If you’re an woman w/ horrible relationship w/mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say it's horrible, but it's strained in some ways. My mom is, in many ways, a tortured person. She is a lifelong Catholic who has completely embraced the Catholic guilt--she always says "I know am a deeply flawed person" and fully believes that everyone will be asked to answer for their life in front of God after death.

She wasn't treated well as a kid and has a mentally ill brother who took up her parents' emotional energy, leaving her to basically raise herself. I think she has undiagnosed anxiety issues--she'll wake up in the middle of the night worrying about things.

That said, she worked her butt off to try to be a good mom for my sister and me. In many ways she has been a good mom, but her anxiety and hypercritical nature can be completely exhausting.

I used to resent these things in her, but at this point I just feel sorry for her and hope that one day she can find peace.

You are a kind daughter.

[Anonymous]

So glad I am not alone! Mother is a narcissistic, bipolar head case. Never has anything nice to say about anyone, creates drama whenever and wherever she can, and is exhausting to rationalize with. Refuses to accept any responsibility for her actions and blames everyone around her. Does not have one healthy relationship in her life. Nothing is ever good enough, my sibling and I have distanced ourselves to the point we speak twice a year maybe. Its very sad but there is no changing her and we are getting too old to keep playing into the cycle. Nothing will change until she decides she has a problem and unfortunately I never see the day coming..

[Anonymous]

I feel like my mother didn’t try her best to protect me from things when I was younger. She was never home because she worked 2 jobs, she allowed my dad to treat her like garbage. I just lost respect for her. Our relationship is a lot better now that I’m an adult with my own family. I think it’s mostly better because I only see or talk to her about every 2 weeks and see her maybe once a month for less than an hour.

[Anonymous]

I think my mom is secretly jealous of me an only child although my dad isn't particularly affectionate towards me. I think he's always loved me however and she knew that and they had so many issues it contributed to her feelings toward me. We're also alike in a lot of ways I'm fed her daughter! So there's personality issues there too. I think that it's just complex altogether but some of it is just her - she's a bit crazy - too full of pride and a bit narcissistic to boot. Growing up I have some good memories and her talent is amazing in so many regards. There have been years we've stopped talking however but the longest was after my wedding. Starting from age 33 or so thongs fell apart and I Gabe maybe talked to her 3-4x throughout the past 12 years. She hasn't met either of my kids but I know she'd love to. The biggest current issue is that she's waiting for an invitation from me and her attitude is all about what we can do for her. She's just nuts there's no reasonable actions with her is the problem. It's impossible to forgive her for anything since the reality is she's living in her own dream world where she's the only one who matters. It's sad and I miss having a mom esp the one I remember her as and I'm sad for my kids of course. I have a boy and a girl who is soon age 7. We are unbelievable close and I'm ever grateful for this. My mom really exerted her power over me and I am very attuned to not do same with my kids. I think you're either super close or super bad with your mom as a girl but unsure why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mother is a narcissist with low-level depression and high anxiety who refuses to acknowledge any of those or get professional treatment. In the past when a sibling tried to have reasonable, non-hostile conversations with her about her behavior she got defensive and sarcastic about it, dismissing the concerns altogether.

Got tired of her constant need for adulation without giving any in return, so I stopped giving it to her. Got tired of acting as her therapist, refused to give her the emotional support she constantly asked for, instead gave her neutral advice on her problems that she didn't want to hear. She is a black/white thinker who gets mad when I don't automatically agree with her points of view on things and instead offer a different view. She pulled some awful, selfish stunts during some extremely stressful times for my family with no thought about what I was trying to cope with, and I just decided I didn't need to put up with that anymore. We still visit twice a year (she lives far away), but deciding not to call her other than on holidays/birthdays was the best thing I ever did for my mental health. Truly. I am a better parent to my own kids because I am not constantly dealing with the emotional anguish of having spent an hour listening to my mother on the phone.

But does she still call you? Or did she stop too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mother is a narcissist with low-level depression and high anxiety who refuses to acknowledge any of those or get professional treatment. In the past when a sibling tried to have reasonable, non-hostile conversations with her about her behavior she got defensive and sarcastic about it, dismissing the concerns altogether.

Got tired of her constant need for adulation without giving any in return, so I stopped giving it to her. Got tired of acting as her therapist, refused to give her the emotional support she constantly asked for, instead gave her neutral advice on her problems that she didn't want to hear. She is a black/white thinker who gets mad when I don't automatically agree with her points of view on things and instead offer a different view. She pulled some awful, selfish stunts during some extremely stressful times for my family with no thought about what I was trying to cope with, and I just decided I didn't need to put up with that anymore. We still visit twice a year (she lives far away), but deciding not to call her other than on holidays/birthdays was the best thing I ever did for my mental health. Truly. I am a better parent to my own kids because I am not constantly dealing with the emotional anguish of having spent an hour listening to my mother on the phone.

But does she still call you? Or did she stop too!

Sorry, that was meant to be a question mark. Wondering if she reaches out to you or has accepted limited contact.

[Anonymous]

It was rocky while I was growing up because she resented that my dad and I got along and then she always picked my brother's side against me in every little thing, but the last straw was when she told me while drunk that she wished I had never been born. She doesn't remember saying it, but I'll never forget it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say it's horrible, but it's strained in some ways. My mom is, in many ways, a tortured person. She is a lifelong Catholic who has completely embraced the Catholic guilt--she always says "I know am a deeply flawed person" and fully believes that everyone will be asked to answer for their life in front of God after death.

She wasn't treated well as a kid and has a mentally ill brother who took up her parents' emotional energy, leaving her to basically raise herself. I think she has undiagnosed anxiety issues--she'll wake up in the middle of the night worrying about things.

That said, she worked her butt off to try to be a good mom for my sister and me. In many ways she has been a good mom, but her anxiety and hypercritical nature can be completely exhausting.

I used to resent these things in her, but at this point I just feel sorry for her and hope that one day she can find peace.

You are a kind daughter.

+1

I wish I could be kinder about my mom's shortcomings but I just can't. I've taken the selfish route and set up boundaries to protect myself. I do consider myself an overall compassionate and understanding person, but I find that I just can't get over what my mom has done. Probably because she doesn't think she's done anything wrong. But I should still be the bigger person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The constant message during my childhood that I was a burden and she couldn't wait till I moved out. The overall emotional neglect and lack of support during my childhood and teen years. Having, then and now, to be constantly on eggshells around her and to prioritize her emotional needs and not upset her. The excessive focus on my (always flawed) appearance and weight over my health and well-being.

I left as young as I could (17), became completely financially independent at 20, put in 20 years of being a good daughter with regular calls and visits. Now I check in once or twice a year but that's it.

I could have written this myself. It took a long time to let go of my hope for her to be the mother I always wanted her to be.