If you’re an woman w/ horrible relationship w/mom

[Anonymous]

She prefers my sister and ignores me and my family at family functions to gush over my sister. She recently bought them a car. She calls me weird and a weirdo and last year she left the Xmas gifts I gave her behind at my house because they were wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did that happen? What about your mother caused it?

Neglectful and narcissistic mother. Caused by my mother's possible childhood abuse, and physical and emotional abuse as an adult. Victims often become abusers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did that happen? What about your mother caused it?

Neglectful and narcissistic mother. Caused by my mother's possible childhood abuse, and physical and emotional abuse as an adult. Victims often become abusers.

+1. Mom has borderline and narcissistic tendencies, had a bad relationship with her own mother, from whom she inherited low self esteem and inability to be a rational adult. She got pregnant with me accidentally in her late teens and used it to move out and marry her high school boyfriend who turned out to be an alcoholic. I was raised by extended family because at 18 last thing she wanted or needed was a baby. She never warmed up to me, when I visit, instead of "It's nice to see you" I get "Oh, what's in that bag?" (with gifts for her). She is also pathologically greedy and overbearing. Also I gradually realized that she is not very intelligent - if she were at least fake-nice to me, things would be a lot better for her. I think that lack of self awareness is the biggest problem in my family of origin. She is very critical and vocal about it, "I am only telling the truth", but is very sensitive to anything she perceives as criticisms - yet she doesn't see a connection. I try to do better, but it's an uphill road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hypercritical and negative”

This is something I REALLY have to watch for myself.

Me too, because that is how I was raised. My mom really wanted us to be close, but only if I was more like her. She also made it clear that I was not thin enough. Even to this day she can't resist looking at the size labels in my clothing and commenting on food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd say it is HORRIBLE but it is not that great. And not likely to improve. We have times when we're totally fine with each other but I don't trust her.

She was kind of emotionally abusive while I was a kid. I think she has borderline personality disorder. It means that she is very afraid of me abandoning her so is frequently creating dramatic scenarios where she needs me so I can't leave. I would never leave forever, but I do not like drama so am constantly anxious around her.

She also never asks about me with the intention of knowing anything about me. She is always waiting for her turn to talk. And making underhanded comments about my choices. But not really caring to know why I made them etc. She frequently creates a rotating family feud and tries to rally troops to her side and wants to spend all her time talking to you about that.

So a lifetime of sustained behavior that shows that she really only cares about herself and is willing to be destructive towards loved ones in order to create a 'best' environment for her.

Very similar situation. I was unaware until I became a mom myself that I was not the problem. Now I’m able to see what she’s doing to other people, too. She was so very horrible to other people at Thanksgiving. The worst is that she will yell for twenty minutes straight when she feels she is winning, but the first point you make that she thinks might refute her, she claims she’s too upset to talk about it anymore.

[Anonymous]

My mother leans on me emotionally so much, I cannot bear it. She always wants to talk, this means her discussing her insecurities and me giving her support and encouragement.


I have had numerous talks with her where I said I am the daughter and she is the mother in the relationship, that she should not be always leaning on me, but she just cannot help herself. She is needy and insecure, but does not believe she needs professional help.


I just try to tell her I love her, but I am not her therapist, act neutral and change the subject. This eats up so much emotional energy.



She thinks we have a good relationship and only wishes we could talk more...

[Anonymous]

My mother is mentally ill. She was both physically and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood. As a teenager, she allowed her husband to emotionally abuse me, and to have questionable boundaries with me. I could forgive her if she would acknowledge that it was wrong and that she just didn’t know better, or lacked the tools to be a better parent. Instead, she gaslights, “these things never happened” or I “remember it wrong” , or she “doesn’t remember”.

She also didn’t stop being abusive. A couple of years back she threatened to “knock my teeth out” over a perceived disrespect in front of my husband and toddler.

I know a lot of the behavior is due to her illness, so I try and try to be understanding, but I need to keep her at arm’s length for my own sanity and well being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She prefers my sister and ignores me and my family at family functions to gush over my sister. She recently bought them a car. She calls me weird and a weirdo and last year she left the Xmas gifts I gave her behind at my house because they were wrong.

My mother is similar. I was ignored through most of my childhood and she stood by and watched my father be abusive. She talks to me occasionally but it’s always just a bridge to some other conversation about her. She is proud of my achievements but hates my personality.

[Anonymous]

Not horrible, but certainly fraught and I maintain my distance.

As a child, she called me a bitch to my face more times than I can count. Her favorite way to insult me was to say, in the most condescending way possible, "you're just like your father!" (Who she is still married to! Who has a doctorate in chemistry!)

She twists the truth constantly. I believe that she believes these lies. But they're not the truth. It's exhausting to listen to her spin, embellish, and occasionally tell outright falsehoods all the time. And don't you dare even attempt to gently correct the record.

She's a relentless gossip and a "me monster." I suppose that is related to the above. Anything you tell her will promptly be broadcast to the entire east coast, and even better if she can somehow make it all about her.

There's plenty more I could write.

My mom is deeply insecure and that's how she handles it. But the cost is a meaningful relationship with me (I believe she is closer to my brothers for a variety of reasons). I'm not even sure she's aware how distant we are--in her head, she's the greatest mom ever and so close to her children and she tells everyone that.

[Anonymous]

My mother loves me very much. She has anxiety and a little OCD. But she has this vision in her head about who I should be, what I should do. And she can’t get away from it. I’m too fat (and I was at 100lbs) and my house is too dirty. And every negative thought about me that goes through her head, she has to tell me. (Or she’ll bite her tongue and it all comes out in a giant blow up fight).

She doesn’t understand when she says “I tell you over and over again to do (or not do) XYZ, and you never listen”, that she is the problem, not me. If you’ve been telling me for 25 years and I still don’t do it that way, maybe you need to accept the situation as is and move on.

I know she loves me. But I just wished she would love and ACCEPT me, just the way I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is mentally ill. She was both physically and emotionally abusive throughout my childhood. As a teenager, she allowed her husband to emotionally abuse me, and to have questionable boundaries with me. I could forgive her if she would acknowledge that it was wrong and that she just didn’t know better, or lacked the tools to be a better parent. Instead, she gaslights, “these things never happened” or I “remember it wrong” , or she “doesn’t remember”.

She also didn’t stop being abusive. A couple of years back she threatened to “knock my teeth out” over a perceived disrespect in front of my husband and toddler.

I know a lot of the behavior is due to her illness, so I try and try to be understanding, but I need to keep her at arm’s length for my own sanity and well being.

Mine, too. She can recall my every alleged transgression or failure, but anything else her memory is non-existing or something actually impossible. I actually emailed a company once to confirm that they did not have a location at a particular mall just to prove she was wrong. She would not capitulate and claimed I faked the email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my parents were abusive, but my Dad worked a lot of hours so my mom was around for most of it.

I have two brothers, but my parents were a lot harder on me. My mom even told me that she was intentionally harder on me because "the world isn't fair to women, so you need to get used to it now."

Now that we are all adults, my parents (especially my mom) strongly favors the youngest brother. My other brother and I discuss it a lot, and even other relatives (aunts, cousins, etc.) have noted how obsessed my mom is with her "gold child."

I could have written this myself except that both the golden child and the other brother think I did not get mistreated or abused.

[Anonymous]

Incessant controlling and suffocating behavior.

When I was 5, my mom bought my first and only doll. It was a lovely pink doll that came in a plastic bag. She would not let me take it out of the bag, insisting that I play with it with the bag on, so it would stay pristine. When she was not looking I tore open the top of the bag and took the doll out. When she found out she put it back in the bag and tied the top really tight. I then tore the bottom. She of course tied the bottom up. So I tore the whole bag to pieces. After that she finally gave up. I've always been good with taking care of my stuff, and years later when I gave that doll to a cousin it was still in very good condition. Too bad she didn't trust me at all. And it's been the same pattern my whole life. Looking back I know she had untreated mental issues; I loved her dearly as she did me, but life with her was insufferable.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say it's horrible, but it's strained in some ways. My mom is, in many ways, a tortured person. She is a lifelong Catholic who has completely embraced the Catholic guilt--she always says "I know am a deeply flawed person" and fully believes that everyone will be asked to answer for their life in front of God after death.

She wasn't treated well as a kid and has a mentally ill brother who took up her parents' emotional energy, leaving her to basically raise herself. I think she has undiagnosed anxiety issues--she'll wake up in the middle of the night worrying about things.

That said, she worked her butt off to try to be a good mom for my sister and me. In many ways she has been a good mom, but her anxiety and hypercritical nature can be completely exhausting.

I used to resent these things in her, but at this point I just feel sorry for her and hope that one day she can find peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I'd say it is HORRIBLE but it is not that great. And not likely to improve. We have times when we're totally fine with each other but I don't trust her.

She was kind of emotionally abusive while I was a kid. I think she has borderline personality disorder. It means that she is very afraid of me abandoning her so is frequently creating dramatic scenarios where she needs me so I can't leave. I would never leave forever, but I do not like drama so am constantly anxious around her.

She also never asks about me with the intention of knowing anything about me. She is always waiting for her turn to talk. And making underhanded comments about my choices. But not really caring to know why I made them etc. She frequently creates a rotating family feud and tries to rally troops to her side and wants to spend all her time talking to you about that.

So a lifetime of sustained behavior that shows that she really only cares about herself and is willing to be destructive towards loved ones in order to create a 'best' environment for her.

Very similar situation. I was unaware until I became a mom myself that I was not the problem. Now I’m able to see what she’s doing to other people, too. She was so very horrible to other people at Thanksgiving. The worst is that she will yell for twenty minutes straight when she feels she is winning, but the first point you make that she thinks might refute her, she claims she’s too upset to talk about it anymore.

Ugh yes this is the worst. As soon as she starts to think you might have more information on something than she does she will pivot to some other, inflammatory topic.