Platonic texting and boundaries

[Anonymous]

That would be unacceptable to me, OP, and I'm not insecure or paranoid. I text not infrequently with my (much younger) male trainer, and go out of my way to tell DH that he's gay (which he is) and also if something in the texts is funny. That is: I don't hide it. And if he weren't gay, I wouldn't be texting as much as I do.

Is your husband open to couples therapy?

[Anonymous]

You’re waiting for a fairytale that will never happen, OP.

This man doesn’t care much about your feelings. He has shown you that time and again. You keep deluding yourself that your husband cares more for you than he actually does.

If you stay with him, understand he’ll never change. He’ll keep doing what he’s been doing, and going behind your back communicating with other women.

I’d never stay married to a man that disrespects me like this, kids or no kids. But you do you. I understand some women are too weak to leave bad men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re waiting for a fairytale that will never happen, OP.

This man doesn’t care much about your feelings. He has shown you that time and again. You keep deluding yourself that your husband cares more for you than he actually does.

If you stay with him, understand he’ll never change. He’ll keep doing what he’s been doing, and going behind your back communicating with other women.

I’d never stay married to a man that disrespects me like this, kids or no kids. But you do you. I understand some women are too weak to leave bad men.

+1 : My sister is married to a man like this. He enjoys the attentions of other women and needs the ego boost. I dont think hes actually had an affair but after the third time it happened, it has effectively kiiled their marriage. My sister is still married to him in name but not in reality - separate finances, bedrooms etc. She is biding her time for when her son is in a good place to divorce him. In a way it would have been easier for her if he did actually have an affair. This way he keeps telling her she is paranoid., controlling etc. and she is never quite sure.

So sorry OP. its a tough position to be in. She has been through hell with this man.

[Anonymous]

I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

[Anonymous]

Another vote that you're definitely not being unreasonable in your expectation that your husband not carry on relationships with other women in secret. My DH does have a few female friends that he catches up with every few months (a couple he dated in the past who are now married with kids) but the conversations happen in the open where I can hear, he tells me what's going on in their lives, etc. Basically everything is the same as when he catches up with his male friends. And the description about your DH going to lengths to insert pictures and things is really not good either. I wouldn't be comfortable with that level of attention even with the women I've "approved" him to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

You’re definitely not overreacting, particular with his history of an emotional affair. Don’t second guess or doubt yourself; don’t call yourself “silly”. He really shouldn’t be private about any of this; it’s disrespectful to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

People really are not getting what I am saying. I would not know who my husband is talking with or texting because I trust him and don't ask. He does not ask me. I assume he is talking to someone he should be talking to. If we has talking to someone from high school, I would not care. I would never know who exactly because we do not question each other and trust each other. I think when people start constantly asking who you are talking to or texting or emailing or looking at phones or computers it is really controlling, shows a lack of trust and starts eroding the relationship. We don't ask questions like this or keep tabs on each other. If a man ever did that to me, I would be out. He is not my father. Trust me or don't. Questioning behavior does not work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

People really are not getting what I am saying. I would not know who my husband is talking with or texting because I trust him and don't ask. He does not ask me. I assume he is talking to someone he should be talking to. If we has talking to someone from high school, I would not care. I would never know who exactly because we do not question each other and trust each other. I think when people start constantly asking who you are talking to or texting or emailing or looking at phones or computers it is really controlling, shows a lack of trust and starts eroding the relationship. We don't ask questions like this or keep tabs on each other. If a man ever did that to me, I would be out. He is not my father. Trust me or don't. Questioning behavior does not work for me.

I'm guessing OP assumed this the first time. And then was proven wrong. Point is, this time she knows better about this particular guy. And sounds like her instincts to question him were right, since the guy sounds like a sleaze ball and is betraying her and their marriage again.

I don't follow my DH around all day asking who he's texting either, but then again, I don't have a reason to. I would not hesitate to ask if I was wondering about something. And for the most part I do know who he's talking to or texting. And if he was secretive about it then that would be very strange.

However, I'm not sure what your point is anyway. OP knows he's doing these things. The question isn't why or how she knows, or whether you think she should have been able to find these things out, it's what should she do now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

People really are not getting what I am saying. I would not know who my husband is talking with or texting because I trust him and don't ask. He does not ask me. I assume he is talking to someone he should be talking to. If we has talking to someone from high school, I would not care. I would never know who exactly because we do not question each other and trust each other. I think when people start constantly asking who you are talking to or texting or emailing or looking at phones or computers it is really controlling, shows a lack of trust and starts eroding the relationship. We don't ask questions like this or keep tabs on each other. If a man ever did that to me, I would be out. He is not my father. Trust me or don't. Questioning behavior does not work for me.

I'm guessing OP assumed this the first time. And then was proven wrong. Point is, this time she knows better about this particular guy. And sounds like her instincts to question him were right, since the guy sounds like a sleaze ball and is betraying her and their marriage again.

I don't follow my DH around all day asking who he's texting either, but then again, I don't have a reason to. I would not hesitate to ask if I was wondering about something. And for the most part I do know who he's talking to or texting. And if he was secretive about it then that would be very strange.

However, I'm not sure what your point is anyway. OP knows he's doing these things. The question isn't why or how she knows, or whether you think she should have been able to find these things out, it's what should she do now.

I would ignore it. Texting someone? Who cares. Now if you walk in at midnight with no explanation, that is something else. In this case I think she’s overreacting do absolutely nothing. This kind of thing is exactly why men think women are crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm actually kind of surprised by the responses. I thought I'd be told I was overreacting. Thanks the the perspective. It's a wake up call.

I am a woman...I Think you’re overreacting. So he texts somebody he used to know in high school? Who cares? I don’t care who my husband talks to or who he texts. I don’t ask him. He doesn’t ask me. I actually am a private person and anybody who is checking up on me about who I was calling or who I was texting would be looking at the end of our relationship. I do not like the idea that romantic partners can spy or ask questions or can demand to know everything about the person they are with. It’s invasive, it’s non-trusting, and controlling.

OP's DH has already shown that he can't be trusted. And you sound like an exception - most people in healthy marriages do not consider it normal for their spouse to have relationships with people that they aren't allowed to know about.

I am the person who posted above. I don’t think is normal are people asking another person who your texting we are phoning blah blah blah. I’m texting my mom my brother my cousin my coworker my friend if I had to be asked every time I was texting somebody or phoning somebody I would go crazy. My husband was always asking who I talk to who I didn’t talk to I will I just couldn’t stay in a relationship I think that’s crazy. So there wouldn’t be enough questions in our relationship to know whether not we’re talking to somebody secretly or not but I wouldn’t ask anyway because it is none of my damn business he’s an individual person and so am I. In almost 10 years of marriage I have never asked my husband one question about who he has texted or who he has called and he has not asked me and if the questions ever started, I would be out. That kind of behavior to me is completely controlling.

You really think it's none of your business if your husband is secretly texting with another woman you don't know several times a day/night? I think that's unusual.

+1 It's definitely unusual.

People really are not getting what I am saying. I would not know who my husband is talking with or texting because I trust him and don't ask. He does not ask me. I assume he is talking to someone he should be talking to. If we has talking to someone from high school, I would not care. I would never know who exactly because we do not question each other and trust each other. I think when people start constantly asking who you are talking to or texting or emailing or looking at phones or computers it is really controlling, shows a lack of trust and starts eroding the relationship. We don't ask questions like this or keep tabs on each other. If a man ever did that to me, I would be out. He is not my father. Trust me or don't. Questioning behavior does not work for me.

I'm guessing OP assumed this the first time. And then was proven wrong. Point is, this time she knows better about this particular guy. And sounds like her instincts to question him were right, since the guy sounds like a sleaze ball and is betraying her and their marriage again.

I don't follow my DH around all day asking who he's texting either, but then again, I don't have a reason to. I would not hesitate to ask if I was wondering about something. And for the most part I do know who he's talking to or texting. And if he was secretive about it then that would be very strange.

However, I'm not sure what your point is anyway. OP knows he's doing these things. The question isn't why or how she knows, or whether you think she should have been able to find these things out, it's what should she do now.

I would ignore it. Texting someone? Who cares. Now if you walk in at midnight with no explanation, that is something else. In this case I think she’s overreacting do absolutely nothing. This kind of thing is exactly why men think women are crazy

Way to indulge stereotypes in order to shut down conversation.