Division of responsibility - mental work of running a house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion: do NOT have kids with this man until he shapes up.

He's never going to be the domestic partner you deserve, but with marriage counseling and a good chore chart, you may at least be able to get a more fair division of labor. But you're going to have to stand up for yourself.

+ 1 million. I have a DH just like OP's and having a kid nearly ended us. Counseling and a chore chart both helped but if I wanted more kids I should have married someone else. I love him but he's not a responsible adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yesterday I was out of the house from 7 AM-8 PM for work and a couple errands and when I got home he asked about dinner. I looked in the fridge, which was basically empty, and suggested that he could have gone to the grocery store sometime during the week. He sheepishly agreed and went

Cook and shop only for yourself. Mention that if he wants meals together he'll have to shop and do his share to prepare. Better yet, eat out --- meaning you eat out before you come home. See if that starts resonating with him.

I sort of did this at the beginning of my marriage and DH got the picture.

[Anonymous]

I took a very, very hard line with DH when we first moved in together. He totally came around to the idea that each person should have specific, recurring chores and should do them without fail. It's not "bean counting", it's setting up a household that runs smoothly and efficiently. I hate the "you make dinner, no you make dinner" push and pull. It's much easier for everyone if these things are set in advance.

OP, ask your husband what chores he is willing to do on a recurring basis. Start from there.

If he says that he can't do chores because he never saw his father do chores, ask how he manages to have sex.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have kids? If you don't - think for a very long time before you agree to co-parent with someone like this.

Next week, call him one afternoon and ask him what's for dinner?

But, you need to have a larger conversation with him about expectations around meals, household tasks, etc. And be prepared to let some tasks drop completely until he figures out that he needs to step up and take them over.

I had to do this with the yard. I was calling the lawn guy, arranging leaf pick-up, etc. Then I stopped and sent DH the lawn guy's contact info. He actually found the rake, and makes the calls - plus, gets cash for lawn guy because that's what he prefers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not have a right to his labor either physical or mental. Just because you are married does not mean he is required to do anything. You have expectations that he "should" be doing certain things. Those expectations are wrong. One marriage partner should not expect the other partner to perform any sort of unwanted activity. This include any activity from unwanted sex to unwanted cleaning to unwanted diaper changing or unwanted shopping or unwanted cooking.

When you realize this fact and adjust to it you will be much more happy in your marriage.

Sheesh, even Ayn Rand assumed more mutuality in marriages.

Actually, PP is wrong here. Marriage is a legal contract that includes rights regarding the spouse's property (for both spouses), which (in very general terms) is largely the product of the spouse's labor. And spousal neglect includes the failure to provide essentials, including food, to one's spouse. In my book, that includes dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We just pay someone to do the domestic chores...shopping/cooking, errands. DH understands the value of these tasks because now they cost him $$.

+1, every time DH shrinks a piece of my work clothing, I replace it and show him the $100 bill.

[Anonymous]

OP, how are his skills at, say, planning, shopping for, and cooking, a meal? I mean, if he had gone shopping would he have come back with a weird selection of Hot Pockets, a dozen jalapenos, and ice cream bars?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yesterday I was out of the house from 7 AM-8 PM for work and a couple errands and when I got home he asked about dinner. I looked in the fridge, which was basically empty, and suggested that he could have gone to the grocery store sometime during the week. He sheepishly agreed and went

Cook and shop only for yourself. Mention that if he wants meals together he'll have to shop and do his share to prepare. Better yet, eat out --- meaning you eat out before you come home. See if that starts resonating with him.

Great idea. When he asks what's for dinner, you say you already ate.

[Anonymous]

How is it that you people didn't figure out you weren't in a relationship with a responsible, full partner when you were DATING or ENGAGED?

Did he magically change overnight from responsible to irresponsible?

If not...why are you expecting him to magically change from irresponsible to responsible now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it that you people didn't figure out you weren't in a relationship with a responsible, full partner when you were DATING or ENGAGED?

Did he magically change overnight from responsible to irresponsible?

If not...why are you expecting him to magically change from irresponsible to responsible now?

Because she's mentally shifting from trying to get him to marry her, to figuring out how to operate a household with children in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it that you people didn't figure out you weren't in a relationship with a responsible, full partner when you were DATING or ENGAGED?

Did he magically change overnight from responsible to irresponsible?

If not...why are you expecting him to magically change from irresponsible to responsible now?

Because she's mentally shifting from trying to get him to marry her, to figuring out how to operate a household with children in it.

Foolish and short-sighted.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. I’m a fed (wife) and the shutdown has meant that every single day we create an ambitious list like “clean out storage area”
and “update budget for 2019.”
Your DH is getting off too easy!
Basically everyone I know who is furloughed is tackling major household projects. And mixing in some fun too of course.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like your, and FIL is also just like yours. It didn’t bother me so much till we had kids. Now I just physically cannot do it all. I basically assign work to him, but it has to be straightforward and not unpleasant. Like he will go to the grocery store if I send him a list but will never clean a toilet. Sigh, no real answers here.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband does sound kind of lazy and like he doesn't pull his weight, BUT I feel kind of bad for him because he's probably a little bewildered from the shut down, especially if he's lost a paycheck already? In general it sounds like you should have a more even chore arrangement, and also yes he should've known that if he's off work he should go to the grocery store, or at least ask you if you want him to. But it seems a little harsh for you to expect him to just take over management of the house all of a sudden if that hasn't been your arrangement before, especially if he's going through weird emotions/uncertainty due to the shutdown.

[Anonymous]

"Mental work", like "emotional work", is bullshit.