I started paying my kids for good grades, but now I want to stop

[Anonymous]

Yes--shift to semester grades. We only pay for straight As, so you can think of that, as well (or a small amount per A and a big bonus for straight As). And we tell them they must save 50% of the payments for a long-term purchase that we approve. (For instance, a car or a cool summer program we can't otherwise pay for.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why pay them to do things they should be doing? There are people who pay their kids to make their beds, clean their rooms etc.

Not all kids are the same. I used to agree with you in theory, but in the real world, you have to work with what you have. It would be wonderful if every kid was intrinsically motivated to work to the best of their ability. If they aren’t, it’s all the more important that they develop good habits that will help them succeed.

My son is impervious to carrots and sticks and has been from a very young age. It’s just the way he is, so we do what we can to spark genuine interest and caring in his schoolwork. My daughter is completely different. She hates being told what to do, even by teachers. But that girl loves to earn a buck! In second grade, she started sneaking out to sell her toys and artwork to neighbors and passers by, reveling in whatever cash she came with.

This

[Anonymous]

I used to pay my daughter for goals. Now that she’s on a travel team and is recognized as a naturally gifted athlete I stopped. When she asked me why her little brother still gets paid for each goal I told her at the time she needed the incentive but now her sport was part of her life, and her motivation is improving her skills and her inner self, win or lose. Money can’t buy that, it comes from the heart. She thought about it for a minute and said...”ok. Makes sense.” I think it made her feel like she had reached a certain level of accomplishment. Instead, I buy her the best equipment. She now looks at her little brother and says, “you’ll get there buddy.” I think the same idea would work for grades.

[Anonymous]

Just tell them you are now putting the A money toward college and switch the motivation currency to something they are already getting. Like, if they want to keep having access to video games or TV? They need to keep doing well in school. New clothes, participating in athletics, whatever. The grades need to stay up.

My kid goes to a hippy dippy school without grades but he knows if he wants the freedom to decide how to handle his assignments on his own (i.e., when and how much to study, and when and how much to goof around), I need to keep getting exceptional reports about him from school. He doesn't get money for doing well, he gets to be left alone. That is his "currency" and frankly probably more motivating to him than money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to pay my daughter for goals. Now that she’s on a travel team and is recognized as a naturally gifted athlete I stopped. When she asked me why her little brother still gets paid for each goal I told her at the time she needed the incentive but now her sport was part of her life, and her motivation is improving her skills and her inner self, win or lose. Money can’t buy that, it comes from the heart. She thought about it for a minute and said...”ok. Makes sense.” I think it made her feel like she had reached a certain level of accomplishment. Instead, I buy her the best equipment. She now looks at her little brother and says, “you’ll get there buddy.” I think the same idea would work for grades.

I like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you paying them for each A they get?

OP here. It is embarrassing. It was $10 an A!!! I know that it is ridiculous, but I honestly didn't think they were capable. I saw only one or two low As per marking period before the deal. Now, we owe my son $300 for this marking period alone. My daughter is due more than that, she squeezes out As now like she is printing money.

It's not embarassing. You made the best decision you could think of at the time. And it worked out well.

The key how is to talk with them about it honestly and openly. You want to help them transition from working hard because of EXTERNAL motivation (money from you) and instead to working hard because of INTERNAL motivation (because it feels good to them for one or more reasons.)

The key here is NOT to tell they why you decided to pay them in the first place (because you didn't think they were capable . . . ouch!!), but instead to tell them you're proud of them for making more of an effort! And then ask them how they feel -- are they proud of themselves, too?

That's really the next step -- bring THEM into the process. Ask them questions and get them to think about and reflect on what's happened. What does it feel like to them to make the effort and see their work pay off? What does it feel like to get good grades . . . . and also to learn new things, to walk into class prepared, or just plain not have to worry about rolling the dice or getting a bad grade etc. anymore. Those are INTERNAL motivators -- their feelings, their pleasure at mastering something, taking comfort in being prepared, feeling relaxed and confident about school, etc.

If they can recognize what THEY value about doing well in school and tap into that, they'll be in a great position going forward. And you could put that money into their college fund.

Here's some more info on the subject:

http://www.personalizelearning.com/2016/03/continuum-of-motivation-moving-from.html

https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/02/motivating-teenagers-how-do-you-do-it.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201005/motivating-your-adolescent-perform

http://garygilles.com/blog/motivating-adolescents-helping-your-teen-toward-responsible-choices-2/

https://thefourthrevolution.org/wordpress/archives/2225

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you paying them for each A they get?

OP here. It is embarrassing. It was $10 an A!!! I know that it is ridiculous, but I honestly didn't think they were capable. I saw only one or two low As per marking period before the deal. Now, we owe my son $300 for this marking period alone. My daughter is due more than that, she squeezes out As now like she is printing money.

Move to quarterly grades. Max would be $70 per quarter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flame me if you must, but I was desperate two years ago. My kids had no motivation to do well and got horrific grades (even a B in PE, Cs abd Ds in everything else), so I resorted to paying them for every A they got on a test. That seemed cheaper than the tutors and more peaceful than the yelling about completing homework and tasks. Overnight, they started to get a ton of As. One child is a straight A student and the other is likely to get there too. (ages 13, 14 now).
How do I gently let them down? I simply can't afford to keep paying them, plus the values are out of whack.
I am thinking of telling them that the A money was simply to show them that they could do better. Now, I know that they can do well, so I expect good results?

What? OP, you started something that you can't afford? That's on YOU. Bad financial decision! Keep your promise.

And I think it's fine to pay kids for grades because in the real world, you get compensated for good work. You don't just get an A for an A's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you paying them for each A they get?

OP here. It is embarrassing. It was $10 an A!!! I know that it is ridiculous, but I honestly didn't think they were capable. I saw only one or two low As per marking period before the deal. Now, we owe my son $300 for this marking period alone. My daughter is due more than that, she squeezes out As now like she is printing money.

This made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the great chuckle!

I didn't finish the thread yet, but I wanted to suggest that you could do a combination of paying for larger chunks of work (quarter grades, then eventually aggregate GPA), and splitting the payment between cash in hand and "savings" for college (which could just be a running tally in a spreadsheet.)

[Anonymous]

How much are you paying? Pay for only quarter end final grade. Pay $5 per subject.

[Anonymous]

Happened to us too. Told DS sophomore year he'd get $100 for straight As each advisory. He's now a senior and has received an A in every class (APs included) since. It was worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you paying them for each A they get?

OP here. It is embarrassing. It was $10 an A!!! I know that it is ridiculous, but I honestly didn't think they were capable. I saw only one or two low As per marking period before the deal. Now, we owe my son $300 for this marking period alone. My daughter is due more than that, she squeezes out As now like she is printing money.

It's not embarassing. You made the best decision you could think of at the time. And it worked out well.

The key how is to talk with them about it honestly and openly. You want to help them transition from working hard because of EXTERNAL motivation (money from you) and instead to working hard because of INTERNAL motivation (because it feels good to them for one or more reasons.)

The key here is NOT to tell they why you decided to pay them in the first place (because you didn't think they were capable . . . ouch!!), but instead to tell them you're proud of them for making more of an effort! And then ask them how they feel -- are they proud of themselves, too?

That's really the next step -- bring THEM into the process. Ask them questions and get them to think about and reflect on what's happened. What does it feel like to them to make the effort and see their work pay off? What does it feel like to get good grades . . . . and also to learn new things, to walk into class prepared, or just plain not have to worry about rolling the dice or getting a bad grade etc. anymore. Those are INTERNAL motivators -- their feelings, their pleasure at mastering something, taking comfort in being prepared, feeling relaxed and confident about school, etc.

If they can recognize what THEY value about doing well in school and tap into that, they'll be in a great position going forward. And you could put that money into their college fund.

Here's some more info on the subject:

http://www.personalizelearning.com/2016/03/continuum-of-motivation-moving-from.html

https://slate.com/human-interest/2014/02/motivating-teenagers-how-do-you-do-it.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201005/motivating-your-adolescent-perform

http://garygilles.com/blog/motivating-adolescents-helping-your-teen-toward-responsible-choices-2/

https://thefourthrevolution.org/wordpress/archives/2225

Wow. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Tell them you're putting $$$ toward college. Then do it as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you paying them for each A they get?

OP here. It is embarrassing. It was $10 an A!!! I know that it is ridiculous, but I honestly didn't think they were capable. I saw only one or two low As per marking period before the deal. Now, we owe my son $300 for this marking period alone. My daughter is due more than that, she squeezes out As now like she is printing money.

This made me laugh out loud! Thanks for the great chuckle!

I didn't finish the thread yet, but I wanted to suggest that you could do a combination of paying for larger chunks of work (quarter grades, then eventually aggregate GPA), and splitting the payment between cash in hand and "savings" for college (which could just be a running tally in a spreadsheet.)

DH already modified, without speaking to me first. Unit tests with an A grade get more than the $10. He didn't realize that I was actually trying to ramp down. He likes the fact that he can be hands off with school now. My two kids are looking like traders on the stock market floor, giddy with money, and I cringe a little. Agree with your suggestion about them saving. DD has been at the mall every weekend, and that has to stop.