Our nanny backed out of weekend care. Now what?

[Anonymous]

How would you like to spend 3 days working overtime with your boss’s mother looking over your shoulder?

For all she knows, your MIL is reporting the nanny’s every move (perhaps with her personal spin on it — grandmothers tend to be overly critical of those caring for their grandchildren in a manner that is even marginally different than they would) back to you. I don’t blame the nanny for not wanting to be under the microscope for multiple days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. You were rude. No way would I want some mother or mother in law type hanging around while I'm trying to handle 3 young kids by myself.

And you just have to read DCUM for 5 minutes to understand that what some people consider "oh, she'll be no extra work at all!", others consider "OMG she's an absolute nightmare!" With your plan, your nanny would need to have properly cooked meals all the time, she can't poop with the bathroom door open, etc. All downsides and no upsides for the nanny. Basically she'll still be 100% responsible for any and all things that could go wrong (as you admitted, i.e. "the nanny is the one in charge") but has no privacy to do those things, has no actual authority since what nanny is seriously going to challenge the mom of her boss, she has to work around another person she is forced to be polite to who may or may not be actually creating extra work for her, and she has to have agreement with someone about every single decision because the kids would walk all over her and if nanny told the kids something and then grandma said they could do it anyway. It would even affect the way the kids saw her (lower authority) on later occasions when the grandma isn't even there anymore but the nanny is caring for the kids herself.

Just a terrible idea. And really disrespectful to the nanny. And insulting. Get a nanny cam if you're that worried, don't put an old woman there to annoy her constantly, judge everything she does (and report back to you, no doubt) and micromanage or even undermine her in front of the kids.

I sure hope the nanny isn’t pooping with the bathroom door open in front of her seven-year-old charge.

I have a 5 yo, 3 yo, 1 month old, and if a nanny was minding all 3 of mine for days and nights on end then I'd have no problem at all with her pooping with the door open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you like to spend 3 days working overtime with your boss’s mother looking over your shoulder?

For all she knows, your MIL is reporting the nanny’s every move (perhaps with her personal spin on it — grandmothers tend to be overly critical of those caring for their grandchildren in a manner that is even marginally different than they would) back to you. I don’t blame the nanny for not wanting to be under the microscope for multiple days!

Really, this nails it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you like to spend 3 days working overtime with your boss’s mother looking over your shoulder?

For all she knows, your MIL is reporting the nanny’s every move (perhaps with her personal spin on it — grandmothers tend to be overly critical of those caring for their grandchildren in a manner that is even marginally different than they would) back to you. I don’t blame the nanny for not wanting to be under the microscope for multiple days!

Absolutely. Also, I'm sure your nanny felt like your mother would be in charge (or act like it). And where was your mother going to stay? At your house? So not only is someone backseat driving with the kids, Now, come evening, when the kids are in bed, your nanny has to deal with your mother?

[Anonymous]

I just realized ages of children - 6m, 2.6 and 6. That is a lot of work for one person.

Op, I get you. Not sure why everyone is piling on you.

I had an infant, 5yo and 7yo when it was our 10y wedding anniversary. We did not go away. I wish we did.

I feel like our marriage often suffers because we always put kids first ALWAYS. You do you.

I would ask nanny to reconsider and cancel your moms flight with no refund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just realized ages of children - 6m, 2.6 and 6. That is a lot of work for one person.

Op, I get you. Not sure why everyone is piling on you.

I had an infant, 5yo and 7yo when it was our 10y wedding anniversary. We did not go away. I wish we did.

I feel like our marriage often suffers because we always put kids first ALWAYS. You do you.

I would ask nanny to reconsider and cancel your moms flight with no refund.

Because she didn't consult the nanny first. Seriously, you really don't get this?

[Anonymous]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I guarantee you are not paying enough. Ask her if she'll do it for more money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you like to spend 3 days working overtime with your boss’s mother looking over your shoulder?

THIS. If some old lady was hovering nearby while I'm working with spreadsheets - every once in a while jumping in to change a cell or suggesting I use a match instead of vlookup or trying to make small talk with me while I'm working - I'd be so pissed. OP you are so clueless. You negotiated an agreement with the nanny and you changed the agreement -- in reality, you are the one who backed out on an agreed upon plan. You need to see if you can salvage your relationship with your nanny - either by offering to pay for some of her time (maybe she can come babysit during the daytime while your mom is off doing another activity, or she can just come for bedtime or something) or by cancelling your mom's trip overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you like to spend 3 days working overtime with your boss’s mother looking over your shoulder?

THIS. If some old lady was hovering nearby while I'm working with spreadsheets - every once in a while jumping in to change a cell or suggesting I use a match instead of vlookup or trying to make small talk with me while I'm working - I'd be so pissed. OP you are so clueless. You negotiated an agreement with the nanny and you changed the agreement -- in reality, you are the one who backed out on an agreed upon plan. You need to see if you can salvage your relationship with your nanny - either by offering to pay for some of her time (maybe she can come babysit during the daytime while your mom is off doing another activity, or she can just come for bedtime or something) or by cancelling your mom's trip overall.

+1

You backed out, OP. Not the nanny. If you accepted a job, and then just before your first day your boss told you that, by the way, you'd now be doing a different job and report to a different manager and actually that manager would be sitting at your desk with you 24/7 watching everything you do.... what would you do? I guarantee you'd write and say sorry but that's not going to work for me. But then would you seriously feel that YOU "backed out" of the job?? Or would you be annoyed that they wasted your time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apologize to nanny and tell her you cannot cancel the trip, but you can cancel your mother. Ask if this is acceptable and emphasize no hard feelings as it was your mistake.

Tell your mother your nanny is threatening to quit and you can’t afford to lose the care. Emphasize this was your mistake and rebook her for another special weekend.

This is good advice. You need to repair your relationship with your nanny STAT if you want to keep her. Tell her you were wrong, you were trying to do the right thing by not making the weekend too hard for her, and that you never intended to insult her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP.

I definitely didn’t mean to offend or upset my nanny. I trust her abilities and she’s been alone with all three many times and does well. I just had last minute jitters and feel more comfortable leaving my kids with two sets of hands instead of one. I sincerely thought nanny would be grateful for the help. Her pay stays the same but less work.

My kids are young. 7mo, 2.5 and 6. They’re a handful and I kept imagining scenerios where nanny would need help and quick. I agree, I should have consulted her first. That being said, I think in any job you have to be fairly flexible and know things aren’t always going to go your way. I guess I’m just disappointed in our nannies reaction. Very unexpected.

Also my mother is able bodied and sound of mind. She just gets overwhelmed with all three. My mother being present definitely doesn’t add to any duties the nanny has, just relieved her of many.

OP, I understand. Our nanny also sometimes has reactions that are unexpected to me. It's understandable because we're not the same person, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes annoy me. Since you seem to otherwise like your nanny and you really were trying to do the right thing, tell her what you just wrote here. Either she'll recant because she'll see that you weren't insulting her ability to watch your kids and your mom can stay or you'll need to cancel your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apologize to nanny and tell her you cannot cancel the trip, but you can cancel your mother. Ask if this is acceptable and emphasize no hard feelings as it was your mistake.

Tell your mother your nanny is threatening to quit and you can’t afford to lose the care. Emphasize this was your mistake and rebook her for another special weekend.

This is good advice. You need to repair your relationship with your nanny STAT if you want to keep her. Tell her you were wrong, you were trying to do the right thing by not making the weekend too hard for her, and that you never intended to insult her.

OP hasn't figured out yet that her relationship with her nanny is damaged. She's worried about her mother. It's all about her mother.

And she wonders why nanny doesn't want to come and do a challenging job (that OP admits she could never do herself) with her easily offended and obviously #1-in-the-universe mother hanging around judging everything. The mother who could never mind the kids herself but "she's a great helper!" And the fact that the mother is offended shows that she just doesn't get it either. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

In a few weeks there will be a post from OP about how her nanny quit "with no notice at all!" and "they had absolutely no idea that anything was wrong!!" and how can she ever survive.

Some people are just clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP.

I definitely didn’t mean to offend or upset my nanny. I trust her abilities and she’s been alone with all three many times and does well. I just had last minute jitters and feel more comfortable leaving my kids with two sets of hands instead of one. I sincerely thought nanny would be grateful for the help. Her pay stays the same but less work.

My kids are young. 7mo, 2.5 and 6. They’re a handful and I kept imagining scenerios where nanny would need help and quick. I agree, I should have consulted her first. That being said, I think in any job you have to be fairly flexible and know things aren’t always going to go your way. I guess I’m just disappointed in our nannies reaction. Very unexpected.

Also my mother is able bodied and sound of mind. She just gets overwhelmed with all three. My mother being present definitely doesn’t add to any duties the nanny has, just relieved her of many.

OP, I understand. Our nanny also sometimes has reactions that are unexpected to me. It's understandable because we're not the same person, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sometimes annoy me. Since you seem to otherwise like your nanny and you really were trying to do the right thing, tell her what you just wrote here. Either she'll recant because she'll see that you weren't insulting her ability to watch your kids and your mom can stay and you'll need to cancel your mom, or she'll politely tell you she already made other plans for the weekend, which you can take as a sign she's looking for a new position.

Fixed that for you. Having the mother come along with the nanny is not an option anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the OP.

I definitely didn’t mean to offend or upset my nanny. I trust her abilities and she’s been alone with all three many times and does well. I just had last minute jitters and feel more comfortable leaving my kids with two sets of hands instead of one. I sincerely thought nanny would be grateful for the help. Her pay stays the same but less work.

My kids are young. 7mo, 2.5 and 6. They’re a handful and I kept imagining scenerios where nanny would need help and quick. I agree, I should have consulted her first. That being said, I think in any job you have to be fairly flexible and know things aren’t always going to go your way. I guess I’m just disappointed in our nannies reaction. Very unexpected.

Also my mother is able bodied and sound of mind. She just gets overwhelmed with all three. My mother being present definitely doesn’t add to any duties the nanny has, just relieved her of many.

Your nanny clearly doesn’t feel that your mother would be helpful. “Flexible” has zero to do with it. You basically told your nanny you didn’t trust her and you were going to bring in your mother.

You were wrong, OP, and should absolutely apologize to your nanny explaining that you did not mean to make it sound like you didn’t trust her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is beyond weird. It must be full of nannies or something.

Nope. I'm a full time woh that didnt have a nanny when my kids were little and I'm 100% team nanny. This is about respecting a professional you have hired to perform a service.