My theory on parental happiness and your answer to the perennial "should I have another question?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting way of looking at it, OP. I think I’m stopping at one child, in part, because I have thought of it as “I don’t need any additional happiness (as in, I’m already very happy — your “highs”) and I can’t tolerate any more anxiety.”

DITTO!!!!

[Anonymous]

Lovely post. I can relate too.

[Anonymous]

I also wonder if the scale changes as your kids get older. Like if you have 3, eventually you get a -10 to 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also wonder if the scale changes as your kids get older. Like if you have 3, eventually you get a -10 to 50.

OP back. This is an interesting point.

Though I know my brother’s failing out of college did a number on my mom, and she worried about my health during my pregnancies, she rushed into town when my daughter had to be hospitalized twice. But the lows could also space out more, too.

[Anonymous]

YOu need to publish this

[Anonymous]

Great post, OP. And add to that the personal thresholds that individuals (and couples) can handle, and you sort of have a formula for what the "right" number of kids per family makes sense. The frequency of highs vs lows plays a big role, too. So overall happiness is sort of an average of ratings over time.

Of course I know you can't really quantify emotions in such a way, but I appreciate this way of thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:YOu need to publish this

NP. But write the title correctly.

[Anonymous]

I like this theory OP. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

I think you've really nailed it.

[Anonymous]

As the eldest daughter of a large family, I feel compelled to point out that while this scale might be true for the parents, it doesn't hold true for the siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

This is what changes: everything and nothing. It is falling in love. What changed when you fell in love with your partner? Presumably, you’ve added that person to your life. That changed what your day looked like in small ways, from the minute you work up. You had to share a space, which before was empty. You had to adjust your rhythm.you may have added new activities, and possibly added new family and friends. Your mood was likely altered often, by this person. Your heart expanded and filled with love for this other soul. But all of these thing, you were still you.

That’s having a baby.

The details of your day will change, but it will still be you. Three years ago tonight I would have been online (as I am now) goofing around and preparing for work. I would have spent Sunday talking to friends (which I did today) maybe grabbing groceries, or brunch and snuggling my husband, all things that are still typical. Now we just have three. We still snuggled, but this time it was all three of us. Instead of laying still and chatting quietly, we read books, our toddler jumped on usa and patted our bellies, gave kisses, and snuggled while asking for his book to be read again and again. Before he arrived this would have sounded kinda ick. However, it is now pure joy.

Tonight was still me, the same me as three years ago. My only fundamental change is that I now know what it is to love a child more than anyone else in the world and to be a mom. I’m a happier, and much more content me. I fell in love again, albeit a different type of love. Prior, I had known spouse love, sibling love, best friend love, first love, parent love and even work love. Mom love is just a new kind. I now have two favorite people and I get to live with them both!

Motherhood is different for us all. Different kids, different support and our own histories. But if all goes well, becoming a mom will change everything and nothing and you will have discovered a whole new kind of love.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for this op. Pregnant with #2 and really feeling challenged with a toddler. This doesn’t sugarcoat it but puts things in perspective. Was started to feel alarmingly like the main character in Tully, and wondering if I made a big mistake. No idea how my grandmother had six kids!

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I was pretty much at -100 low and +100 high upon having my first kid. I have another now and although it's tons more fun, joy, work, and logistical complexity, I don't know if the quality of the positives/negatives has shifted so much. It is amazing to see the sibling bond so in that respect, yes, perhaps there is something to that. And it is equally hard to see the rivalry or jealousy. But I would say for me it's more like +100 -- > +120 or something like that and I think there would be marginal returns on each additional one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting way of looking at it, OP. I think I’m stopping at one child, in part, because I have thought of it as “I don’t need any additional happiness (as in, I’m already very happy — your “highs”) and I can’t tolerate any more anxiety.”

DITTO!!!!

I have two and this is exactly why I don't have three. Cannot take any more anxiety. OP-this analysis is spot on.

[Anonymous]

All I came away with from this is that you are, occasionally, way happier than I can even conceive of being because I only have two children. This is untrue.