Platonic texting and boundaries

[Anonymous]

OP is overreacting. By her own admission there’s nothing substantive in the texts. Can her DH never talk to another woman again??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is overreacting. By her own admission there’s nothing substantive in the texts. Can her DH never talk to another woman again??

I don't know, I mean there's a weird pattern here. Sure, married people can certainly talk and interact with members of the opposite sex. But a new and secret "friendship " with one woman in particular? Doesn't someone good.

[Anonymous]

There’s no such thing as an emotional affair you lunatics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no such thing as an emotional affair you lunatics.

Sure there is.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like a dirtbag looking for his next AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a dirtbag looking for his next AP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I have a poor gauge of what is normal in a marriage regarding friendships with the opposite sex, as DH had a brief emotional affair a few years ago when I was going through postpartum depression. It was a difficult time for us, but we recovered, and I feel like things have been pretty good. However, DH seems prone to conversations via text with other women that, in my opinion, become a little too frequent and slightly flirty. I don't read his texts or monitor his phone on a regular basis, but I did ask to see it after having several texts popped up over the course of a few days from a woman's name I didn't recognize. Turns out this is someone he knew during high school and they reconnected via Facebook. Nothing is subversive about the conversation - it's talk about kids, her new house, work, going to the gym... It's just a lot of conversation and what seems to me a lot of effort put into it (like pulling pictures from the internet and inserting to make a joke), just a level of attentiveness that makes me slightly uncomfortable. I am probably crazy, I don't want to micromanage his life or friendships, but what happened in the past has made me apprehensive.

I feel like there's something he's seeking in these texting relationships, whether it's validation, an ego boost, or just a little excitement. I don't think he intends to be inappropriate or start an affair, but as I've told him, it's the secretiveness of it that bothers me. If this were someone I knew or he mentioned her or talked about her in casual conversation, I would have no problem with it. It's not like I think he shouldn't talk to or be friends with other women. I just feel like he's keeping it private in a weird way. Is this normal?

OP - who reached out first? Your husband? Or this other woman? I'd be curious as to how this all started.

Also it sounds like you reach all of their conversations so far. As much as he is texting, at least he isn't deleting anything.

But you know, those who say it's a slippery slope? It is. You know that since he had an EA already. How'd he end the first one?

[Anonymous]

** read** not reach.

[Anonymous]

Wife feels in her gut that something is wrong. Husband is being dismissive of her feelings.

That sort of settles it for me. Something is off, and they need to figure it out.

YOUR decision to trust or not trust or snoop or not snoop or not care about who your spouse is texting is irrelevant. What matters here is the fact that OP is uncomfortable, and asked her DH to talk about it, and he basically called her crazy because he's "private" and tried to shut it down.

Sounds like she has reason to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

Talk to him about it more but nonconfrontationally. Explain that you trust him but it is driving you crazy.

[Anonymous]

Another poster who thinks this sounds weird. Sure, my DH of 20 years has female friends he texts with. But those are periodic targeting texts -- like around a college football weekend for old college friends, checking in how first day of school went, some texts back and forth from vacation. It would be weird if he was texting with them every day about the banalities of life.

[Anonymous]

My husband spends a lot of time texting his friends. He and several of his close friends are really, really into a particular band and they spend a lot of time talking about that band. He talks to me about it too, and will mention "Oh well Kris said blah blah blah" or "Kevin suggested I look at blah blah blah." A couple years ago, he was providing a lot of emotional support to a woman from his past who was someone that I didn't know. He distanced himself from her when it became clear to him that she had more than platonic feelings for him. At that point, he also mentioned to me, "I've been spending a lot of time talking with Emily because she's having a hard time with XYZ, but I'm stepping back because it seems like she is looking for more than a supportive friend and that's not what I'm about."

I don't care who your husband is texting with and what about. The key issues are that a) he's had issues with inappropriate boundaries in the past, b) he didn't mention this to you himself and c) he became defensive ("I'm a private person"? Too private to tell your wife about reconnecting with an old friend? Sure...) when you confronted him about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

People really are not getting what I am saying. I would not know who my husband is talking with or texting because I trust him and don't ask. He does not ask me. I assume he is talking to someone he should be talking to. If we has talking to someone from high school, I would not care. I would never know who exactly because we do not question each other and trust each other. I think when people start constantly asking who you are talking to or texting or emailing or looking at phones or computers it is really controlling, shows a lack of trust and starts eroding the relationship. We don't ask questions like this or keep tabs on each other. If a man ever did that to me, I would be out. He is not my father. Trust me or don't. Questioning behavior does not work for me.

I understand what you are talking about. I am this way. I do not ask my wife anything about who she is talking to or texting because I trust her. She on the other hand, is like the other posters on here and asks me all the time who I am texting, calling, etc... It is EXHAUSTING and we are working on it. It IS controlling and it is about insecurity and a lack of trust (and before anyone asks - NO, I never had an affair or anything else that would make her not trust me)...

Regardless, this idea of, well, we're married so I have a right to know everything about everything and that justifies me demanding to see your phone and go through your stuff and constantly ask about every text, phone call, and e-mail is bullshit. It's just an excuse to make your insecurities and lack of trust your spouses problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

People really are not getting what I am saying. I would not know who my husband is talking with or texting because I trust him and don't ask. He does not ask me. I assume he is talking to someone he should be talking to. If we has talking to someone from high school, I would not care. I would never know who exactly because we do not question each other and trust each other. I think when people start constantly asking who you are talking to or texting or emailing or looking at phones or computers it is really controlling, shows a lack of trust and starts eroding the relationship. We don't ask questions like this or keep tabs on each other. If a man ever did that to me, I would be out. He is not my father. Trust me or don't. Questioning behavior does not work for me.

I'm guessing OP assumed this the first time. And then was proven wrong. Point is, this time she knows better about this particular guy. And sounds like her instincts to question him were right, since the guy sounds like a sleaze ball and is betraying her and their marriage again.

I don't follow my DH around all day asking who he's texting either, but then again, I don't have a reason to. I would not hesitate to ask if I was wondering about something. And for the most part I do know who he's talking to or texting. And if he was secretive about it then that would be very strange.

However, I'm not sure what your point is anyway. OP knows he's doing these things. The question isn't why or how she knows, or whether you think she should have been able to find these things out, it's what should she do now.

She should work on her insecurities is what she should do.

The reason she found out is because her husbands phone kept going off. So, obviously, the phone was in a place where the OP could see or hear that it was going off... Hence, he is NOT hiding it.

If he were hiding it, he would put his phone on silent, turn off notifications so she couldn't see them, or just simply not have his phone in a place where she could see what was going on...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

People really are not getting what I am saying. I would not know who my husband is talking with or texting because I trust him and don't ask. He does not ask me. I assume he is talking to someone he should be talking to. If we has talking to someone from high school, I would not care. I would never know who exactly because we do not question each other and trust each other. I think when people start constantly asking who you are talking to or texting or emailing or looking at phones or computers it is really controlling, shows a lack of trust and starts eroding the relationship. We don't ask questions like this or keep tabs on each other. If a man ever did that to me, I would be out. He is not my father. Trust me or don't. Questioning behavior does not work for me.

I'm guessing OP assumed this the first time. And then was proven wrong. Point is, this time she knows better about this particular guy. And sounds like her instincts to question him were right, since the guy sounds like a sleaze ball and is betraying her and their marriage again.

I don't follow my DH around all day asking who he's texting either, but then again, I don't have a reason to. I would not hesitate to ask if I was wondering about something. And for the most part I do know who he's talking to or texting. And if he was secretive about it then that would be very strange.

However, I'm not sure what your point is anyway. OP knows he's doing these things. The question isn't why or how she knows, or whether you think she should have been able to find these things out, it's what should she do now.

I would ignore it. Texting someone? Who cares. Now if you walk in at midnight with no explanation, that is something else. In this case I think she’s overreacting do absolutely nothing. This kind of thing is exactly why men think women are crazy

I don't know if it is right or wrong... but a lot of times, people in relationships with crazy spouses that are controlling and insecure like OP hide things or don't talk about things - NOT because they are doing something wrong, but because they are trying to avoid the crazy that is going to ensue if they do talk about it... Why are you talking to that women... Do you love her... are you sleeping with her... I don't like it... BLAH BLAH BLAH