Having DD repeat 2nd grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s with the hate for holding a child back? I repeated a grade because I wasn’t reading yet and apparently was socially immature. Went on to score a perfect 800 on the SAT verbal and graduate from a top 25 school. Did not scar me for life or anything. Even in the 90s when I was in school, teachers and parents were quick to nip any teasing about the repeated grade in the bud and everybody quickly forgot about it. Do what’s best for your child’s education and overall development. Take shame and embarrassment out of the equation.

+1 I have a friend in this situation and she ended up going to an Ivy League school where we met. She is not ashamed or embarrassed.

[Anonymous]

Looking way ahead, to HS and beyond, repeating now would give you an extra year for her to figure out what to do about HS (regular degree or certificate) and college. It will give her another year in the school system which can be very helpful so you'd have 11 years instead of 10.

[Anonymous]

Personally I'd follow the advice of the school. Holding a child back isnt something that is done unless there is a very significant need.

I had asked to hold my son back in second and third grades. The school did not allow it. He never caught up - school was a struggle to the bitter end. It was hard to watch and it took a lot of work on my part to get him graduated.

Also, as far as social experiences, my son had no friends until he hit 11th grade. Kids don't hang out with kids who have that kind of difficulty in school. So I'm not sure how much it matters to stay with the peer group.

Last thought. PP is right about the transition from learning to read to reading to learn. However that stands for all subjects so if reading is difficult, it may not work to try to stay mainstreamed for social studies and science.

[Anonymous]

I’d hold back

[Anonymous]

OP, I held my DS back. He did 2 years of pre-k. I don't talk about it much on here because people assume my child is "less than" (yes, I said it). FWIW, he is not. He is socially immature. He gets along better and is able to socially keep up better with kids who are a year younger than he is. Making sure he is comfortable with his peer group has had a huge impact on his academics. He also has ADHD and language based LD's. He is learning the same material as everyone else. He is not academically at the top of his class. He was not ready at 5 to start learning in the way they now do it in K. I do sometimes lament (to myself) about the decision DH and I made. Then I see my DS at school and with his peer group , and realize that the decision was absolutely the right one. We switched schools when we held back though. I would not have done it at the same preschool (where he saw his old peer group moving forward while he was not). FWIW, I have a happy 13 yr old who has a tight group of friends and has been doing ok in school.

[Anonymous]

These people who talk about only holding kids back if they’re switching schools clearly do not have kids in public.

It is very unusual for a public school to agree to hold a child back, and getting a new school to agree to do this with a child they don’t know would be an extraordinary lift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These people who talk about only holding kids back if they’re switching schools clearly do not have kids in public.

It is very unusual for a public school to agree to hold a child back, and getting a new school to agree to do this with a child they don’t know would be an extraordinary lift.

I'm 11:03 and you are right. My child had not even gotten to K yet (so a private preschool). We did visit our neighborhood public and sat down with their team (with all of our paperwork/testing etc) and were denied an IEP. We decided to spend what we would have spent on a lawyer/advocate to get what DS needed in public, on a private instead. It was the right decision when it came to our specific public school (we were not the only family to be denied services). I do know plenty of people who have pulled out of public for a year or two (to hold back) and then gone back to public though.

[Anonymous]

Retention is always a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Retention is always a bad idea.

But in this case it is the public school that is suggesting this which is just odd. It sounds like the school cannot support her and is suggesting retention as the solution which means that she will be better served at a SN school with public funding.

If I were you, OP, I would get an advocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I held my DS back. He did 2 years of pre-k. I don't talk about it much on here because people assume my child is "less than" (yes, I said it). FWIW, he is not. He is socially immature. He gets along better and is able to socially keep up better with kids who are a year younger than he is. Making sure he is comfortable with his peer group has had a huge impact on his academics. He also has ADHD and language based LD's. He is learning the same material as everyone else. He is not academically at the top of his class. He was not ready at 5 to start learning in the way they now do it in K. I do sometimes lament (to myself) about the decision DH and I made. Then I see my DS at school and with his peer group , and realize that the decision was absolutely the right one. We switched schools when we held back though. I would not have done it at the same preschool (where he saw his old peer group moving forward while he was not). FWIW, I have a happy 13 yr old who has a tight group of friends and has been doing ok in school.

pre-k does not count as holding back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Retention is always a bad idea.

For a typically developing child who is slow to read, I agree, just holding back and hoping things work out doesn't usually - there needs to be interventions in place, and often the act of holding back hurts a child's self esteem or sense of self more than it helps with the reading.

BUT....

Perhaps for a child like OP's, whose brain develops much slower and will always do, this isn't a bad idea. OP, is she behind socially? If her brain grows more slowly, does that impact more than reading and math and impacts her social skills? IF that's true, then you might very well want to hold her back so she could be with kids she is more developmentally like.

I don't know, I think I'd speak with the school and figure out what will happen if she is held back - she'll still get the same level of intervention and help, right? Because holding her back isn't going to magically make her read better!

Also, does she have friends in her current class? Is she "one of the group", part of the class, and have lots of friends? If that's true, then I think you really need to ask her what she wants. But if she really doesn't have friends, isn't part of the gang, then why not? Because she is developmentally 2 years younger and the kids can tell? Then holding her back would help to solve that, from a social point of view.

The thing is with children with special needs, especially those with intellectual challenges: as a child develops along his/her trajectory, they still keep getting farther apart from their age mates becuase those age mates are also developing along a much faster trajectory. So what's "slightly off" at 4 years old becomes much more noticeable as they get older. Can you imagine if she's in a group of 7th graders acting like a 4th grader? That won't work for her, and it might even be dangerous as they are thinking so much farther ahead than she can - and I'd worry they could take advantage of her.

I guess you have some more thinking to do.

[Anonymous]

How does the school say holding back will help? What supports are in place for her? It sounds like she needs more reading and other supports at school and they are unwilling to provide so they simply want to hold her back. I'd hire a tutor or at least work together daily on reading and do a big push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These people who talk about only holding kids back if they’re switching schools clearly do not have kids in public.

It is very unusual for a public school to agree to hold a child back, and getting a new school to agree to do this with a child they don’t know would be an extraordinary lift.

It's unusual for public schools now to hold a kid back but it didn't used to be. Schools are more interested in shuffling kids through vs. attending to their needs b/c repeating grades cost them more money.

[Anonymous]

OP when did you go through puberty (I am assuming you are the mom)? It can be easier to hold back boys because boys who are older and go through puberty earlier than their classmates are often looked up to as they are taller and seem stronger. Often with girls it is the opposite. The early developing girl is not looked up to and can be teased and it is hard to be the only girl in 4th grade getting your period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These people who talk about only holding kids back if they’re switching schools clearly do not have kids in public.

It is very unusual for a public school to agree to hold a child back, and getting a new school to agree to do this with a child they don’t know would be an extraordinary lift.

It's unusual for public schools now to hold a kid back but it didn't used to be. Schools are more interested in shuffling kids through vs. attending to their needs b/c repeating grades cost them more money.

More relevantly, retention doesn't help, when a child is NT.