime. We talk about what needs to get done that week. We don’t have a date night out or a set time. Typically we watch a 1/2 hour show that we both like (often HGTV) and talk about that. Then we will go into what needs to be done for the week as much because with our kids activities we have to plan it out. I am forgetful so anything critical that isn’t already in my calendar I use the reminder app on the phone and type it in right then. We each end up taking on the things that are more in our wheelhouse and we don’t micromanage the other person’s tasks. The bigger daily things like dinner, dishes, morning drop off and afternoon pickup are somewhat dictated by work schedules. There is also a fine line where you accept that the other person isn’t you but you do expect them to complete what they say they would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We just pay someone to do the domestic chores...shopping/cooking, errands. DH understands the value of these tasks because now they cost him $$.

+1, every time DH shrinks a piece of my work clothing, I replace it and show him the $100 bill.

Are you my lost twin? I even tape a receipt for cashmere sweater replacement above the washer in the laundry room (paid with his credit card). Of course I don't tell him that the one that he shrunk was purchased on sale, and the one that he ended up paying for was purchased at full price.