Our nanny backed out of weekend care. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its really pathetic, OP, that you and DH can't handle your own children solo when the other goes out of town. Its 3 kids, not a dozen. Wow, that is sad.

DP here. I have 3 and if one of us goes out of town, we usually get some help. May be excuse for MIL to visit to “help” DH. When DH travels, I get a few hours so I can take kids to activities. Can I handle on my own? Of course but we can afford the help so I take it.

OP, we asked our nanny to help grandparents when we traveled solo and had only 2 kids then. Grandparents were home solo at night but nanny came during the day.

We have 3 now and have yet to go away together without kids. We have both gone away solo and do mostly family vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why OP kept having kids if they’re so bad that nobody can care for them.

Kids are fine b/c they've been raised by a sensible-sounding nanny. OP and her DH are disasters.

Are you really going out of town together the weekend before Christmas? Seems like you should spend more time with your kids.

So true.

My good friend and his sister had two big-job parents (New York City, dad in finance, mom a biglaw partner at one of the top few firms) who were scared by the thought of parenting him alone. Since one was always traveling or busy with work, he was pretty much always with the nanny. I don't think was a particularly bad kid, either.


Funny thing is, as an adult, on holidays, he'd go to his nanny's house for Christmas because he associated holidays with spending time with her, not his parents. For him, "home for the holidays" was spending time with former nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its really pathetic, OP, that you and DH can't handle your own children solo when the other goes out of town. Its 3 kids, not a dozen. Wow, that is sad.

I have 3 kids and my husband is gone M-F every week. I often get help. How else could I leave the house or have a hobby or see friends during the week? Often the day I have a babysitter come is the only time all week that I speak to an adult. My kids go to sleep at 7pm and I'm alone by myself M-F, it's very isolating. Some of us have helpers so we can leave the house, not just because we can't handle 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You know what's going on here, right?

Your nanny was looking for a reason, any reason, to back out.

So don't apologize. She should not be offended. Your mother has every right to be.

Sorry about the mess.

+1

Pretty weird of nanny to get so offended when family comes in. I would start looking for a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize to nanny and tell her you cannot cancel the trip, but you can cancel your mother. Ask if this is acceptable and emphasize no hard feelings as it was your mistake.

Tell your mother your nanny is threatening to quit and you can’t afford to lose the care. Emphasize this was your mistake and rebook her for another special weekend.

Where did OP say she was threatening to quit? You people are something else. She was trying to be helpful - presumably her kids are in school most of the day when the nanny's on duty and this is 3 full days and nights. WTF?

NP. All I can say is that if DH invited his mother here to help me take care of the kids while he traveled without discussing it with me first there would be hell to pay.

Also, the fact that OP didn't discuss it with the nanny first is very telling.

Hold up.

There is a massive difference between not consulting your wife and not consulting your nanny. Your spouse is an equal. You make decisions together. Your nanny is an employee hired to do a job. You don’t consult them in regards to your children, family and Home. They are hired to do a job, and if they aren’t willing to do it. Find someone else.

Ha ha! That’s exactly what happened except the nanny said”nope. Find someone else”. OP did not consult the nanny and now the nanny quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP.

I definitely didn’t mean to offend or upset my nanny. I trust her abilities and she’s been alone with all three many times and does well. I just had last minute jitters and feel more comfortable leaving my kids with two sets of hands instead of one. I sincerely thought nanny would be grateful for the help. Her pay stays the same but less work.

My kids are young. 7mo, 2.5 and 6. They’re a handful and I kept imagining scenerios where nanny would need help and quick. I agree, I should have consulted her first. That being said, I think in any job you have to be fairly flexible and know things aren’t always going to go your way. I guess I’m just disappointed in our nannies reaction. Very unexpected.

Also my mother is able bodied and sound of mind. She just gets overwhelmed with all three. My mother being present definitely doesn’t add to any duties the nanny has, just relieved her of many.

OP, you did make a bad, rude mistake.

While it may seem like you provided help, you did so without consulting with the nanny. The help you sprung on her unannounced was not requested and is not the type of help that the nanny would appreciate. In many cases, adding your mother increases the work that she has to do. Yes, she has help with the childcare, but she has to accommodate an additional person to feed and she will have to deal with the dynamic of having another responsible person in the house. First, it undermines her authority, as the children have another person to talk to, ask questions and permission from and she has to defer to the grandmother, who is a family member. The children may be more rambunctious with grandma around and may not listen as well. The children may question her more and she can't make the decisions that she would if she were alone as she is more than accustomed to being. Plus it feels like you don't trust her and that is unsettling as well. If you trusted her, you wouldn't have gotten another person involved in the childcare situation, so you have clearly shown that you don't trust her and who wants to work in that situation. In addition to not trusting her, you've placed a watchdog over her to watch and who may report back about her to you.

Frankly, if I were your nanny, I would consider it more work adding your mother, . I would expect you to raise the rate for adding another person to be responsible for and to have to negotiate with over the weekend.

You have two choices, one if you don't want to cancel your mother's trip, then you should offer nanny a raise. I would say at least 25% of what you originally offered. You're asking a lot of her to add your mother in and you need to make a good faith gesture that you understand that you are imposing on her by changing the conditions of the job.

Instead, I would reschedule your mother's visit to a time when you will be home. Even non-refundable tickets can normally be changed to another time for a rescheduling penalty. If you can't, then you should reimburse your mother for the cost of the tickets saying you made a mistake.

This.

You could have offered to the nanny - "would you like me to line up someone to give you a break each day, or to stay overnight with you so you're not alone? what will make the weekend go more smoothly for you?"

And she likely would have said "NOTHING, I've got this"

Now you've offended her and are blaming her for your mother being offended.

What all was in the LONG email she sent you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its really pathetic, OP, that you and DH can't handle your own children solo when the other goes out of town. Its 3 kids, not a dozen. Wow, that is sad.

I have 3 kids and my husband is gone M-F every week. I often get help. How else could I leave the house or have a hobby or see friends during the week? Often the day I have a babysitter come is the only time all week that I speak to an adult. My kids go to sleep at 7pm and I'm alone by myself M-F, it's very isolating. Some of us have helpers so we can leave the house, not just because we can't handle 3 kids.

Your situation is completely different from two parents spending 4o-50 hours a week at work, traveling for business, etc.

[Anonymous]

What was in the nanny's email, op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You know what's going on here, right?

Your nanny was looking for a reason, any reason, to back out.

So don't apologize. She should not be offended. Your mother has every right to be.

Sorry about the mess.

+1

Pretty weird of nanny to get so offended when family comes in. I would start looking for a new nanny.

I doubt it’s offended”. Grandparents are generally hard to work with as a nanny. If the nanny knows this grandmother, her response makes perfect sense. Some grandmothers treat the nanny like their own personal maid or give the kids treats and the nanny has to deal with the fall out (poor behavior and crying jags).

I am a nanny and have worked with two amazing grandmothers who were a huge help. However my current employers have mothers I cannot stand to be in the same room with for two hours. My employer has left the children with me alone many times and knows the grandmothers would be a huge hinderance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its really pathetic, OP, that you and DH can't handle your own children solo when the other goes out of town. Its 3 kids, not a dozen. Wow, that is sad.

I have 3 kids and my husband is gone M-F every week. I often get help. How else could I leave the house or have a hobby or see friends during the week? Often the day I have a babysitter come is the only time all week that I speak to an adult. My kids go to sleep at 7pm and I'm alone by myself M-F, it's very isolating. Some of us have helpers so we can leave the house, not just because we can't handle 3 kids.

Don't people think about these things before having kids?

Yes... and that's why nannies and babysitters were invented! Do you never leave the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think its really pathetic, OP, that you and DH can't handle your own children solo when the other goes out of town. Its 3 kids, not a dozen. Wow, that is sad.

I have 3 kids and my husband is gone M-F every week. I often get help. How else could I leave the house or have a hobby or see friends during the week? Often the day I have a babysitter come is the only time all week that I speak to an adult. My kids go to sleep at 7pm and I'm alone by myself M-F, it's very isolating. Some of us have helpers so we can leave the house, not just because we can't handle 3 kids.

Don't people think about these things before having kids?

Sure they do. And they think, I'll hire a sitter when I need to. Which she then did.

[Anonymous]

NP. You were rude. No way would I want some mother or mother in law type hanging around while I'm trying to handle 3 young kids by myself.

And you just have to read DCUM for 5 minutes to understand that what some people consider "oh, she'll be no extra work at all!", others consider "OMG she's an absolute nightmare!" With your plan, your nanny would need to have properly cooked meals all the time, she can't poop with the bathroom door open, etc. All downsides and no upsides for the nanny. Basically she'll still be 100% responsible for any and all things that could go wrong (as you admitted, i.e. "the nanny is the one in charge") but has no privacy to do those things, has no actual authority since what nanny is seriously going to challenge the mom of her boss, she has to work around another person she is forced to be polite to who may or may not be actually creating extra work for her, and she has to have agreement with someone about every single decision because the kids would walk all over her and if nanny told the kids something and then grandma said they could do it anyway. It would even affect the way the kids saw her (lower authority) on later occasions when the grandma isn't even there anymore but the nanny is caring for the kids herself.

Just a terrible idea. And really disrespectful to the nanny. And insulting. Get a nanny cam if you're that worried, don't put an old woman there to annoy her constantly, judge everything she does (and report back to you, no doubt) and micromanage or even undermine her in front of the kids.

[Anonymous]

This thread is beyond weird. It must be full of nannies or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. You were rude. No way would I want some mother or mother in law type hanging around while I'm trying to handle 3 young kids by myself.

And you just have to read DCUM for 5 minutes to understand that what some people consider "oh, she'll be no extra work at all!", others consider "OMG she's an absolute nightmare!" With your plan, your nanny would need to have properly cooked meals all the time, she can't poop with the bathroom door open, etc. All downsides and no upsides for the nanny. Basically she'll still be 100% responsible for any and all things that could go wrong (as you admitted, i.e. "the nanny is the one in charge") but has no privacy to do those things, has no actual authority since what nanny is seriously going to challenge the mom of her boss, she has to work around another person she is forced to be polite to who may or may not be actually creating extra work for her, and she has to have agreement with someone about every single decision because the kids would walk all over her and if nanny told the kids something and then grandma said they could do it anyway. It would even affect the way the kids saw her (lower authority) on later occasions when the grandma isn't even there anymore but the nanny is caring for the kids herself.

Just a terrible idea. And really disrespectful to the nanny. And insulting. Get a nanny cam if you're that worried, don't put an old woman there to annoy her constantly, judge everything she does (and report back to you, no doubt) and micromanage or even undermine her in front of the kids.

I sure hope the nanny isn’t pooping with the bathroom door open in front of her seven-year-old charge.

[Anonymous]

Geez, this all sounds so super complicated and not worth the hassle. Your nanny's patience was probably already way thin with you with the weekend "backup care" calls. I didn't even know "backup care" WITH another parent there was a thing.