You were in love with someone post college, but the relationship did not result in a marriage...

[Anonymous]

My ex wasn't ready for commitment (2004) after 3 years of dating. When it was time to get serious and talk next steps, he broke it off as he didn't want end of divorced like his parents who married too young he thought. He was so scared that he'd end up heartbroken like his parents. He a thought that could we even understand love at the age of 23. He was constantly hot and cold. In sum - he was just immature.

Well, I got set up on a blind date a few years later and we immediately clicked (2007). Dated for 1.5 years and got engaged (2008). Of course I posted the news back then to facebook. The next day, there was a knock on my apt door and I found my ex standing on one knee begging me to marry him instead. He had driven 12 hours to come and profusely tell me how much he loved me. He told me he had bought the ring a while back and he had been waiting for my DH and I to break up on facebook so he could propose instead. He said I was making a mistake marrying my DH as we were true soul mates, etc. We had not spoken in 5 years. Of course I told him no; 1) I was no longer in love with him; 2) we haven't spoken in years; 3) how do I know he changed/wasn't immature once again we hadn't spoken; 4) a bit stalkerish for me as out of the blue.

I feel a bit bad for him as I heard he still talks about me to friends. He's unmarried for all I can tell. I do rarely wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed with him in 2004 and how much unhappier my life would have been over the last 15 years or so (definitely not when he proposed b/c it was too creepy).

[Anonymous]

We are still in touch, as we have the same circle of friends. I ended up leaving that city after the break-up to move to DC for grad school.

Why the breakup? We dated from age 21 to 27. We even got engaged. But then we grew apart when we went off to our respective grad schools in different cities that were a plane ride apart. The relationship did not survive the distance. And that's OK. We became much different people in adulthood, wanting different things.

She ended up marrying our mutual friend and they recently had a super cute baby. I recently got married. We still see each other at friends' events (birthdays, weddings, etc) and are very cordial. If anything, I'd say I'm a bit closer to her husband nowadays in terms of ease of banter and honestly discussing life topics (family deaths, being a good husband, etc.)

[Anonymous]

I wanted settle down - to get married and have kids. He wanted to continue living it up. I realized that he could not give me all that I needed in a relationship. We both ended up married with kids a few years later. He has since divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex wasn't ready for commitment (2004) after 3 years of dating. When it was time to get serious and talk next steps, he broke it off as he didn't want end of divorced like his parents who married too young he thought. He was so scared that he'd end up heartbroken like his parents. He a thought that could we even understand love at the age of 23. He was constantly hot and cold. In sum - he was just immature.

Well, I got set up on a blind date a few years later and we immediately clicked (2007). Dated for 1.5 years and got engaged (2008). Of course I posted the news back then to facebook. The next day, there was a knock on my apt door and I found my ex standing on one knee begging me to marry him instead. He had driven 12 hours to come and profusely tell me how much he loved me. He told me he had bought the ring a while back and he had been waiting for my DH and I to break up on facebook so he could propose instead. He said I was making a mistake marrying my DH as we were true soul mates, etc. We had not spoken in 5 years. Of course I told him no; 1) I was no longer in love with him; 2) we haven't spoken in years; 3) how do I know he changed/wasn't immature once again we hadn't spoken; 4) a bit stalkerish for me as out of the blue.

I feel a bit bad for him as I heard he still talks about me to friends. He's unmarried for all I can tell. I do rarely wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed with him in 2004 and how much unhappier my life would have been over the last 15 years or so (definitely not when he proposed b/c it was too creepy).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex wasn't ready for commitment (2004) after 3 years of dating. When it was time to get serious and talk next steps, he broke it off as he didn't want end of divorced like his parents who married too young he thought. He was so scared that he'd end up heartbroken like his parents. He a thought that could we even understand love at the age of 23. He was constantly hot and cold. In sum - he was just immature.

Well, I got set up on a blind date a few years later and we immediately clicked (2007). Dated for 1.5 years and got engaged (2008). Of course I posted the news back then to facebook. The next day, there was a knock on my apt door and I found my ex standing on one knee begging me to marry him instead. He had driven 12 hours to come and profusely tell me how much he loved me. He told me he had bought the ring a while back and he had been waiting for my DH and I to break up on facebook so he could propose instead. He said I was making a mistake marrying my DH as we were true soul mates, etc. We had not spoken in 5 years. Of course I told him no; 1) I was no longer in love with him; 2) we haven't spoken in years; 3) how do I know he changed/wasn't immature once again we hadn't spoken; 4) a bit stalkerish for me as out of the blue.

I feel a bit bad for him as I heard he still talks about me to friends. He's unmarried for all I can tell. I do rarely wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed with him in 2004 and how much unhappier my life would have been over the last 15 years or so (definitely not when he proposed b/c it was too creepy).

+1

You dated for three years, its not like he was a stranger!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex wasn't ready for commitment (2004) after 3 years of dating. When it was time to get serious and talk next steps, he broke it off as he didn't want end of divorced like his parents who married too young he thought. He was so scared that he'd end up heartbroken like his parents. He a thought that could we even understand love at the age of 23. He was constantly hot and cold. In sum - he was just immature.

Well, I got set up on a blind date a few years later and we immediately clicked (2007). Dated for 1.5 years and got engaged (2008). Of course I posted the news back then to facebook. The next day, there was a knock on my apt door and I found my ex standing on one knee begging me to marry him instead. He had driven 12 hours to come and profusely tell me how much he loved me. He told me he had bought the ring a while back and he had been waiting for my DH and I to break up on facebook so he could propose instead. He said I was making a mistake marrying my DH as we were true soul mates, etc. We had not spoken in 5 years. Of course I told him no; 1) I was no longer in love with him; 2) we haven't spoken in years; 3) how do I know he changed/wasn't immature once again we hadn't spoken; 4) a bit stalkerish for me as out of the blue.

I feel a bit bad for him as I heard he still talks about me to friends. He's unmarried for all I can tell. I do rarely wonder what would have happened if I would have stayed with him in 2004 and how much unhappier my life would have been over the last 15 years or so (definitely not when he proposed b/c it was too creepy).

+1

You dated for three years, its not like he was a stranger!

You wouldn't find it odd that someone you had not seen in 5 years shows up at your door to propose after seeing something on Facebook? Not OP, but I'd be freaked out even though yeah they're not a stranger but no longer talking.

[Anonymous]

Don't know if this counts, but my college sweetheart and I broke up for reasons I forget except that we were both young. We lived our lives, and reconnected many years later at a friend's funeral. We are in our 50s and getting married next month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We met at the very end of college, and it was immediate sparks. We got serious quickly and to this day he may well be the most influential person in my life. We were (obviously) young and both rather stubborn - especially early on - but we were extremely real with each other and enjoyed the heck out of doing pretty much anything together. Very, very compatible. But to be honest, I think we both had the general sentiment that a relationship wasn't supposed to be THAT serious at that point (22,23,24). We were very much in love but didn't trust that it could be "real" - you weren't supposed to find the person for you that young, if that makes sense? On my end that was influenced heavily by my parents (who liked him plenty, but had ALWAYS impressed upon me that it was important to explore and grow in your 20s, and not settle down "until at least your mid 20s". Looking back I'm not sure why I placed so much trust or importance in this, aside from just assuming they were older and wiser and knew what was best for me.) On his end, I think, it stemmed mostly just from the fact that he hadn't seen himself being on THAT track at such a young age - he definitely wanted marriage etc, but in his mind that was something you do in your 30s. So basically, we broke up when it kind of hit that point of get serious or bail. More specifically, he moved for a job and we tried long distance for awhile, but ultimately decided we shouldn't be wrapped up in that kind of commitment st our ages. He later cried and told me he'd wanted to ask me to move with him but didn't feel like he could; I have no idea if I would have (honestly, I know my parents would have been strongly against it and that probably would have been enough to stop me at that age), but certainly wasn't going to be the one to push it regardless. So we had a sad, drawn out, and somewhat dramatic breakup and then didn't talk for over 6 years.

We saw each other once when I was newly married to my husband, and happened to be in the same place (for a mutual friend's funeral, actually). When we hugged my knees went weak, my heart started pounding, and I felt like I'd just taken a hit of something intense - all jittery and alive. When we pulled away he just stared at me with an incredulous look on his face and shakily said something about 'wow, that was...quite a hug." All that to say, I know he felt it too. We caught up briefly and all those feelings came rushing back - it was way too easy to talk to him and I remembered (or recognized, really - as I attempted to describe above, I didn't truly appreciate the true rarity of what we had at the time we were together). He wanted to stay in touch and "be friends", but I recognized pretty quickly that only bad things and complicated feelings could come from that, so we don't stay in touch. We're not connected on social media or anything - no real good could come of it. I hear from him maybe once every 3 years - he'll send a 'happy birthday, hope you're great' or something of the sort. I respond but am careful to keep the conversation brief. I'm somewhat aware that there's something about the connection we have, and I know it would be too easy to get sucked in. I know for a fact he thinks about me wistfully, and of course I have similar feelings about him. He isn't married yet and I confess that i will feel a real twinge whenever that happens. Some little part of me will always love him (I am actually repeating exactly what he said to me with that), and he shows up in my dreams on a semi-regular basis even when we haven't talked in years. BUT, we don't talk because I know it would only complicate things and I don't want to put myself through that.

Bottom line: we met too damn young and we didn't trust it. I wouldn't say that I wish i'd ended up with him instead, necessarily - I have a wonderful marriage with an amazing husband who is, in many ways, a better matched partner for me in the long run. I have enough perspective to understand that part of what makes what we had feel so special is that it was short-lived and then it ended - the idea of us is all the sweeter in our minds for not having actually been lived. I'm truly in love with my husband, I love our life together and I would never throw it away for what might have been. But yes, sometimes I wonder...

PP do you think you'll eventually end up with him?

[Anonymous]

He broke up with me and came out of the closet. Really hurt my ego for a while.

[Anonymous]

Maturity. What I thought I wanted in a guy (spontaneity, impulsiveness, fun, exciting) wasn't exactly what I needed when it came time to pay bills, go to work every day and keep a roof over my head. Finding out that your sweetheart "impulsively" didn't go to work and lost his job or spent the rent money on concert tickets...no fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? What were the reasons unless there was abuse, cheating, or an addiction involved? Are you still in touch with that person?

He was just too indecisive and immature in terms of life experiences.

No not in contact, really don’t care and will prob see him at grad school reunion maybe.

[Anonymous]

College bf of 3 years broke up with me after graduation because I wasn’t Jewish and his father said they would not pay for med school if we continued seriously dating, got engaged or got married.

Not in touch and not in same city any longer. Ineoicallynge dated a Korean Christian woman after me and then “fell in line” after that.

[Anonymous]

I thought we were from 2 different worlds. His parents didn't even graduate highs cool and he was a tradesman. He also just didn't care about making money. A one bedroom in a shitty part of town was all he needed. I am not exaggerating or lying for this anonymous website when I say 17 years later he owns a plumbing company with 7 locations he owns and 22 more that he franchised out. And I looked up his address and he lives in a 940 sq ft house in the shitty side of town.

[Anonymous]

He was intelligent, loving, and had a killer bod. But also occasionally suffered from depression and social anxiety at a time when this was not as openly discused. It concerned me and I also felt that we grew up differently and a marriage would never work out.

Looked him up on Facebook and LinkedIn last year. He has done some interesting things in his career and his wife is a very nice looking woman. I am divorced but in this case, truly believe that some people are meant to be in your life for a relatively short time in your life, no matter the love. Marrying someone is often about timing.

[Anonymous]

Sally dear, people break up. Not every relationship, even serious ones, end in marriage. I, for one, wanted to sleep with more than one stupid guy before I was forever shackled to his penis. I do not regret the fun I had in between my serious college boyfriend and my husband. Those fun years in my 20s were totally worth it.