DD needs to tell a guy the friendship is over

[Anonymous]

My 16 y/o daughter was good friends with a guy she had classes with for a couple of years. She found out in May that he has been truly awful to some other girls in the school. He sent one girl a threatening/weird message, and blackmailed two other girls with their nude pictures. She is assigned a seat next to him in a class, and he came to sit with her at lunch yesterday. My daughter is shy and conflict-averse, but she doesn’t want to hang out with this guy.

She knows she needs to say something, but isn’t sure how to word it. My concern is the possibility of incurring this guy’s wrath. Guys who treat girls like this should be avoided. I’m not concerned he has any pictures or blackmail-worthy info on her. There was never anything romantic between my daughter and this kid.

How much should she say? It would be nice if she could be honest, then maybe he would feel some shame or see consequences for his behavior. On the other hand, he obviously has anger issues, and a frightening reaction to rejection.

[Anonymous]

So you know every time your DD sends nudes to someone?

She doesn’t need to say anything. she can choose just not to engage him in anything more than she to need to get through her work productively.

[Anonymous]

I don't think she needs to say anything dramatic to him. Yes, it would be nice if he got the message that his behavior isn't acceptable, but he sounds like a potential problem for her. Does she have friends at school? Have her focus on other people, surround herself with friends at lunch so there's "no room" for him, respond to him minimally without making much eye contact, and generally just phase him out. If it's possible for her to privately and quietly ask the teacher to have her seat moved, maybe she could do that as well.

When you say he blackmailed girls about nude photos, can you say more about that? Did they send him the photos or did he somehow get ahold of them? What did he extort from them when he blackmailed them? So disturbing. I wouldn't advise your daughter to take this guy on head-on but instead just phase him out without drama.

[Anonymous]

In fact it could be dangerous to take a big stand. She should just subtly disengage. Sounds like she’s already started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you know every time your DD sends nudes to someone?

She doesn’t need to say anything. she can choose just not to engage him in anything more than she to need to get through her work productively.

I can say with certainty that she isn’t sending pics to boys. She’s a lesbian.

She doesn’t like the discomfort of him acting like their friendship is fine. She needs to find a way to tell him to go away at lunch time too.

[Anonymous]

You can't micromanage her every social interaction at age 16. She can be cordial to people she doesn't like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you know every time your DD sends nudes to someone?

She doesn’t need to say anything. she can choose just not to engage him in anything more than she to need to get through her work productively.

I can say with certainty that she isn’t sending pics to boys. She’s a lesbian.

She doesn’t like the discomfort of him acting like their friendship is fine. She needs to find a way to tell him to go away at lunch time too.

She could try, "Larla is my friend. I don't want to hang out with you anymore."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think she needs to say anything dramatic to him. Yes, it would be nice if he got the message that his behavior isn't acceptable, but he sounds like a potential problem for her. Does she have friends at school? Have her focus on other people, surround herself with friends at lunch so there's "no room" for him, respond to him minimally without making much eye contact, and generally just phase him out. If it's possible for her to privately and quietly ask the teacher to have her seat moved, maybe she could do that as well.

When you say he blackmailed girls about nude photos, can you say more about that? Did they send him the photos or did he somehow get ahold of them? What did he extort from them when he blackmailed them? So disturbing. I wouldn't advise your daughter to take this guy on head-on but instead just phase him out without drama.

I don’t have more info on the blackmailing. I asked, but she doesn’t know. She did say the girls sent him the pictures.

Her only friend in the class sits on the other side of this guy, so she would prefer not to move, but we discussed the possibilities. She could email the teacher and explain the situation.

The cold shoulder approach sounds like the best one.

Anonymous wrote:You can't micromanage her every social interaction at age 16. She can be cordial to people she doesn't like.

What do you do when your kid asks for advice?

I first told her to ask her best friend what to do about the situation. She gave her a great talk about not owing this guy anything, even though they used to be friends. She did not have any advice on the execution of ending the friendship. This situation is not your average social interaction. This guy shows signs that it could be risky in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In fact it could be dangerous to take a big stand. She should just subtly disengage. Sounds like she’s already started.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP- I can't offer any day to day practical advice but I will say that you sound like a great mom and you're fortunate to have a good relationship with DD (she is very fortunate as well).

Two books that I strongly recommend that both you AND your daughter read are The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift, written by Gavin De Becker. I have recommended this book to many women in my life over the years. It offers real world strategies and advice about keeping women and children safe.

https://gdba.com/resources/

Best wishes to your DD and to you. I hope that she is able to safely disentangle from that classmate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In fact it could be dangerous to take a big stand. She should just subtly disengage. Sounds like she’s already started.

+1000

+2
No need to agitate him, she should just subtly back away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't micromanage her every social interaction at age 16. She can be cordial to people she doesn't like.

You don’t seem very quick on the pick up. OP’s daughter isn’t trying to figure it how to mean girl this guy, she wants advice on the best way to disengage from a known creep, and oddly enough at 16 she realizes she doesn’t have all of the answers! She should be applauded and OP is right to offer guidance.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be to do a slow fade on someone like you describe. She can’t avoid assigned seating, but she can have to study at lunch time or need to make some calls (presuming she is at a school that allows phones) or have to see a teacher about some clarification or meet up with some people for a planning session on a club activity or other project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In fact it could be dangerous to take a big stand. She should just subtly disengage. Sounds like she’s already started.

+1000

+2
No need to agitate him, she should just subtly back away.

+3. She needs to be polite but boring, so he doesn’t notice the friendship fade.

She needs to be busy in class with schoolwork and focus on sitting with other friends at lunch.

She will become his next drama if she confronts him. People like him thrive on hating someone and making problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In fact it could be dangerous to take a big stand. She should just subtly disengage. Sounds like she’s already started.

This.