DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.

First I think you are a troll. Adults do not get involved in highschool drama and isolating/punishing one kid. When they do, kids commit suicide. It’s called bullying. So it is not your DD(or really your) places to do anything to this boy. You are not the social enforcer for highschool and your involvement will only make things worst. First how the hell do you know what is going on? How do you know he has anger issues? My experience with girls at this age is that there are rumors, vendettas, lots of power plays for leadership of groups, manipulation of events/others to your side and lots and lots of drama(specially around boys). You say he sents weird message and give no context. Would have to see all the messages in the conversation and ask all parties involved to explain what was meant before I could make a judgement on that...I have seen weird texts messages many times only to be explained away. The biggest red flag is he has two other girls nude pictures(again how do you know he has pictures...everyone- the girls or he could be lying). Why do you think girls send naked pictures to boys? It’s because they like the boy. So two girls liking one boy....drama!

At this point, you tell your dd this is why you never send nude picture. Since you and your daughter really have know idea what’s going on, she should disengage from all parties( the boy and all the girls). You need back out of the highschool drama. Let’s says your daughter follows your advice and strikes out emotionally punishing the boy to teach him a lesson. What happens if that and the social pressure applied by the two other girls causes the boy to commit suicide? How would you feel, how would your dd feel? It’s called bullying and you are an adult. If you as an adult think there is have a problem bring it to the school.

You are way, way off the mark here. This girl has the absolute right to not be around someone who is volatile, vindictive, or nasty. And it sounds like this kid is all of those things. Your attempt to paint this as "drama" is pretty telling. Your issue is with holding someone accountable for their actions, rather than the actions themselves.

OP, I'd urge not to take a big, showy stand. I'd just subtly disengage. If he asks what the problem is, should could tell him why or, if she is afraid, just say something else plausible (claim being busy, plans with others, etc.)

What the f?? Do you even know how to read? OP said he obviously has anger management problems based on what? OP is not at school with the kid and does not know anything about the kid. You and the OP can not hold the boy accountable for his actions because you and the OP have no idea what is actually happening. This is drama that does not involve the OP’s dd and OP does not need to encourage her DD to punish anyone.

Based on the OP, as noted in bold above. Those are clear signs of an anger management issue. This is not "drama." So, in terms of reading ability, I'm not sure you should be casting stones.

[Anonymous]

Why is this boy at school? Has the school been alerted? This is serious situation and a crime.
As for OP, so glad your daughter confided in you. Is there a teacher she can cinfide in who could act as a buffer?
To tge Crazy person who insists this is drama, and the boy is the victim, nude solicitation and blackmail are crimes, not drama. Let the school investigate. Meantime OP should take no chances with her daughter. This is not micromanaging, this is parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In fact it could be dangerous to take a big stand. She should just subtly disengage. Sounds like she’s already started.

+1000

+2
No need to agitate him, she should just subtly back away.

+3

Don't stir the crazy. Just slow fade. It will offend the guy, but if she engages a big "to do", it will be worse. People like this create drama and find a reason to be angry and stir the pot, even if they are the one doing the wrong thing. Back away slowly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In fact it could be dangerous to take a big stand. She should just subtly disengage. Sounds like she’s already started.

+1000

+2
No need to agitate him, she should just subtly back away.

+3. She needs to be polite but boring, so he doesn’t notice the friendship fade.

She needs to be busy in class with schoolwork and focus on sitting with other friends at lunch.

She will become his next drama if she confronts him. People like him thrive on hating someone and making problems.

+4

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this boy at school? Has the school been alerted? This is serious situation and a crime.
As for OP, so glad your daughter confided in you. Is there a teacher she can cinfide in who could act as a buffer?
To tge Crazy person who insists this is drama, and the boy is the victim, nude solicitation and blackmail are crimes, not drama. Let the school investigate. Meantime OP should take no chances with her daughter. This is not micromanaging, this is parenting.

+1 to all the above. OP, do what the parents did in that example someone posted above. Go to the school resource officer/cops and tell the school counseling office as well, and say that they need to deal with this boy like that school did. Be crystal clear that they HAVE to keep your DD's identity out of it because of the risk he will retaliate. Unfortunately he will probably know that your DD or one of the other girls told adults about his actions, but he really does need to be dealt with by adults in authority. He's banking on the idea that the girls he threatened and blackmailed won't do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't micromanage her every social interaction at age 16. She can be cordial to people she doesn't like.

Not OP, but I really don't get this response. Kids may need help navigating things, and believe it or not some parents like to ask others to weigh in to help them figure out their response to their kid. Even I still ask my DH and friends for advice on handle things.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We sat down and discussed it. She has decided against the slow fade. She said it isn’t fair to leave someone wondering like that, and it will just drag out the unpleasantness for everyone. I asked if she was concerned about retaliation, and she said the worst he could do was photoshop her head on someone else’s nude pics.

I do have some concerns about this method, but I also need to follow her lead. We talked about the possible outcomes, and she would prefer to risk it. She isn’t going to call him out on everything he’s done. It will be a simple “X and Y aren’t comfortable sitting with you at lunch.” If there’s backlash, I will take it straight to the school administration. Her less shy friends will be there to back her up. This life lesson in empowerment is a critical one, especially for someone who tends to run away from dealing with unpleasant things/feelings.

As far as sharing the other details with the school, it isn’t my place. Those girls may not want their parents to know. I don’t have enough information to go to them, even if I wanted to. The blackmailing incidents were last school year. This type of blackmail is not uncommon. The first similar incident I heard about was in 8th grade. My DD trusts me with this kind of information, and I’d prefer it stay that way.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. I forgot to say thanks for the sane responses. It gave me a lot to think about.

To the PP who recommended the de Becker books, I read them a few years back. I’ll encourage her to read them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.

First I think you are a troll. Adults do not get involved in highschool drama and isolating/punishing one kid. When they do, kids commit suicide. It’s called bullying. So it is not your DD(or really your) places to do anything to this boy. You are not the social enforcer for highschool and your involvement will only make things worst. First how the hell do you know what is going on? How do you know he has anger issues? My experience with girls at this age is that there are rumors, vendettas, lots of power plays for leadership of groups, manipulation of events/others to your side and lots and lots of drama(specially around boys). You say he sents weird message and give no context. Would have to see all the messages in the conversation and ask all parties involved to explain what was meant before I could make a judgement on that...I have seen weird texts messages many times only to be explained away. The biggest red flag is he has two other girls nude pictures(again how do you know he has pictures...everyone- the girls or he could be lying). Why do you think girls send naked pictures to boys? It’s because they like the boy. So two girls liking one boy....drama!

At this point, you tell your dd this is why you never send nude picture. Since you and your daughter really have know idea what’s going on, she should disengage from all parties( the boy and all the girls). You need back out of the highschool drama. Let’s says your daughter follows your advice and strikes out emotionally punishing the boy to teach him a lesson. What happens if that and the social pressure applied by the two other girls causes the boy to commit suicide? How would you feel, how would your dd feel? It’s called bullying and you are an adult. If you as an adult think there is have a problem bring it to the school.

NP. Wow, you're an idiot.