You were in love with someone post college, but the relationship did not result in a marriage...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sally dear, people break up. Not every relationship, even serious ones, end in marriage. I, for one, wanted to sleep with more than one stupid guy before I was forever shackled to his penis. I do not regret the fun I had in between my serious college boyfriend and my husband. Those fun years in my 20s were totally worth it.

Now there's an interesting visual.

[Anonymous]

I have two. Dated #1 from end of college through a few years out. Broke up because he was super independent—wanted to go on “adventures” and it didn’t hugely matter to him if I was along for the ride or not. (As compared to a partner who would enjoy planning and going on awesome trips together.) He wasn’t a flake. Very responsible and methodical, actually. But not a deep need to be partnered. I wanted to get married and also I wanted to be in a relationship that was more interdependent. So we split. Ten years later, he is still single and hasn’t dated much.

#2 I dated for 1.5 years. I loved him, but then I met the guy I ended up marrying and eventually realized I had to take a chance losing something really good if it meant a shot at something truly great. So I broke up with the boyfriend and started dating my now husband. Best decision I ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two. Dated #1 from end of college through a few years out. Broke up because he was super independent—wanted to go on “adventures” and it didn’t hugely matter to him if I was along for the ride or not. (As compared to a partner who would enjoy planning and going on awesome trips together.) He wasn’t a flake. Very responsible and methodical, actually. But not a deep need to be partnered. I wanted to get married and also I wanted to be in a relationship that was more interdependent. So we split. Ten years later, he is still single and hasn’t dated much.

#2 I dated for 1.5 years. I loved him, but then I met the guy I ended up marrying and eventually realized I had to take a chance losing something really good if it meant a shot at something truly great. So I broke up with the boyfriend and started dating my now husband. Best decision I ever made.

How did #2 take it? Is he married now?

[Anonymous]

He broke up with me and I was devastated. He had already figured out what he wanted to do with the rest of his life and had started on the path to get it and I was still feeling my way around life trying to figure out what I wanted to do. Like a PP I had learned that smart women didn't settle in their 20s and I never thought i should be getting married anytime in the near future. I continued to date lots and I didn't get married til mid-30s. He was always in the back of my mind as the path not taken. This year he got int touch with me on New Years Day and we have writing to each other. That has actually taken all the air out of the balloon so to speak because I know I have a far better husband than he would made. Which is not to say if we were both free I wouldn't want to see him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have two. Dated #1 from end of college through a few years out. Broke up because he was super independent—wanted to go on “adventures” and it didn’t hugely matter to him if I was along for the ride or not. (As compared to a partner who would enjoy planning and going on awesome trips together.) He wasn’t a flake. Very responsible and methodical, actually. But not a deep need to be partnered. I wanted to get married and also I wanted to be in a relationship that was more interdependent. So we split. Ten years later, he is still single and hasn’t dated much.

#2 I dated for 1.5 years. I loved him, but then I met the guy I ended up marrying and eventually realized I had to take a chance losing something really good if it meant a shot at something truly great. So I broke up with the boyfriend and started dating my now husband. Best decision I ever made.

How did #2 take it? Is he married now?

It was about 6 years ago that we broke up. He started dating another woman seriously maybe a half year later. I think they dated for a couple years, but have since broken up and I don’t think he’s seeing anyone now. After we broke up, he tackled a bunch of career-related goals that he’d been kind of lackadaisical about while we were together, and I get the sense he’s doing well professionally and has the career part of his life on track. He thought I was the one, so the break up was hard on him. We aren’t facebook friends, but we met for coffee once about two years after the breakup. We don’t live in the same state anymore. Didn’t get the sense the girlfriend that followed me was going to be it for him, but I hope he finds someone. He’s a great guy, and, had I not met my husband, I might have married him and been reasonably happy.

[Anonymous]

I loved him like no other. Unbeknown to me, he still had feelings for his college ex. Feelings that she shared and they eventually decided to reconnect, so I was cast aside. They've been married for 16 years now and have 3 kids. He has a successful medical practice. He has never regretted his decision. I, however, was devastated for years thereafter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We met at the very end of college, and it was immediate sparks. We got serious quickly and to this day he may well be the most influential person in my life. We were (obviously) young and both rather stubborn - especially early on - but we were extremely real with each other and enjoyed the heck out of doing pretty much anything together. Very, very compatible. But to be honest, I think we both had the general sentiment that a relationship wasn't supposed to be THAT serious at that point (22,23,24). We were very much in love but didn't trust that it could be "real" - you weren't supposed to find the person for you that young, if that makes sense? On my end that was influenced heavily by my parents (who liked him plenty, but had ALWAYS impressed upon me that it was important to explore and grow in your 20s, and not settle down "until at least your mid 20s". Looking back I'm not sure why I placed so much trust or importance in this, aside from just assuming they were older and wiser and knew what was best for me.) On his end, I think, it stemmed mostly just from the fact that he hadn't seen himself being on THAT track at such a young age - he definitely wanted marriage etc, but in his mind that was something you do in your 30s. So basically, we broke up when it kind of hit that point of get serious or bail. More specifically, he moved for a job and we tried long distance for awhile, but ultimately decided we shouldn't be wrapped up in that kind of commitment st our ages. He later cried and told me he'd wanted to ask me to move with him but didn't feel like he could; I have no idea if I would have (honestly, I know my parents would have been strongly against it and that probably would have been enough to stop me at that age), but certainly wasn't going to be the one to push it regardless. So we had a sad, drawn out, and somewhat dramatic breakup and then didn't talk for over 6 years.

We saw each other once when I was newly married to my husband, and happened to be in the same place (for a mutual friend's funeral, actually). When we hugged my knees went weak, my heart started pounding, and I felt like I'd just taken a hit of something intense - all jittery and alive. When we pulled away he just stared at me with an incredulous look on his face and shakily said something about 'wow, that was...quite a hug." All that to say, I know he felt it too. We caught up briefly and all those feelings came rushing back - it was way too easy to talk to him and I remembered (or recognized, really - as I attempted to describe above, I didn't truly appreciate the true rarity of what we had at the time we were together). He wanted to stay in touch and "be friends", but I recognized pretty quickly that only bad things and complicated feelings could come from that, so we don't stay in touch. We're not connected on social media or anything - no real good could come of it. I hear from him maybe once every 3 years - he'll send a 'happy birthday, hope you're great' or something of the sort. I respond but am careful to keep the conversation brief. I'm somewhat aware that there's something about the connection we have, and I know it would be too easy to get sucked in. I know for a fact he thinks about me wistfully, and of course I have similar feelings about him. He isn't married yet and I confess that i will feel a real twinge whenever that happens. Some little part of me will always love him (I am actually repeating exactly what he said to me with that), and he shows up in my dreams on a semi-regular basis even when we haven't talked in years. BUT, we don't talk because I know it would only complicate things and I don't want to put myself through that.

Bottom line: we met too damn young and we didn't trust it. I wouldn't say that I wish i'd ended up with him instead, necessarily - I have a wonderful marriage with an amazing husband who is, in many ways, a better matched partner for me in the long run. I have enough perspective to understand that part of what makes what we had feel so special is that it was short-lived and then it ended - the idea of us is all the sweeter in our minds for not having actually been lived. I'm truly in love with my husband, I love our life together and I would never throw it away for what might have been. But yes, sometimes I wonder...

PP do you think you'll eventually end up with him?

Ah, man. I would be lying if I said my imagination NEVER goes there...but honestly much much less over the years. After I saw him again that first time, honestly - yes...there was a wild part of my brain that was sure we were soulmates and were destined to be together and I thought about him (and us) way way (way) too much. I still believe we very likely may be soulmates, if that's a thing, but with time and perspective I'm able to appreciate the beauty of the memories and the connection we had (have?) while also deliberately not entertaining escapism-type thoughts. My life wouldn't be some perfect fairytale if I was with him; we're both on our journey and I'm happy with where I am and where I'm headed. I'm at a real point of peace - I know I'll always be connected to him, even if we never see each other ever again. But I don't yearn for him or anything. I feel lucky to have felt so deeply, even when it felt torturous, and I'm still amazed that there seems to be a tiny part of me that belongs only to him - sort of a marveling at how I can still feel that little twinge so clearly when we're worlds apart and so out of touch? - I'm able to appreciate it as part of the human experience, if you will. But as for some fantasy that we're going to end up together, honestly not really. I'm sure the reality of it would be a disappointment to us both, honestly!

...I feel like I'm not explaining this well! To answer your actual question, from a practical point of view I don't believe we will end up together some day. I will never leave my marriage - which is for real very happy! It's just a different marriage (and I believe in many ways, better / healthier / more peaceful) than the hypothetical one I would have had with my ex - and I know that he very much wants to get married and have a family. So I do foresee him getting married sometime over the next...10(?) years, and realistically the likelihood of us both ever being single at the same time again seems pretty unlikely. I will confess I always picture of meeting up someday in our 70s or something, catching up and lamenting over what a weird and crazy journey this life is - but from a place of genuine affection and nostalgia, no bitterness or games or temptation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved him like no other. Unbeknown to me, he still had feelings for his college ex. Feelings that she shared and they eventually decided to reconnect, so I was cast aside. They've been married for 16 years now and have 3 kids. He has a successful medical practice. He has never regretted his decision. I, however, was devastated for years thereafter.

This story sort of happened to me. But the funny thing is, with all those hurt feelings we bumped into each other and I had absolutely no emotion. It was as if we were total strangers.

[Anonymous]

Because we lived on opposite sides of the Atlantic Ocean.

After a sad college breakup, I moved to Italy after graduation and fell in love with an Italian. We were together in Italy for a year when I had to come back to the USA for family obligations and also to work. We visited back and forth a few times and tried to make it work, we tried a little to figure out a long term plan but we were too young and he was still a graduate student (living with his parents as Italian men usually do). In the end, we were not that in love. In retrospect, the distance was a good thing because it helped me let go, but he was hot stuff!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? What were the reasons unless there was abuse, cheating, or an addiction involved? Are you still in touch with that person?

At the time, I couldn’t quite put my finger in it, but he had a victim complex that soured every experience he had in grad school. In his third year of a PhD, he switched to American Studies because he had a falling out with the tenure track new hire that he TA’d for. His grant only covered four years so he had to adjunct at three different area colleges and donate plasma to make it through the year he wrote his dissertation. I broke up with him the day after his defense because I was scared to do so beforehand. I thought he would blow his shot otherwise. Instead, he waited six years to write a novel where the protagonist’s gf is a badly disguised twisted version of me. It didn’t sell well, but circulated among mutual friends before someone sent it to me. I was not amused. I only see him at events for our grad program’s alumni.