Wife lashes out at everyone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: How is your sex life? Some uptight people really need to get laid.

I can pretty much guarantee it's bad. If they were having good sex, the wife probably wouldn't be as tense; and for sure OP wouldn't be so critical of his wife even if she was still acting like this.

OP here: It's actually really good. My wife has a higher drive. She would be ok with sex two times per per. It's more like 4-5 times per week.

If I got laid 4-5 times a week I wouldn't be complaining about my wife! I'd be writing about how lucky I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did I miss it? When was your wife lashing out? The examples you gave seem like reasonable responses to situations.

My husband can be like OP's wife. I think you get what you want by being civil and direct, not by being a jerk. It's stressful because it makes me look bad by extension , and causes our young child and I to feel we need to tiptoe around him if something isn't going his way. The negativity seeps throughout the household.

I'd be angry in the restaurant situation, too. But not "beyond pissed." I'm not sure what that looks like for OP's wife, but once my dh made a fast food worker cry when they were slammed and taking forever, and got the order wrong. I was trying to calmly ask for a manager to sort it out. Dh was talking over me saying things like "why is this so hard for you?" I was so embarrassed. Anyway, op, tell your wife, in any touchy situation, that you'll take care of it. She'll see after a while that your method works and everyone's happier for it.

[Anonymous]

I think your wife has a communication style issue. Is she politely advocating for herself first and then getting mad or is she communicating poorly and then exploding when no one read her mind?

The paint thing sounds like the leasing office didn’t understand the question. They thought she was worried about being charged and she wants her wall to look nice.

At the restaurant did she flag someone down and get a milk and bread for the kid? Waitstaff can’t read minds and many parents bring snacks for their kids.

If this is a recent change, I would think about hormone changes. You have a toddler. Did she recently wean from breastfeeding or pumping? That can cause some extreme emotional swings for a few weeks. I know it caught me by surprise. Is she using hormonal birth control? I had a lot of anger issues with a widely used BC pill and I thought I was going crazy.

[Anonymous]

I agree that your wife could have found a more polite middle ground in both situations. Personally, I probably also would have also been irritated in both situations, but probably would have handled them both more calmly and politely. Unless I were in a really bad place in terms of stress, sleep and hormones, which is when I will almost predictably lose control. Luckily, I that happens only once every year or two.

BUT, I think you buried the lead here. She SAHM with a toddler and is stressed and lashes out. So what’s going on? Something isn’t right. And if your child isn’t difficult, then it’s something with her. Either she’s or has some thyroid or hormone issue or anxiety or ADHD or something. What she needs is a DH who is caring and understanding and can support her figuring this out, rather than one that’s judging and embarrassed by actions that, while rude, are not the end of the world. That is the way that you come together and act as a team; complaining and holding it against her is not.

[Anonymous]

Your wife needs to learn to keep a snack in her purse and how to clearly and politely explain her preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have a toddler your wife is likely exhausted.What is her daily schedule like? Can you take the toddler out somewhere this weekend and give her a chance to sleep in?

She's a stay at home mom. Our son sleeps great. He wakes up around 9-10 am every morning. I try to give her the day off but she is never interested. She says she will miss us.

Ok, so I know I will get bashed here, but I know a couple of stay at home moms who need to create drama out of boredom. From my point of view, when you have the drama of work you try to minimize the drama at home.

On the other hand, I know of more stay at home moms who are completely reasonable people. But for some reason, there is a subset of women (and men) who need drama in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that your wife could have found a more polite middle ground in both situations. Personally, I probably also would have also been irritated in both situations, but probably would have handled them both more calmly and politely. Unless I were in a really bad place in terms of stress, sleep and hormones, which is when I will almost predictably lose control. Luckily, I that happens only once every year or two.

BUT, I think you buried the lead here. She SAHM with a toddler and is stressed and lashes out. So what’s going on? Something isn’t right. And if your child isn’t difficult, then it’s something with her. Either she’s or has some thyroid or hormone issue or anxiety or ADHD or something. What she needs is a DH who is caring and understanding and can support her figuring this out, rather than one that’s judging and embarrassed by actions that, while rude, are not the end of the world. That is the way that you come together and act as a team; complaining and holding it against her is not.

I don't think we have to jump to medical explanations. Some folks are just uncomfortable with middle-ground communication that occupies the grey area between passive and explosive. (Look at all of the posters here who assume it has to be one or the other).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, she is right in both cases. Apartment Building companies are well known for charging people for minor things. Hungry toddler should not have to wait for food because you are at a fancy restaurant and it takes them 20+ minuets to come around.

+1

But you don't need to lash out about it. You can be polite, you know.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife is more assertive than you are. That's perfectly fine.

I'm in a similar marriage. I find my husband overly compliant sometimes when people like apartment owners and waiters do not treat him fairly. You might consider asking yourself whether you want to wait while those who come after you are served first. But perhaps you do not take care of your hungry baby? That makes life easier, doesn't eat? Ditto the painting situation. I'm betting you don't have to take care of that.

It seems like it's much easier for my husband to be patient and compliant and nice when I'm playing "bad cop." Then he can ask why I'm so bitchy when I finally make sure our meal comes and it's the right order.

God, yes, this. And I'm actually quite nice, over all. But I'm not going to be overlooked or taken advantage of, especially when I'm paying for a service! My husband once suggested he could correct the shoddy work a contractor was doing after they left, so as to avoid confronting or "being difficult" to them but requesting they fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have a toddler your wife is likely exhausted.What is her daily schedule like? Can you take the toddler out somewhere this weekend and give her a chance to sleep in?

She's a stay at home mom. Our son sleeps great. He wakes up around 9-10 am every morning. I try to give her the day off but she is never interested. She says she will miss us.

Ok, so I know I will get bashed here, but I know a couple of stay at home moms who need to create drama out of boredom. From my point of view, when you have the drama of work you try to minimize the drama at home.

On the other hand, I know of more stay at home moms who are completely reasonable people. But for some reason, there is a subset of women (and men) who need drama in their lives.

A stay at home mom with 1 toddler is bored? Are you serious? Tired yes but bored?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you have a toddler your wife is likely exhausted.What is her daily schedule like? Can you take the toddler out somewhere this weekend and give her a chance to sleep in?

She's a stay at home mom. Our son sleeps great. He wakes up around 9-10 am every morning. I try to give her the day off but she is never interested. She says she will miss us.

Ok, so I know I will get bashed here, but I know a couple of stay at home moms who need to create drama out of boredom. From my point of view, when you have the drama of work you try to minimize the drama at home.

On the other hand, I know of more stay at home moms who are completely reasonable people. But for some reason, there is a subset of women (and men) who need drama in their lives.

A stay at home mom with 1 toddler is bored? Are you serious? Tired yes but bored?

Absolutely. Raising a toddler is exhausting and active, but it can also be very, very tedious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife has a communication style issue. Is she politely advocating for herself first and then getting mad or is she communicating poorly and then exploding when no one read her mind?

The paint thing sounds like the leasing office didn’t understand the question. They thought she was worried about being charged and she wants her wall to look nice.

At the restaurant did she flag someone down and get a milk and bread for the kid? Waitstaff can’t read minds and many parents bring snacks for their kids.

If this is a recent change, I would think about hormone changes. You have a toddler. Did she recently wean from breastfeeding or pumping? That can cause some extreme emotional swings for a few weeks. I know it caught me by surprise. Is she using hormonal birth control? I had a lot of anger issues with a widely used BC pill and I thought I was going crazy.

Op here: She did not get bread but she did get one tiny appetizer. It was a Spanish tapas restaurant. Apparently my wife said I would be joining and she told the waiter she had questions about the menu. He said he would be right with her. She waited 20 minutes and then started to leave the restaurant. The waiter saw her and she asked for the check. The manager came over and made a big deal about everything. They begged her to stay. Next thing I know tons of tapas we did not order showed up at the table!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife is more assertive than you are. That's perfectly fine.

I'm in a similar marriage. I find my husband overly compliant sometimes when people like apartment owners and waiters do not treat him fairly. You might consider asking yourself whether you want to wait while those who come after you are served first. But perhaps you do not take care of your hungry baby? That makes life easier, doesn't eat? Ditto the painting situation. I'm betting you don't have to take care of that.

It seems like it's much easier for my husband to be patient and compliant and nice when I'm playing "bad cop." Then he can ask why I'm so bitchy when I finally make sure our meal comes and it's the right order.

God, yes, this. And I'm actually quite nice, over all. But I'm not going to be overlooked or taken advantage of, especially when I'm paying for a service! My husband once suggested he could correct the shoddy work a contractor was doing after they left, so as to avoid confronting or "being difficult" to them but requesting they fix it.

Yup, except my husband actually just lets them leave and either I fix it or it never gets done. I don't let him stay home and supervise the contractors any more. I hate taking time off work, but I hate having him tell me what a great job they did and having to go behind him to get substandard work corrected even more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife has a communication style issue. Is she politely advocating for herself first and then getting mad or is she communicating poorly and then exploding when no one read her mind?

The paint thing sounds like the leasing office didn’t understand the question. They thought she was worried about being charged and she wants her wall to look nice.

At the restaurant did she flag someone down and get a milk and bread for the kid? Waitstaff can’t read minds and many parents bring snacks for their kids.

If this is a recent change, I would think about hormone changes. You have a toddler. Did she recently wean from breastfeeding or pumping? That can cause some extreme emotional swings for a few weeks. I know it caught me by surprise. Is she using hormonal birth control? I had a lot of anger issues with a widely used BC pill and I thought I was going crazy.

Op here: She did not get bread but she did get one tiny appetizer. It was a Spanish tapas restaurant. Apparently my wife said I would be joining and she told the waiter she had questions about the menu. He said he would be right with her. She waited 20 minutes and then started to leave the restaurant. The waiter saw her and she asked for the check. The manager came over and made a big deal about everything. They begged her to stay. Next thing I know tons of tapas we did not order showed up at the table!

Again: not lashing out. I think you're overreacting to the email thing but you have the right to say "I want to see emails from my account before they get sent." But the waiter saying he'd be right with her and then ignoring her for 20 minutes and helping people who came in after is not okay, and she didn't cause a scene she just got up to leave.

Your wife must hate having a husband who doesn't have her back even when she's clearly in the right, and tries to make her out to be hysterical and aggressive when she's nothing of the sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your wife has a communication style issue. Is she politely advocating for herself first and then getting mad or is she communicating poorly and then exploding when no one read her mind?

The paint thing sounds like the leasing office didn’t understand the question. They thought she was worried about being charged and she wants her wall to look nice.

At the restaurant did she flag someone down and get a milk and bread for the kid? Waitstaff can’t read minds and many parents bring snacks for their kids.

If this is a recent change, I would think about hormone changes. You have a toddler. Did she recently wean from breastfeeding or pumping? That can cause some extreme emotional swings for a few weeks. I know it caught me by surprise. Is she using hormonal birth control? I had a lot of anger issues with a widely used BC pill and I thought I was going crazy.

Op here: She did not get bread but she did get one tiny appetizer. It was a Spanish tapas restaurant. Apparently my wife said I would be joining and she told the waiter she had questions about the menu. He said he would be right with her. She waited 20 minutes and then started to leave the restaurant. The waiter saw her and she asked for the check. The manager came over and made a big deal about everything. They begged her to stay. Next thing I know tons of tapas we did not order showed up at the table!

So, your wife was totally reasonable then. What is your issue?