My theory on parental happiness and your answer to the perennial "should I have another question?"

[Anonymous]

Here's my theory. Feel free to agree, disagree, discuss. FWIW, I have three kids myself.

Before kids my happiness levels were on a scale from 1 to 10. My grandmother's death, a bout of food poisoning, law school finals period were examples of #1. My wedding day, trips to Italy, Thailand, law school graduation all examples of #10. Before kids, there would be long periods (maybe even years) between when I'd be all the way at a #1 and all the way at a #10. Things didn't shift so rapidly.

After having a child, the scale EXPANDED to span from -10 to 20. The highs are so much higher but the lows are so much lower. And you can experience a -10 covered in baby poop and vomit with hurting nipples and scared out of your mind for your baby's health one morning followed by a 20 that evening when baby finally feels better and decides to give you a big gummy grin and slobbery kiss for the first time. Or a -10 one morning when your elementary schooler is crying because a friend was mean to her yesterday and you're worried that she's not integrating well socially and a 20 that afternoon when she comes home so proud with a math test and says that she and Larla are friends again. Just quick examples I tried to come up with off the top of my head. Basically the scale expands because now you feel the happiness and fear/worry/sadness of your child as well.

Add another child and the scale EXPANDS again from -20 to 30. I had two under two so there were plenty of examples of -20. haha But when the two kids would say "I love you" or even just be kind to one another, or how the baby would laugh at her older sibling. My heart would explode to new levels of happiness never reached before.

After my third, my scale is now -30 to 40. We just had a stomach bug come through the house, and the baby is teething, and my husband is stressed about work, and I'm stressed about getting everything ready for the holidays and my job, and my elementary schooler is being a pain about doing his writing homework, and the middle kid is just not listening this week, and all that has led to some serious -30 moments especially when everyone was taking a turn barfing. But when the older two decide to put on a puppet show to entertain the baby and she belly laughs at their antics and I sit in awe of their creativity, teamwork, and love for the baby. Man, that's a 40.

So this has been my experience. And my answer to "should you have another" is can you or do you want to handle going down another 10 points on the misery scale. If so, you'll be rewarded with another 10 points on the joy scale. At least in my calculations!

And I'm sure at some point the negative drop would be even larger if you were looking at no longer being able to afford housing, clothes, food or general care for the children obviously. So this assumes you can generally afford the additional child, though additional financial concerns do add to our negative drop.

[Anonymous]

Wow. You have a lot of free time on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Your post is too long. I lost interest.

[Anonymous]

Yep I get it. I agree.

I have three and they are actually awesome kids.

But the W E I G H T of it in some moments. Or for days and weeks.

If you ask this morning, I’m like, ‘no one should have ANY kids.’ But ask me on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning!!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Haha, ok. Just sitting here nursing and reflecting on life a bit. There’s always tons of threads asking if they should have another so I figured I’d share my thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I love this.

[Anonymous]

I like your post OP, ignore the rude PPs. I have an only (by choice) and nearly didn't have any kids, because I didn't want to drop down on the low end. DH and I agree our marriage wouldn't survive a second, even though we love each other and our kid. I often tell people that all the bad or hard things I thought would happen, did happen, but so much joy happened also. Your explanation is probably clearer and closer to how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for writing this! As someone who is about to start TTC and very anxious about the life change a baby will bring, it’s helpful!

[Anonymous]

Nope. I’m pretty much a happy person. Even when my son was in the NICU I had faith things would work out. Pretty even until he problems multipled. Sought a therapist. I’m lucky that he is happy and healthy now.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree. You should write this up for a blog or parenting magazine.

[Anonymous]

Another parent of three, and yeah, the highs get higher and the lows lower with each additional kid--but probably up to a point. In super large families, I think it peters out and the kids just get less from each parent.

Also, I don't think the scale is linear, at least not for everyone. Too many variables.

[Anonymous]

Great post!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your post OP! I agree that this could be published on a blog or something.
I’m one of those DCUMers considering #2 and I really enjoyed reading it.

[Anonymous]

This is fascinating, thanks for posting OP!

I only have one but i feel like my scale has mostly compressed. That is because with a kid my life has become way more routine, in work and social life, which makes me feel more stable (lows not as low, and i spend more time at work because we can't support kid on two flexible, low paid jobs) but also there are fewer significant pleasures like vacations (highs are those nice day to day moments). I would probably feel more like OP if I were an at home parent or had had really awful lows like a hospitalized child.

[Anonymous]

Interesting way of looking at it, OP. I think I’m stopping at one child, in part, because I have thought of it as “I don’t need any additional happiness (as in, I’m already very happy — your “highs”) and I can’t tolerate any more anxiety.”