Getting smushed in the sandwich

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP, but being there for your Mom is just as important. Its when you are taken for granted by your sibs that it really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, and yes, you are teaching your kids to take care of their elders. But it's totally tough!

My mom is 92 and has been in need of care since 1998. Right now, after almost dying, she just got out of the hospital, and lives 2 hours away--just far enough to get to but takes up my whole day. Meanwhile my next door neighbor's husband has Alzheimer's and she just went into the hospital. And the kids' old babysitter just had a triple bypass and is in another hospital. Every hospital is 30min-2 hours away, before even parking the car. I feel so jammed, and two of these situations have been going on for so long.

It's hard to do the whole "self-care" thing but try to, OP. And in my book, "self-care" does not mean "go for a run" because for me, that's not fun. (although it's good for you, of course). I mean, something you like to do--for me it's gardening, or getting coffee with a friend.

I learned a cute but helpful saying--my little mantra:

To be happy, you need three things:

Someone to love
Something to do,
and something to look forward to

So just find something small to look forward to, every day, OP! I've been sandwiched now for 16 years. When my teens were little, it was one piece of my favorite chocolate and a cup of tea, when they both went for a nap. Bliss!

So in my usual day, I'll find something small like that to look forward to, and then something to look forward to for maybe the next day...so right now, I'm thinking sushi for lunch, and meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow.

And it will pass, OP. The kids will be in college, and our loving elders will die. Part of "looking forward to something" is thinking about what we'll do with all that extra time once we get it.

Thank you - I wish you the best. It is certainly a big boat we are all in

Ironically, I do go for a run almost every day. I have plenty of time for myself and am much less stressed than when the kids were little. It is just this one conflict that is really getting to me, I think because I am so frustrated with my siblings and their hands off approach.

I can sympathize. It’s hard to understand how some adult children have no sense of responsibility to their elderly parents, especially when the parents were loving and attentive. I could understand if the parents were abusive, but not if there was a good relationship. My brother ran at the first signs that our Dad needed help.

[Anonymous]

I sometimes wonder if my sibling's emotional development never advanced to accepting the parent-child role switch. She has a total aversion to even the occasional visit much less assisting once in a while.

[Anonymous]

OP here with a happy update. I called the doctor one last time at 6 last night and they had a cancellation for this morning! So I was able to take my mom this morning and then make it to the game just before it started. My daughter wasn’t as excited about me being there as I would have thought, but I was happy to be there. And they won, which was an added bonus.

It’s not very often that things work out perfectly so I’m happy. Thanks again to everyone for the encouragement.

As for my siblings and their lack of involvement, that’s a long story for a different day...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with a happy update. I called the doctor one last time at 6 last night and they had a cancellation for this morning! So I was able to take my mom this morning and then make it to the game just before it started. My daughter wasn’t as excited about me being there as I would have thought, but I was happy to be there. And they won, which was an added bonus.

It’s not very often that things work out perfectly so I’m happy. Thanks again to everyone for the encouragement.

As for my siblings and their lack of involvement, that’s a long story for a different day...

Oh OP, I'm so happy for you! (I was the one who suggested FaceTime.) YAY!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with a happy update. I called the doctor one last time at 6 last night and they had a cancellation for this morning! So I was able to take my mom this morning and then make it to the game just before it started. My daughter wasn’t as excited about me being there as I would have thought, but I was happy to be there. And they won, which was an added bonus.

It’s not very often that things work out perfectly so I’m happy. Thanks again to everyone for the encouragement.

As for my siblings and their lack of involvement, that’s a long story for a different day...

Oh OP, I'm so happy for you! (I was the one who suggested FaceTime.) YAY!!!!

WONDERFUL news OP!! Please remind yourself of the bolded the next time you beat yourself up. Still glad you got to go and they won!

[Anonymous]

I think there’s got to be another way that you can be there for your daughter instead of for your mother.
ask your other siblings to come in and take your mother.
it’s that important That you don’t shortchange your kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I played three sports in high school. My mother came to almost every game and was generally incredibly supportive.

I don't remember any senior nights and if she was there or not. I'd assume yes, but maybe not. In general she was there a lot, but not always.

I do remember her taking extreme loving care of both my grandmothers. I hope I can do as good a job when my time comes to step up.

Sports and award ceremonies don't take precedence over someone's health. Your daughter is old enough to learn that.

I agree that this doctor's appointment needs to come first.

Like you, I am a working mom with teenage children. I don't have ailing parents as my parents are in good health in their late 70's, but I sometimes have to miss special kid events because of work travel. Same for my husband. It's just unavoidable sometimes, and I try not to get worked up about it. I try not to get bitter about my job.

I'm sure that, if your mom knew what you were missing, she would feel terrible and not want you to miss it.

I'd just do it, and not have too much of a pity party for yourself, as you truly are setting a good example for your children (so long as you're not whining to them about it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here with a happy update. I called the doctor one last time at 6 last night and they had a cancellation for this morning! So I was able to take my mom this morning and then make it to the game just before it started. My daughter wasn’t as excited about me being there as I would have thought, but I was happy to be there. And they won, which was an added bonus.

It’s not very often that things work out perfectly so I’m happy. Thanks again to everyone for the encouragement.

As for my siblings and their lack of involvement, that’s a long story for a different day...

Oh OP, I'm so happy for you! (I was the one who suggested FaceTime.) YAY!!!!

Thanks again - I was going to FaceTime if I didn’t make it.