How to make it register how much you provide

[Anonymous]

She has a job and earns her own spending money.

[Anonymous]

OP, what exactly is it that you want her to "get"? Is it that one day she'll need to work to cover these expenses? Or just to show a bit of gratitude? I'd focus on the outcome you'd like to get rather than some vague notion that she should just think the way you do.

If you're concerned that she won't be able to support her future lifestyle, then I agree with having her work for anything beyond a fixed set of basics (whatever you deem them to be). If it's about valuing money in the same way you do, then you should talk about the idea of how much something is worth, regardless of whether you can afford it (I'm guessing you are in the upper echelons of UMC and can afford most things). You should demonstrate making spending decisions based on whether the cost is reasonable...not whether you have enough money to pay for it. If it's about gratitude, well she's an adult and just tell her how you're feeling (but own your feelings instead of making it about her being ungrateful or selfish). If she's not a terrible human, she'll thank you.

FWIW, I grew up in the upper echelons of UMC going to private school all my life and having my parents fully fund HYPS undergrad. For as far back as I can remember, my parents always talked about whether things were worth the cost rather than what they could afford (though I'm sure that before my dad's practice took off there were things they didn't buy just because they couldn't afford them). They didn't require me to work for fun spending money in high school or college since they wanted me to focus on school...but they did give me fixed amounts of money for any "extras" (e.g. occasional dinners or movies out, clothes, etc), and I would never think to ask for more. I did have a job in college which I used for things like paying for a backpacking trip to Europe.

Even though there were wealthier kids than me in college, I knew I was very privileged and did my best not to take it for granted. After finishing school, I've always lived within my means (even when that meant long stretches of beans and rice). I've never asked for financial help since finishing school, though I have accepted upgrades to what I could afford on my own...and I do my best to show my appreciation since I know it's a gift, not an obligation from my parents. My point is, that you can teach your kids the value of money and the value of what you provide in many ways. It all comes down to what you want to teach, though.

[Anonymous]

It wasn't until I started working at Marshalls on the weekends when I was 15 that it registered for me.

Working only weekends didn't earn me much & after having taxes taken out it became much less.

So when I would want to buy something (usually frivolous) my mom would say to me "How many hours would you need to work to pay for that?" & after doing the calculations in my head, 9 times out of 10 I'd put the item back as it wasn't worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just occasionally mention I could have a new swimming pool every year if we didn’t pay for her college. Instead, our pool just looks forlorn waiting to be refurbished after she graduates. She may not understand how much we provide, but I’m pretty sure she knows an entire pool is a lot of money, lay alone four of them.

You are ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Did she have to get the tire replacement taken care of herself?

My parents covered all my expenses in college but I would have been the one taking the car into the shop, and therefore the cost and the cost of my time had more value to me even though it wasn't my money paying for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t pay my tuition or anything else. By happenstance all my college and later law school friends had their colleges paid for and we’re rather bratty.

Let me tell you nothing in my life is any better due to the struggle. And actually statistics bare that out. Advantages are just plain advantages.

DP. Interesting. I both envy not having had advantages, yet also think I more quickly adapted to work post-college and have had fewer disappointments in life. Most of my friends who have struggled as adults never really struggled as kids. Alas, we are quite comfortable and I think my kids are kinda soft, even if we are far, far less indulgent with them as our friends are with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t pay my tuition or anything else. By happenstance all my college and later law school friends had their colleges paid for and we’re rather bratty.

Let me tell you nothing in my life is any better due to the struggle. And actually statistics bare that out. Advantages are just plain advantages.

DP. Interesting. I both envy not having had advantages, yet also think I more quickly adapted to work post-college and have had fewer disappointments in life. Most of my friends who have struggled as adults never really struggled as kids. Alas, we are quite comfortable and I think my kids are kinda soft, even if we are far, far less indulgent with them as our friends are with their kids.

x10000

So many priceless intangibles by getting things yourself. I have grown friends who still buy too-expensive items (luxury cars?!) and their parents have to help them out. Embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t pay my tuition or anything else. By happenstance all my college and later law school friends had their colleges paid for and we’re rather bratty.

Let me tell you nothing in my life is any better due to the struggle. And actually statistics bare that out. Advantages are just plain advantages.

DP. Interesting. I both envy not having had advantages, yet also think I more quickly adapted to work post-college and have had fewer disappointments in life. Most of my friends who have struggled as adults never really struggled as kids. Alas, we are quite comfortable and I think my kids are kinda soft, even if we are far, far less indulgent with them as our friends are with their kids.

x10000

So many priceless intangibles by getting things yourself. I have grown friends who still buy too-expensive items (luxury cars?!) and their parents have to help them out. Embarrassing.

That poster is actually saying that they HAD ADVANTAGES and they envy those who did it on their own, but that because of their advantages, they more quickly adapted to work post-college and have had fewer disappointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t pay my tuition or anything else. By happenstance all my college and later law school friends had their colleges paid for and we’re rather bratty.

Let me tell you nothing in my life is any better due to the struggle. And actually statistics bare that out. Advantages are just plain advantages.

Eh, there is a difference between romanticiIng struggles and not knowing what a basic budget is bc you haven't earned money or never had to pay for anything that wasn't 100 % a fun money purchase.

I hope my kids won't ever have a student loan. I also will make them pay gas etc.

My parents kind of hid our money struggles from us and I wish they had not, it made it something I had unnecessary anxiety and embarrassment about and totally stunted my sense of Hussle as a college kid. Bc it wasn't cool to talk about it to my parents I had no idea where the level was at and I just was financially not as literate as I should have been. Which is odd bc my mom was always stressing saving and being part of credit so she knew that it was important to learn early.

[Anonymous]

Good topic.

From a young age we have emphasized volunteering in lower income areas (so they understand their privileges) and they have all had part-time jobs in the summers, but I *still* think they don't get it. Private school alone is $30K per year, what does $30,000 mean to a kid? They don't get it. What does $60,000 per year for private college mean to a teen? These are just huge numbers nobody young that makes peanuts can comprehend. I don't think it's possible to 'get it' until you have a real full-time job.

[Anonymous]

If you are reasonably well off, and your kid has basically always been given pretty much whatever she wanted and needed, and is used to a relatively high standard of living, it's harder for her to understand, because it's just her normal baseline. I agree that you need to think about what you want her to "get"--do you want gratitude? Do you want an appreciation of the work necessary to provide those things? Do you want her to understand budgets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just occasionally mention I could have a new swimming pool every year if we didn’t pay for her college. Instead, our pool just looks forlorn waiting to be refurbished after she graduates. She may not understand how much we provide, but I’m pretty sure she knows an entire pool is a lot of money, lay alone four of them.

This is a sign of parental resentment and not teaching a lesson. Are you purposefully trying to instill guilt?

[Anonymous]

This is an odd thing to be focused on. Maybe this is more for the benefit of your own concerns than your daughter learning financial literacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wasn't until I started working at Marshalls on the weekends when I was 15 that it registered for me.

Working only weekends didn't earn me much & after having taxes taken out it became much less.

So when I would want to buy something (usually frivolous) my mom would say to me "How many hours would you need to work to pay for that?" & after doing the calculations in my head, 9 times out of 10 I'd put the item back as it wasn't worth it.

My parents did the same exact thing!
I still do it when making purchases that I'm unsure of & like you said, I usually decide against it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids had jobs. You make them spend their own money.

Even when they are too young to have jobs, you make them track the money they have and spend and save, let them spend whatever money comes their way ($5 in birthday card from Grandma). They get excited that they can do the math to figure our how many Pokemon cards they can buy, they they stand and stare at the cashier in bewilderment, when her math doesn't add up to the same amount. What is "tax'? Next time they want to buy something that they can't afford, have them go back to the notebook and see what they frivilously spent money on that is preventing them from having enough for this thing they think they really want now.

It doesn't take much to instill a sense of money and value very young.