How do you handle inequality between cousins ?

[Anonymous]

Agree with all the PPs that this is life. Be thankful for the life you have.

[Anonymous]

I grew up this way... had cousins who were more well off, an aunt who stayed at home with them. You could tell that my grandmother, who absolutely loved us all equally, was so overjoyed to receive all of these amazing gifts from my aunt and uncle and I was jealous that we couldn't do that for her.

I grew up really resenting my parents while at family get togethers and I was very snobby. I loved my cousins but I always had a chip on my shoulder. On her wedding day, I told my cousin (in her wedding dress) that she looked "nice". I look back on it and am so mortified. Once I went to college I got my head out of my ass and my priorities straight. We're now all really close and our kids go to camp together. I have a lot of guilt about how I treated my parents and family during the teenage years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up this way... had cousins who were more well off, an aunt who stayed at home with them. You could tell that my grandmother, who absolutely loved us all equally, was so overjoyed to receive all of these amazing gifts from my aunt and uncle and I was jealous that we couldn't do that for her.

I grew up really resenting my parents while at family get togethers and I was very snobby. I loved my cousins but I always had a chip on my shoulder. On her wedding day, I told my cousin (in her wedding dress) that she looked "nice". I look back on it and am so mortified. Once I went to college I got my head out of my ass and my priorities straight. We're now all really close and our kids go to camp together. I have a lot of guilt about how I treated my parents and family during the teenage years.

Be kind to yourself and let it go. What you have done since you were a teenager is what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up this way... had cousins who were more well off, an aunt who stayed at home with them. You could tell that my grandmother, who absolutely loved us all equally, was so overjoyed to receive all of these amazing gifts from my aunt and uncle and I was jealous that we couldn't do that for her.

I grew up really resenting my parents while at family get togethers and I was very snobby. I loved my cousins but I always had a chip on my shoulder. On her wedding day, I told my cousin (in her wedding dress) that she looked "nice". I look back on it and am so mortified. Once I went to college I got my head out of my ass and my priorities straight. We're now all really close and our kids go to camp together. I have a lot of guilt about how I treated my parents and family during the teenage years.

Be kind to yourself and let it go. What you have done since you were a teenager is what matters.

+1 Forgive yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live a middle class life compared to our SIL who is upper middle class.

Our kids go to public, they go to private and she stays at home while my husband and I work.

I've never been about money but sometimes when our kids get together and talk about things, or our kids go to their house,
they make comments such as " L has a big pool, why can't we have that?"

OR when they went on a cruise, they go yearly---- our kids hear about it at family get togethers.

It's becoming obvious to them that their cousins have more resources due to my brother's job.

What do you say about these differences to your kids?..

we love what we do, money is not important to us and neither was it for my brother,
but he's compensated fairly well.

We live in the same city, but we do not always hangout.

Hi OP. I have two very wealthy siblings so I feel your stress here, very acutely. All of our kids are young yet, but mine are the eldest and have indeed started commenting on Uncle and Aunty’s big house etc. I am worried about where it will go too. No advice, just in a similar (scraggly) boat.

[Anonymous]

My brother is very wealthy (millions, multiple houses, etc) and we are upper middle class. My kids have never questioned it. They get confused about the living situation because of the split time between two residences but are pretty accepting when we just say they live in two places. We don't present anything as being weird and the kids don't seem to make any value judgments about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live a middle class life compared to our SIL who is upper middle class.

Our kids go to public, they go to private and she stays at home while my husband and I work.

I've never been about money but sometimes when our kids get together and talk about things, or our kids go to their house,
they make comments such as " L has a big pool, why can't we have that?"

OR when they went on a cruise, they go yearly---- our kids hear about it at family get togethers.

It's becoming obvious to them that their cousins have more resources due to my brother's job.

What do you say about these differences to your kids?..

we love what we do, money is not important to us and neither was it for my brother,
but he's compensated fairly well.

We live in the same city, but we do not always hangout.

BTDT and I would encourage you to let it go. My children are adults now, with families of their own and very accomplished academically and professionally in career fields they really wanted. They have each told us that they are so grateful that while we didn't have all the frills and expensive vacations that they believe, given the evidence, they really had the most loving and nurturing environment to grow up in. Did they have some jealousy growing up? Absolutely. But we never apologized for our station because we did above and beyond given what we had to work with and work against.

Also, FWIW, part of the reason we had less was because we chose to raise our children away from the area their cousins grew up in. We felt it wasn't the best environment to raise them in.

[Anonymous]

I always say that there will always be someone with more than you and probably always someone with less. You can spend your life comparing or you can enjoy what you have.

But Christmas is tough if you do Santa. It’s a little weird for some kids to get outrageous amounts and others to get very little. I have a sibling that makes the same amount as us but buys their kids just a ridiculous amount of crap for Christmas. I hated going there Christmas morning and having the kids show off to our kids everything “Santa” brought them because they were so good this year. If you’re going to spoil your kids, that’s fine, but own it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live a middle class life compared to our SIL who is upper middle class.

Our kids go to public, they go to private and she stays at home while my husband and I work.

I've never been about money but sometimes when our kids get together and talk about things, or our kids go to their house,
they make comments such as " L has a big pool, why can't we have that?"

OR when they went on a cruise, they go yearly---- our kids hear about it at family get togethers.

It's becoming obvious to them that their cousins have more resources due to my brother's job.

What do you say about these differences to your kids?..

we love what we do, money is not important to us and neither was it for my brother,
but he's compensated fairly well.

We live in the same city, but we do not always hangout.

I grew up truly poor around wealthier cousins- it was a big deal because my mom deferred to her older sister and so the family dynamic was that the cousins were better than us. It was incredibly toxic and obviously, I have some baggage

My advice from that experience is to appreciate your children's accomplishments, talk realistically about money (what it can provide and what it can't), and hold to your own family traditions. It's important to let your kids know that you love your careers and that not being wealthy was, in part, a choice. A job you love that provides "well enough" is a good life balance.

Your kids will grow up to decide what money means to them--my DS, for instance, is growing up be quite a money hoarder- but that's okay- his personality is entwined with collecting and accumulating (rocks, coins, trading cards, etc). I've explained that if he likes money and investing, there are careers for that.

[Anonymous]

Be confident in your own lifestyle. Cultivate a family culture. There are lots of activities you can take up that become definitional for your family. I know a family that is very middle class (at least by MoCo standards), but they all do jujitsu, have an amazing barista set up in their kitchen, etc. I have been around their children in the company of much wealthier kids and these children are so sure of their family’s uniqueness, specialness and importance that they don’t even seem to notice big houses, etc.

[Anonymous]

^^^^^ and if you can’t afford things that cost as much as jujitsu and a barista set up, pick hiking and cooking a particular cuisine. Activities don’t have to cost a lot of money. Just create a family culture - something that makes you special.

[Anonymous]

Tell your kids how lucky they are to have access to a pool that’s available when it’s 90 degrees in October! There friends must be so envious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your kids how lucky they are to have access to a pool that’s available when it’s 90 degrees in October! There friends must be so envious.

*Their

[Anonymous]

We have a similar dynamic with cousins.

My standard response is “yeah, they do have such a great pool/vacation/closet full of under armor. That would be fun to have, but we’ve got a nice home, great friends, means to do some cool stuff, so feel pretty lucky ourselves.”

It hasn’t been a big deal. I honestly believe though that money doesn’t buy happiness though once essentials are covered, so it’s easy to share that perspective with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you explain if your child's best friend happens to be the child of two doctors and they drive luxury cars and go on more vacations than you do?

You explain that different people choose different careers for many reasons. Some careers pay more than others and those who get paid more, have more money for things like private school, swimming pools and other luxuries. Your careers pay nice enough for your family to have a nice house, food on the table, and a pretty comfortable living, even if they don't pay enough for more luxuries like the cousins have.

Perhaps you need to get your child more involved with community service so that they can see those who have much less than you. I've worked in soup kitchens, shelters, and similar community service for decades in part to help those that have much less than me and to remind me just how fortunate I am to have my UMC life.

+1

OP, you're the adult. Get some perspective. Don't show your child how to be jealous and/or resentful. Otherwise, they will spend their life attracting other jealous/resentful people, and it will be a downward spiral.

Instead, show your child how great YOUR life is. Gratitude. Get some, practice it. Teach it. Throw some sacrifice in, while you are at it.