Our nanny backed out of weekend care. Now what?

[Anonymous]

You really thought your nanny would be happy doing her job with grandma around?? Really? It makes it much more difficult for her to do her job. She has to tip toe around her, it will mess up the dynamic of who is in charge, she will have to consult your mom about meals and deal with the kids bad Behavior from expecting grandma to do what they want. So many reasons this was a bad idea.

Definitely cancel your mom! If your nanny didn’t think she could handle it, she wouldn’t have agreed. I am a SAHM with kids roughly rose ages and of course I would sometimes benefit from an extra set of hands, but I really can manage just fine on my own. So can your nanny.

[Anonymous]

No, you undermined your nanny. No nanny would ever think having grandma there is a) less work(most certainly it will be more work for the nanny, b) that you are helping her. Checking out on her, yes. You keep imagining that nanny is incompetent? Why? Are you constantly incompetent with your own kids?

[Anonymous]

You know what's going on here, right?

Your nanny was looking for a reason, any reason, to back out.

So don't apologize. She should not be offended. Your mother has every right to be.

Sorry about the mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you undermined your nanny. No nanny would ever think having grandma there is a) less work(most certainly it will be more work for the nanny, b) that you are helping her. Checking out on her, yes. You keep imagining that nanny is incompetent? Why? Are you constantly incompetent with your own kids?

She said when one of them is out of town they always require backup help, so yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You know what's going on here, right?

Your nanny was looking for a reason, any reason, to back out.

So don't apologize. She should not be offended. Your mother has every right to be.

Sorry about the mess.

100%

[Anonymous]

I think its really pathetic, OP, that you and DH can't handle your own children solo when the other goes out of town. Its 3 kids, not a dozen. Wow, that is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP.

I definitely didn’t mean to offend or upset my nanny. I trust her abilities and she’s been alone with all three many times and does well. I just had last minute jitters and feel more comfortable leaving my kids with two sets of hands instead of one. I sincerely thought nanny would be grateful for the help. Her pay stays the same but less work.

My kids are young. 7mo, 2.5 and 6. They’re a handful and I kept imagining scenerios where nanny would need help and quick. I agree, I should have consulted her first. That being said, I think in any job you have to be fairly flexible and know things aren’t always going to go your way. I guess I’m just disappointed in our nannies reaction. Very unexpected.

Also my mother is able bodied and sound of mind. She just gets overwhelmed with all three. My mother being present definitely doesn’t add to any duties the nanny has, just relieved her of many.

You really need to own this. You almost certainly offended your nanny by communicating that you did not think she could handle the kids--you had jitters and kept imagining scenarios in which she would need help. Just because you can't take care of your kids on your own doesn't mean that your nanny can't.

You also assumed that your mom being there is less work, but that's not necessarily true. Having a grandparent there can make things more complicated. The kids might not behave as well, they'll have to constantly negotiate who is responsible for what, etc. Plus, she might feel like she won't really have any privacy or down time because your mom will be there. You really should have asked her first, because having someone else in the house the whole time she's caring for the kids is a big change in the working conditions.

If you don't want to cancel your mom's ticket, then you tell the nanny no hard feelings (and mean it) and try to find some babysitters, mother's helpers, college students, etc., who can help out during the day.

[Anonymous]

Talk to the nanny about her concerns. Maybe you can work something out. Grandma will take each child individually to an activity our of the house each day so the nanny will not feel like she is entertaining Grandma. Grandma will handle bed time 1 night so Nanny gets a night off. Something like that..whatever arrangement works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP.

I definitely didn’t mean to offend or upset my nanny. I trust her abilities and she’s been alone with all three many times and does well. I just had last minute jitters and feel more comfortable leaving my kids with two sets of hands instead of one. I sincerely thought nanny would be grateful for the help. Her pay stays the same but less work.

My kids are young. 7mo, 2.5 and 6. They’re a handful and I kept imagining scenerios where nanny would need help and quick. I agree, I should have consulted her first. That being said, I think in any job you have to be fairly flexible and know things aren’t always going to go your way. I guess I’m just disappointed in our nannies reaction. Very unexpected.

Also my mother is able bodied and sound of mind. She just gets overwhelmed with all three. My mother being present definitely doesn’t add to any duties the nanny has, just relieved her of many.

OP, you did make a bad, rude mistake.

While it may seem like you provided help, you did so without consulting with the nanny. The help you sprung on her unannounced was not requested and is not the type of help that the nanny would appreciate. In many cases, adding your mother increases the work that she has to do. Yes, she has help with the childcare, but she has to accommodate an additional person to feed and she will have to deal with the dynamic of having another responsible person in the house. First, it undermines her authority, as the children have another person to talk to, ask questions and permission from and she has to defer to the grandmother, who is a family member. The children may be more rambunctious with grandma around and may not listen as well. The children may question her more and she can't make the decisions that she would if she were alone as she is more than accustomed to being. Plus it feels like you don't trust her and that is unsettling as well. If you trusted her, you wouldn't have gotten another person involved in the childcare situation, so you have clearly shown that you don't trust her and who wants to work in that situation. In addition to not trusting her, you've placed a watchdog over her to watch and who may report back about her to you.

Frankly, if I were your nanny, I would consider it more work adding your mother, . I would expect you to raise the rate for adding another person to be responsible for and to have to negotiate with over the weekend.

You have two choices, one if you don't want to cancel your mother's trip, then you should offer nanny a raise. I would say at least 25% of what you originally offered. You're asking a lot of her to add your mother in and you need to make a good faith gesture that you understand that you are imposing on her by changing the conditions of the job.

Instead, I would reschedule your mother's visit to a time when you will be home. Even non-refundable tickets can normally be changed to another time for a rescheduling penalty. If you can't, then you should reimburse your mother for the cost of the tickets saying you made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You know what's going on here, right?

Your nanny was looking for a reason, any reason, to back out.

So don't apologize. She should not be offended. Your mother has every right to be.

Sorry about the mess.

Well maybe OP's "offended" mother can watch all the kids for OP if nanny quits. If I were OP's nanny I'd consider looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why OP kept having kids if they’re so bad that nobody can care for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You know what's going on here, right?

Your nanny was looking for a reason, any reason, to back out.

So don't apologize. She should not be offended. Your mother has every right to be.

Sorry about the mess.

Well maybe OP's "offended" mother can watch all the kids for OP if nanny quits. If I were OP's nanny I'd consider looking for a new job.

I expect that is precisely what she'll do during her unexpectedly free weekend.

[Anonymous]

How on earth could adding your mother in to the mix make life "easier" for your nanny? No, nope, hell nah. That completely changes the dynamic and adds way more stress.
Would you, OP, enjoy spending the whole weekend with your small children and a random, infirm old lady?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its really pathetic, OP, that you and DH can't handle your own children solo when the other goes out of town. Its 3 kids, not a dozen. Wow, that is sad.

Agree, but have seen this dynamic frequently with families with two Big Job parents and a nanny. They never got used to caring for their kids solo and so it is seen as an impossibly daunting task. So common for nannies to get called in on the weekend to help when one parent has to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why OP kept having kids if they’re so bad that nobody can care for them.

Kids are fine b/c they've been raised by a sensible-sounding nanny. OP and her DH are disasters.

Are you really going out of town together the weekend before Christmas? Seems like you should spend more time with your kids.