Reply to How do you know a man will be violent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]FU.  [b]There are often no signs at all. [/b] Do you think women are stupid?  do you think women want to be hit?  I dated someone 4 years and lived with him for 1 before he threatened to beat the crap out of me the first time.  He raised his hand but didn't hit me.  I told him at the time that if he ever laid a finger on me, I would call the cops and have him tossed out so fast it would make his head spin.

3 years later he threatened to beat the crap out of me again and I ended things. He was increasingly subtley abusive, jealous and control in front of all his friends and family members. If they didn't find it apalling, why should I have?  He was charming when he wanted to be and when he was cruel he was always apologetic and tried to make up for it.  He was always totally into me -  proposed, great ring, wanted to have kids.

[b]This is how they reel you in - smooth in the beginning, isolate you from your own peers, try to get you tied down economically so you can't leave and tie you to them with kids.  It's the rare abuser who starts out hitting you[/b].  [/quote]

The bolded is the gist of how it happens. Often, abusers push for commitment quickly. It seems like a whirlwind. Over a period of months, they test you with insults and physical aggression to find out what you will take. Over time, the victim of this abuse starts wearing down, cuts off family and friends and the abuser is in full control. The only variable is how often and how severely he beats you. Verbal, financial and emotional abuse are also in play.[/quote]

So, contrary to what the first PP said, there actually ARE signs - lots of signs but the 'victim' chooses to ignore/overlook them. [/quote]

It's not that the victim ignores them. Predators choose their victims. They look for vulnerabilities and then exploit them. It starts out so subtly and fom many angles that, by the time the violence starts, the victim is in so deep it is extremely difficult to get out.[/quote]

But it doesn't mean there aren't signs![/quote]

There may be a sign here and there, but it’s easier to see them and understand what they really were about in hindsight.  Their ‘off’ behavior can be excused by thinking he’s had a bad day, he’s not feeling well, it really was my fault and so on.....things normal people will think because trusting people will give someone they know the benefit of the doubt and give another chance. Abusers often are on their best behavior during the courtship and will not show the depths of their true colors until after the committment is made.

We shouldn’t be bashing the victim.  Maybe it makes you feel better to say she should have seen it coming, but that takes the focus off where it should be — that the abusive partner should not be abusing.  [/quote]

Maybe you missed the point of the entire post. OP asked how you could tell if a man will be violent. The answer is that there are usually signs in their behavior that most women rationalize away or just straight up ignore. We're not debating the morality of the abuser here.[/quote]

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