Getting smushed in the sandwich

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, a bit related, a story for you ... one time when my ILs were adamant that DH & I not come to help them, we said, "please allow us to show our children how we want to be treated when we are older"

I agree w/pp that this is a "teaching" opportunity and you don't have to teach. It just is. It's very powerful. You couldn't ask for a more powerful lesson.

This kind of attitude did a reverse for me: I rarely accept help. The lesson learned is never to be dependent on children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have small children and my mom recently died after a long illness. It was so so hard and my own health suffered. Pls also find time for yourself. I’m sorry you are missing your dd’s event. If it’s not important for you to be at the appointment, you can hire a medical aide to take her and talk to the doctor via phone.

I would consider this IF the daughter's event is something both you and she think is important. If there is any alternative to crying over missing your kids' event, you should at least consider it. Your mom has health problems, but isn't dying, so you may have many more years of figuring this out.

This, from the way you described the situation I would prioritize being there for my daughter’s event. Surely your mother has a neighbor/family friend or barring that a hired professional who can accompany her to the appointment on this occasion if she can’t go alone?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible for your daughter to FaceTime you (just have her phone out somehow) while she and Dad are walking onto the field?

I'm going to be doing senior night with my daughter this Friday and understand how you're feeling!

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

OP here - my father died last year and had a wonderful caregiver who my mother loves. When she’s free she takes my mom to appointments. However she is not available for this one. There is no one else here can think of. My mom does go to most appointments by herself but for this one someomust go with her. As I said in my initial post, there is no solution but for me to go. I accept that but still feel frustrated about it. Sorry for venting. I was worked up about it last night. I know we all have our own issues to deal with and I’ll get over it. Thanks for the positive, non-judgy responses. It helps to know that others are in the same boat. This sandwich generation issue really stinks but I’m grateful I still have my mom here and 3 (sometimes) awesome kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for your daughter to FaceTime you (just have her phone out somehow) while she and Dad are walking onto the field?

I'm going to be doing senior night with my daughter this Friday and understand how you're feeling!

Good luck to you!

Good idea - one of the non-senior moms is going to do that. I will hopefully be en route by that time - have to drive from Bethesda to Baltimore to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are showing your children what life is all about. Your husband will be at the game and your daughter (and your husband) will be very proud of her mother for being a good daughter. This is a teaching moment for your children about how you deal with priorities and trade-offs. You have the ability to turn what you view as a negative into a real positive.

Thank you. I am just tired that my kids get the short end of the stick.

I understand your point but they are seeing what being a mom and a daughter is all about. If you get the opportunity, some time take one of your kids with you to help your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are showing your children what life is all about. Your husband will be at the game and your daughter (and your husband) will be very proud of her mother for being a good daughter. This is a teaching moment for your children about how you deal with priorities and trade-offs. You have the ability to turn what you view as a negative into a real positive.

Thank you. I am just tired that my kids get the short end of the stick.

I understand your point but they are seeing what being a mom and a daughter is all about. If you get the opportunity, some time take one of your kids with you to help your mother.

OP here - at least one of my kids comes with me to visit every week. They are close to her. Other than her health issues, she is totally with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read all the posts and will try not to repeat. Just want to say I totally get it and my heart goes out to you. In this case, there was no alternative. I know people mean well, but for some reason I am always surprised when people suggest something like "can a neighbor go?" Most people's neighbors are not sitting arounf at home with nothing to do. I would never impose on my parent's neighbors because I want them to keep enjoying neighborly harmony.

I am glad to hear there is a caregiver you can hire sometimes even if she is not available this time. Wonderful that you already have a great connection with her since she took excellent care of your father.

It's so hard. Some days the sandwich is more of a panini...one that is too smushed and burned.

Sounds like you are making the best of a challenging situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read all the posts and will try not to repeat. Just want to say I totally get it and my heart goes out to you. In this case, there was no alternative. I know people mean well, but for some reason I am always surprised when people suggest something like "can a neighbor go?" Most people's neighbors are not sitting arounf at home with nothing to do. I would never impose on my parent's neighbors because I want them to keep enjoying neighborly harmony.

I am glad to hear there is a caregiver you can hire sometimes even if she is not available this time. Wonderful that you already have a great connection with her since she took excellent care of your father.

It's so hard. Some days the sandwich is more of a panini...one that is too smushed and burned.

Sounds like you are making the best of a challenging situation.

OP here - thanks. I like the panini analogy!

My mom is in a senior community- independent living but there are very few neighbors who have cars (or should be driving.) And it’s very transient as people are constantly moving in or out as their health declines. It’s not a traditional neighborhood in that regard. My mom likes it but I wish she lived closer.

I just called the doctor again - still no cancellations but the receptionist told me to keep calling. I’ll keep trying. I’m also praying for rain tomorrow so that the game is postponed.

[Anonymous]

I played three sports in high school. My mother came to almost every game and was generally incredibly supportive.

I don't remember any senior nights and if she was there or not. I'd assume yes, but maybe not. In general she was there a lot, but not always.

I do remember her taking extreme loving care of both my grandmothers. I hope I can do as good a job when my time comes to step up.

Sports and award ceremonies don't take precedence over someone's health. Your daughter is old enough to learn that.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, and yes, you are teaching your kids to take care of their elders. But it's totally tough!

My mom is 92 and has been in need of care since 1998. Right now, after almost dying, she just got out of the hospital, and lives 2 hours away--just far enough to get to but takes up my whole day. Meanwhile my next door neighbor's husband has Alzheimer's and she just went into the hospital. And the kids' old babysitter just had a triple bypass and is in another hospital. Every hospital is 30min-2 hours away, before even parking the car. I feel so jammed, and two of these situations have been going on for so long.

It's hard to do the whole "self-care" thing but try to, OP. And in my book, "self-care" does not mean "go for a run" because for me, that's not fun. (although it's good for you, of course). I mean, something you like to do--for me it's gardening, or getting coffee with a friend.

I learned a cute but helpful saying--my little mantra:

To be happy, you need three things:

Someone to love
Something to do,
and something to look forward to

So just find something small to look forward to, every day, OP! I've been sandwiched now for 16 years. When my teens were little, it was one piece of my favorite chocolate and a cup of tea, when they both went for a nap. Bliss!

So in my usual day, I'll find something small like that to look forward to, and then something to look forward to for maybe the next day...so right now, I'm thinking sushi for lunch, and meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow.

And it will pass, OP. The kids will be in college, and our loving elders will die. Part of "looking forward to something" is thinking about what we'll do with all that extra time once we get it.

[Anonymous]

We had children late in life, so our children are ES age with 80-something and 90-something grandparents. Our children are much less independent than OP's so we definitely understand the smush. For us, it's harder because the parents do not live close by (my parents are in Florida and my MIL is in California).

We have trusted family friends that are younger (in their 50's and 60's) who live near our parents. These friends are retirees so on limited budgets. We pay for various luxuries for these friends who help us with things like doctor's appointments and shopping. Since they are retirees, they have the time and flexibility to take our parents to doctor's appointments and such, and being 20 years younger, they are still active and strong enough to handle these things as long as there aren't too many. In exchange, we pay for their cable packages and they have cell phones on our service. So they get new iPhones and family data packages with us, essentially unlimited data, calling and text. These are things that would be very difficult for them to afford on their limited means, so we pay those and they take the parents to and from the airport, a few doctor's appointments and grocery shopping once a week or so. It works out for us.

You might want to see if you can find friends of your mother like this who can help on an as needed basis that you can provide some luxury or pay some bills for them to help out with this type of support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I played three sports in high school. My mother came to almost every game and was generally incredibly supportive.

I don't remember any senior nights and if she was there or not. I'd assume yes, but maybe not. In general she was there a lot, but not always.

I do remember her taking extreme loving care of both my grandmothers. I hope I can do as good a job when my time comes to step up.

Sports and award ceremonies don't take precedence over someone's health. Your daughter is old enough to learn that.

Thank you for that - My daughter understands and gets it. I think I will be more upset and she has that I’m out there. I know I have to stop beating myself up because I do what I can and I or my husband or at most of the games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP, and yes, you are teaching your kids to take care of their elders. But it's totally tough!

My mom is 92 and has been in need of care since 1998. Right now, after almost dying, she just got out of the hospital, and lives 2 hours away--just far enough to get to but takes up my whole day. Meanwhile my next door neighbor's husband has Alzheimer's and she just went into the hospital. And the kids' old babysitter just had a triple bypass and is in another hospital. Every hospital is 30min-2 hours away, before even parking the car. I feel so jammed, and two of these situations have been going on for so long.

It's hard to do the whole "self-care" thing but try to, OP. And in my book, "self-care" does not mean "go for a run" because for me, that's not fun. (although it's good for you, of course). I mean, something you like to do--for me it's gardening, or getting coffee with a friend.

I learned a cute but helpful saying--my little mantra:

To be happy, you need three things:

Someone to love
Something to do,
and something to look forward to

So just find something small to look forward to, every day, OP! I've been sandwiched now for 16 years. When my teens were little, it was one piece of my favorite chocolate and a cup of tea, when they both went for a nap. Bliss!

So in my usual day, I'll find something small like that to look forward to, and then something to look forward to for maybe the next day...so right now, I'm thinking sushi for lunch, and meeting a friend for coffee tomorrow.

And it will pass, OP. The kids will be in college, and our loving elders will die. Part of "looking forward to something" is thinking about what we'll do with all that extra time once we get it.

Thank you - I wish you the best. It is certainly a big boat we are all in

Ironically, I do go for a run almost every day. I have plenty of time for myself and am much less stressed than when the kids were little. It is just this one conflict that is really getting to me, I think because I am so frustrated with my siblings and their hands off approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although your siblings are generally useless, could one of them go with your mom to the appointment just this once? Maybe the local sibling?

She is in non-communication mode and is not answering any calls or texts. This is typical.

I have one of those too! May be they are friends. I don't know what happened to her. She used to have this enormous heart and I think it withered. All she cares about now is taking care of herself... not parents, children, husband, siblings.