My theory on parental happiness and your answer to the perennial "should I have another question?"

[Anonymous]

I think OP's take is interesting. If it make sense for her, sure!

My theory on kids and why I stopped at two is that I get more of the fun with two and not three. The way I see it, you have to spend a certain amount of time taking care of kids' basic needs: keeping kids fed, dressed, cleanly diapered (if you're still in that stage), safe. Then you have a little time for fun stuff. I realized that having three meant much more time taking care of basic needs and less time having fun with them. In the thick of things with my two, I realized if if the kid was happy and content, I wasn't with her. I was with the other one who was crying or hungry or needing his nose wiped. Then I switched. If I had more, there would be more time dealing with the least happy one, and less time for fun. Just my take on things.

[Anonymous]

If you actually spent *years* at a 1 pre-kids, that would mean you were severely clinically depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

This is what changes: everything and nothing. It is falling in love. What changed when you fell in love with your partner? Presumably, you’ve added that person to your life. That changed what your day looked like in small ways, from the minute you work up. You had to share a space, which before was empty. You had to adjust your rhythm.you may have added new activities, and possibly added new family and friends. Your mood was likely altered often, by this person. Your heart expanded and filled with love for this other soul. But all of these thing, you were still you.

That’s having a baby.

The details of your day will change, but it will still be you. Three years ago tonight I would have been online (as I am now) goofing around and preparing for work. I would have spent Sunday talking to friends (which I did today) maybe grabbing groceries, or brunch and snuggling my husband, all things that are still typical. Now we just have three. We still snuggled, but this time it was all three of us. Instead of laying still and chatting quietly, we read books, our toddler jumped on usa and patted our bellies, gave kisses, and snuggled while asking for his book to be read again and again. Before he arrived this would have sounded kinda ick. However, it is now pure joy.

Tonight was still me, the same me as three years ago. My only fundamental change is that I now know what it is to love a child more than anyone else in the world and to be a mom. I’m a happier, and much more content me. I fell in love again, albeit a different type of love. Prior, I had known spouse love, sibling love, best friend love, first love, parent love and even work love. Mom love is just a new kind. I now have two favorite people and I get to live with them both!

Motherhood is different for us all. Different kids, different support and our own histories. But if all goes well, becoming a mom will change everything and nothing and you will have discovered a whole new kind of love.

^^ sugarcoated lies. having a kid (especially for a woman) is a MASSIVE change in your life, in terms of your freedom and time. yes I adore my child and feel intense love for him, but don't be fooled into thinking having a kid is just like being childless, except with a cute fun new person! it's not. it's a huge change in status, entry into a total institution.

[Anonymous]

Meh. So each kid gives you the potential for higher highs and lower lows? No one can be as happy as a person with more and more kids? Seems like a fallacy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

This is what changes: everything and nothing. It is falling in love. What changed when you fell in love with your partner? Presumably, you’ve added that person to your life. That changed what your day looked like in small ways, from the minute you work up. You had to share a space, which before was empty. You had to adjust your rhythm.you may have added new activities, and possibly added new family and friends. Your mood was likely altered often, by this person. Your heart expanded and filled with love for this other soul. But all of these thing, you were still you.

That’s having a baby.

The details of your day will change, but it will still be you. Three years ago tonight I would have been online (as I am now) goofing around and preparing for work. I would have spent Sunday talking to friends (which I did today) maybe grabbing groceries, or brunch and snuggling my husband, all things that are still typical. Now we just have three. We still snuggled, but this time it was all three of us. Instead of laying still and chatting quietly, we read books, our toddler jumped on usa and patted our bellies, gave kisses, and snuggled while asking for his book to be read again and again. Before he arrived this would have sounded kinda ick. However, it is now pure joy.

Tonight was still me, the same me as three years ago. My only fundamental change is that I now know what it is to love a child more than anyone else in the world and to be a mom. I’m a happier, and much more content me. I fell in love again, albeit a different type of love. Prior, I had known spouse love, sibling love, best friend love, first love, parent love and even work love. Mom love is just a new kind. I now have two favorite people and I get to live with them both!

Motherhood is different for us all. Different kids, different support and our own histories. But if all goes well, becoming a mom will change everything and nothing and you will have discovered a whole new kind of love.

^^ sugarcoated lies. having a kid (especially for a woman) is a MASSIVE change in your life, in terms of your freedom and time. yes I adore my child and feel intense love for him, but don't be fooled into thinking having a kid is just like being childless, except with a cute fun new person! it's not. it's a huge change in status, entry into a total institution.

I dunno for me PP is pretty spot on. We're all different, we all experience this world differently.

[Anonymous]

I only have one kid, and I hover between 0 and -10 ALOT. There are a few really happy moments, but they are way too few and far between for me to consider more.

[Anonymous]

Love this post! I think people are misinterpreting when they say this means more kids = more happiness. I think what OP is saying is that the lows get lower and potential highs get higher. But it doesn't mean that your average state of happiness is lower or higher - I think that is dependent on each individual person and situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. So each kid gives you the potential for higher highs and lower lows? No one can be as happy as a person with more and more kids? Seems like a fallacy to me.

Agreed. I found the post very odd. I am definitely happier both on a regular basis and experience higher highs than my SIL who has twice the amount of kids I do. I also have a friend who has one and is the kind of person who radiates joy. So I don't think this makes any sense at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love this post! I think people are misinterpreting when they say this means more kids = more happiness. I think what OP is saying is that the lows get lower and potential highs get higher. But it doesn't mean that your average state of happiness is lower or higher - I think that is dependent on each individual person and situation.

Uh, those two things are the same. She's saying if you only have one kid, you can't possibly be as happy on your happiest day as the happiest day of someone who has more kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love this post! I think people are misinterpreting when they say this means more kids = more happiness. I think what OP is saying is that the lows get lower and potential highs get higher. But it doesn't mean that your average state of happiness is lower or higher - I think that is dependent on each individual person and situation.

Uh, those two things are the same. She's saying if you only have one kid, you can't possibly be as happy on your happiest day as the happiest day of someone who has more kids.

I think people are reading into this too much. It is just like...intensity maybe is a better term?

A lot of people say fighting with a spouse gets you to a really intense emotional level. And then you have crazy sex and you're just like, FEELING IT. But it doesn't mean they LOVE their spouse more than I love my spouse I don't fight that way with. But that they enjoy and are fulfilled by an intense reaction that I am not fueled by. Every child adds intensity, and therefore high highs, low lows. But you don't love your one child less than I love my two children. You just aren't fulfilled by the intensity of those high highs/low lows that come with added children and their corresponding drama.

I do think at some point this tapers off though, like after 8 kids or something, I don't think you can really have the same kind of significant meaningful one on one relationships with 8 kids plus DH. My grammy had 8 children (Catholic, not on purpose). And she loved them all for sure. But as adults they are all SO competitive with one another still, scrabbling for affection. I think its just a matter of bandwidth at some point.

But for sure up to whatever that line is, the intensity is ratcheted up with every successive kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

This is what changes: everything and nothing. It is falling in love. What changed when you fell in love with your partner? Presumably, you’ve added that person to your life. That changed what your day looked like in small ways, from the minute you work up. You had to share a space, which before was empty. You had to adjust your rhythm.you may have added new activities, and possibly added new family and friends. Your mood was likely altered often, by this person. Your heart expanded and filled with love for this other soul. But all of these thing, you were still you.

That’s having a baby.

The details of your day will change, but it will still be you. Three years ago tonight I would have been online (as I am now) goofing around and preparing for work. I would have spent Sunday talking to friends (which I did today) maybe grabbing groceries, or brunch and snuggling my husband, all things that are still typical. Now we just have three. We still snuggled, but this time it was all three of us. Instead of laying still and chatting quietly, we read books, our toddler jumped on usa and patted our bellies, gave kisses, and snuggled while asking for his book to be read again and again. Before he arrived this would have sounded kinda ick. However, it is now pure joy.

Tonight was still me, the same me as three years ago. My only fundamental change is that I now know what it is to love a child more than anyone else in the world and to be a mom. I’m a happier, and much more content me. I fell in love again, albeit a different type of love. Prior, I had known spouse love, sibling love, best friend love, first love, parent love and even work love. Mom love is just a new kind. I now have two favorite people and I get to live with them both!

Motherhood is different for us all. Different kids, different support and our own histories. But if all goes well, becoming a mom will change everything and nothing and you will have discovered a whole new kind of love.

^^ sugarcoated lies. having a kid (especially for a woman) is a MASSIVE change in your life, in terms of your freedom and time. yes I adore my child and feel intense love for him, but don't be fooled into thinking having a kid is just like being childless, except with a cute fun new person! it's not. it's a huge change in status, entry into a total institution.

I dunno for me PP is pretty spot on. We're all different, we all experience this world differently.

The actual research indicates that parenting negatively impacts well-being on average.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3159916/

"it turns out that having a child can have a pretty strong negative impact on a person's happiness, according to a new study published in the journal Demography. In fact, on average, the effect of a new baby on a person's life in the first year is devastatingly bad — worse than divorce, worse than unemployment and worse even than the death of a partner."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/?utm_term=.3c37e87f87af

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

This is what changes: everything and nothing. It is falling in love. What changed when you fell in love with your partner? Presumably, you’ve added that person to your life. That changed what your day looked like in small ways, from the minute you work up. You had to share a space, which before was empty. You had to adjust your rhythm.you may have added new activities, and possibly added new family and friends. Your mood was likely altered often, by this person. Your heart expanded and filled with love for this other soul. But all of these thing, you were still you.

That’s having a baby.

The details of your day will change, but it will still be you. Three years ago tonight I would have been online (as I am now) goofing around and preparing for work. I would have spent Sunday talking to friends (which I did today) maybe grabbing groceries, or brunch and snuggling my husband, all things that are still typical. Now we just have three. We still snuggled, but this time it was all three of us. Instead of laying still and chatting quietly, we read books, our toddler jumped on usa and patted our bellies, gave kisses, and snuggled while asking for his book to be read again and again. Before he arrived this would have sounded kinda ick. However, it is now pure joy.

Tonight was still me, the same me as three years ago. My only fundamental change is that I now know what it is to love a child more than anyone else in the world and to be a mom. I’m a happier, and much more content me. I fell in love again, albeit a different type of love. Prior, I had known spouse love, sibling love, best friend love, first love, parent love and even work love. Mom love is just a new kind. I now have two favorite people and I get to live with them both!

Motherhood is different for us all. Different kids, different support and our own histories. But if all goes well, becoming a mom will change everything and nothing and you will have discovered a whole new kind of love.

^^ sugarcoated lies. having a kid (especially for a woman) is a MASSIVE change in your life, in terms of your freedom and time. yes I adore my child and feel intense love for him, but don't be fooled into thinking having a kid is just like being childless, except with a cute fun new person! it's not. it's a huge change in status, entry into a total institution.

I dunno for me PP is pretty spot on. We're all different, we all experience this world differently.

The actual research indicates that parenting negatively impacts well-being on average.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3159916/

"it turns out that having a child can have a pretty strong negative impact on a person's happiness, according to a new study published in the journal Demography. In fact, on average, the effect of a new baby on a person's life in the first year is devastatingly bad — worse than divorce, worse than unemployment and worse even than the death of a partner."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/?utm_term=.3c37e87f87af

Maybe on average, but that doesn't mean I'm lying when i say having a child didnt remotely negatively impact my life or fundamentally alter my identity. I'm not the pp of this thread but i feel it's really reflective of my experience, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

This is what changes: everything and nothing. It is falling in love. What changed when you fell in love with your partner? Presumably, you’ve added that person to your life. That changed what your day looked like in small ways, from the minute you work up. You had to share a space, which before was empty. You had to adjust your rhythm.you may have added new activities, and possibly added new family and friends. Your mood was likely altered often, by this person. Your heart expanded and filled with love for this other soul. But all of these thing, you were still you.

That’s having a baby.

The details of your day will change, but it will still be you. Three years ago tonight I would have been online (as I am now) goofing around and preparing for work. I would have spent Sunday talking to friends (which I did today) maybe grabbing groceries, or brunch and snuggling my husband, all things that are still typical. Now we just have three. We still snuggled, but this time it was all three of us. Instead of laying still and chatting quietly, we read books, our toddler jumped on usa and patted our bellies, gave kisses, and snuggled while asking for his book to be read again and again. Before he arrived this would have sounded kinda ick. However, it is now pure joy.

Tonight was still me, the same me as three years ago. My only fundamental change is that I now know what it is to love a child more than anyone else in the world and to be a mom. I’m a happier, and much more content me. I fell in love again, albeit a different type of love. Prior, I had known spouse love, sibling love, best friend love, first love, parent love and even work love. Mom love is just a new kind. I now have two favorite people and I get to live with them both!

Motherhood is different for us all. Different kids, different support and our own histories. But if all goes well, becoming a mom will change everything and nothing and you will have discovered a whole new kind of love.

^^ sugarcoated lies. having a kid (especially for a woman) is a MASSIVE change in your life, in terms of your freedom and time. yes I adore my child and feel intense love for him, but don't be fooled into thinking having a kid is just like being childless, except with a cute fun new person! it's not. it's a huge change in status, entry into a total institution.

I dunno for me PP is pretty spot on. We're all different, we all experience this world differently.

The actual research indicates that parenting negatively impacts well-being on average.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3159916/

"it turns out that having a child can have a pretty strong negative impact on a person's happiness, according to a new study published in the journal Demography. In fact, on average, the effect of a new baby on a person's life in the first year is devastatingly bad — worse than divorce, worse than unemployment and worse even than the death of a partner."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/?utm_term=.3c37e87f87af

this is, obviously, nonsense. it's the researchers who need to go back to the drawing board and find a better tool for measurement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. So each kid gives you the potential for higher highs and lower lows? No one can be as happy as a person with more and more kids? Seems like a fallacy to me.

Agreed. I found the post very odd. I am definitely happier both on a regular basis and experience higher highs than my SIL who has twice the amount of kids I do. I also have a friend who has one and is the kind of person who radiates joy. So I don't think this makes any sense at all.

i don't think OP is guaranteeing anyone additional everyday happiness. I like running, and have run a few 10k's and the highs are great plus the lows are manageable for me. But while i know the high of running a marathon would be amazing, the lows would be too much for me, and would make it not worth it-for me, anyway.

I also absolutely know i want to stop at two kids, because the lows involved are just as deep as i can handle. i will probably miss out on some 'big family' joy that can only come with 3+, but will also miss out on the 'big family' lows. Overall, average happiness probably has more to do individual personality, money, family, and friends than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

This is what changes: everything and nothing. It is falling in love. What changed when you fell in love with your partner? Presumably, you’ve added that person to your life. That changed what your day looked like in small ways, from the minute you work up. You had to share a space, which before was empty. You had to adjust your rhythm.you may have added new activities, and possibly added new family and friends. Your mood was likely altered often, by this person. Your heart expanded and filled with love for this other soul. But all of these thing, you were still you.

That’s having a baby.

The details of your day will change, but it will still be you. Three years ago tonight I would have been online (as I am now) goofing around and preparing for work. I would have spent Sunday talking to friends (which I did today) maybe grabbing groceries, or brunch and snuggling my husband, all things that are still typical. Now we just have three. We still snuggled, but this time it was all three of us. Instead of laying still and chatting quietly, we read books, our toddler jumped on usa and patted our bellies, gave kisses, and snuggled while asking for his book to be read again and again. Before he arrived this would have sounded kinda ick. However, it is now pure joy.

Tonight was still me, the same me as three years ago. My only fundamental change is that I now know what it is to love a child more than anyone else in the world and to be a mom. I’m a happier, and much more content me. I fell in love again, albeit a different type of love. Prior, I had known spouse love, sibling love, best friend love, first love, parent love and even work love. Mom love is just a new kind. I now have two favorite people and I get to live with them both!

Motherhood is different for us all. Different kids, different support and our own histories. But if all goes well, becoming a mom will change everything and nothing and you will have discovered a whole new kind of love.

^^ sugarcoated lies. having a kid (especially for a woman) is a MASSIVE change in your life, in terms of your freedom and time. yes I adore my child and feel intense love for him, but don't be fooled into thinking having a kid is just like being childless, except with a cute fun new person! it's not. it's a huge change in status, entry into a total institution.

I dunno for me PP is pretty spot on. We're all different, we all experience this world differently.

The actual research indicates that parenting negatively impacts well-being on average.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3159916/

"it turns out that having a child can have a pretty strong negative impact on a person's happiness, according to a new study published in the journal Demography. In fact, on average, the effect of a new baby on a person's life in the first year is devastatingly bad — worse than divorce, worse than unemployment and worse even than the death of a partner."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/08/11/the-most-depressing-statistic-imaginable-about-being-a-new-parent/?utm_term=.3c37e87f87af

this is, obviously, nonsense. it's the researchers who need to go back to the drawing board and find a better tool for measurement.

Not sure how you came to this conclusion. Here are many reasons why women suffer after having kids. Some of us are luckier than others and can throw money at some of these problems.

1. Ruins or stalls your careeer
2. Messes up your body
3. Fewer nights out with friends and husband
4. Breastfeeding and childbirth hurt
5. SLEEP
6. Sex life with your husband

I could go on. Having kids sucks. It’s why birth control was a big deal. Few women want kid after kid unless they have nothing to give up in their life for that next child.