Boyfriend goes MIA when family visits

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So how old is he? A grown man who tells his SO that his mother will always come first has issues. Yes, he is a mama's boy and will be for the rest of his mother's life. Unless you are OK with always being second to his mother, you need to RUN. Just realize, he will prioritize his mother over your future children too.

I have a BIL like this who is currently in his 50s, unmarried without kids. Still loves his mother best. Not sure what he will do once she is gone. BIL is incapable of forming a deep emotional connection with people thus he clings to his mommy with whom he has the strongest connection/love.

People like this are broken and you can't fix them.

Also, BIL has been engaged and has had long term relationships, one last over 15 yrs. He just cannot fully commit (marry) anyone other than his mother.

[Anonymous]

Oh, yah, run.

At first I thought you were saying he leaves his family with you to visit, then goes MIA.

He goes MIA with all of them and you aren't involved? I'd leave now- the dynamic is so odd- and he's drawn a line in the sand where he does not need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t see the big deal. He takes you along to see them. Maybe he likes spending one on one time with them without you sometimes and the habit is just to do that when they’re on his “turf.” I have cousins and a sibling that get along wonderfully with my DH but I just genuinely enjoy the alone time with those people sometimes. Can’t you amuse yourself while he spends the weekend with them? You don’t need to always be along for the ride.

You really don't see "my mom gave birth to me, she will always come first in my life" as a problem?

+1

[Anonymous]

I don't find the dynamic of wanting a solo visit with your family odd. I did that when I was dating. The problem comes in the statement that his mom will always come first. That's not how marriage works. A man who can't put his wife first is not marriage material. A guy who sees nothing wrong with the statement is not marriage material. I've seen a marriage nearly implode for something like this. The mother died so things got better.

I think his mom and sister like you but I don't think he is ready for marriage because of that statement. It's important to have appropriate relationships.

[Anonymous]

what’s it like to be the side piece?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run

My vote too

[Anonymous]

The fact that you don't hear from him, much less are included in at least some plans, is so weird. Since you pointed this out and told him how it makes you feel and his response was "my family comes first" ( as if it were a zero sum game, instead if s chance to make you feel part of his family), you have all the information you need to make a decision. You will always come second. Can you imagine figuring out holidays? Vacations? Wedding plans? You will be.miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey there!

So, I've been dating a great guy for 2 years. We do not live together but stay at each others places frequently.
His family lives 2hrs away. When he goes to visit them for a weekend, I usually come along (as long as I don't have work or other commitments).
We have a ton of fun, hang out. It's all good. We've even been talking about getting engaged!

Here's the goofy part.

Whenever his family comes up to visit for a weekend, it's like he disappears. I don't hear from him the entire time, he barely responds to texts.
He makes plans and does stuff with them (doesnt' always include me, or makes the plans then says "you can come too").

I didn't think much of it the first year. But now we are ending 2 years together and entering 3 years and talking about marriage.

I've asked him about it and he says, "if my family (could be just his mom, or could be his mom, sister and her husband/kids) comes to see me, I take the time to make it a nice personal visit. You shouldn't be offended because I want to spend tiime with me family. They come first in my life"

Ok...................

When will he consider ME family? His sister and mom text me and often say (of course it's after they did stuff) "wish you could have joined us"
And that's HOW I know they did stuff, or what they did.

So, I said to him, "I'm not offended, I feel left out."
He said, "I'm not leaving you out, but my mom gave birth to me, she will always come first in my life"


So..................

Now I'm a little concerned that he's a mama's boy and where would he prioritize his wife and kids if that were to happen some day?

And go!

I would dump him, and tell him you hope his mom gives him as many beejs as you did!

[Anonymous]

Bail.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure I'd dump him right now. I'd need some more information.

1) does he prioritize you in other areas of his life?
2) do you hang out with friends, both yours and his?
3) does he do stuff with you that he doesn't like to do, but knows you do, so he, with a decent attitude, does it anyway?
4) does he make is own decisions? or is he always asking others like his mom, family or friends about what to do? does he make decisions or are you always making them?
5) maybe he doesn't prioritize you because technically, you aren't family yet. So in his mind, it's different. If you let him know that his behavior is making you doubt marrying him, how does he respond?

And the next time the Mom/Sister text you to say they wished you had joined them, text back "Would have loved to see you but I wasn't invited"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Impossible to tell based on what you've written, OP. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone wanting individual time with family members and friends. You don't have to be constantly joined at the hip as a couple. And he's clearly not hiding you from his family, since he invites you when they are in town, and you go to visit them together.

My only concern here is that he brushed off your feelings and made a pretty obviously insensitive statement ("my family comes first!") Does he minimize your feelings or make insensitive statements often? Or have you been over-dramatizing this in a way that makes him make unreasonable statements? That's really the more important thing here.

This. The appropriate response is to still get what he wants most of the time and compromise and invite you some times. But also say, "hey, my mom is coming in town tomorrow. I want to get lunch with just her, but you want to come hang with us later?"

[Anonymous]

Impossible to tell based on what you've written, OP. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone wanting individual time with family members and friends. You don't have to be constantly joined at the hip as a couple. And he's clearly not hiding you from his family, since he invites you when they are in town, and you go to visit them together.

My only concern here is that he brushed off your feelings and made a pretty obviously insensitive statement ("my family comes first!") Does he minimize your feelings or make insensitive statements often? Or have you been over-dramatizing this in a way that makes him make unreasonable statements? That's really the more important thing here.

I reread the OP and in fact what she said is that he does NOT invite her when they are in town. he disappears the entire time, does not text or call her. She is included when he goes to visit them, so yes he is not hiding her, but when they come (and even when they express the desire to see her too) he will not include her in any plans.

Totally reasonable for him to have some family only time, totally bizarre that when they are around, he does not even stay in contact with her, much less include her in anything.

[Anonymous]

Funny how people just want to throw out a 2-3 year long relationship

Talk to him about this and see if you can work it out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Impossible to tell based on what you've written, OP. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone wanting individual time with family members and friends. You don't have to be constantly joined at the hip as a couple. And he's clearly not hiding you from his family, since he invites you when they are in town, and you go to visit them together.

My only concern here is that he brushed off your feelings and made a pretty obviously insensitive statement ("my family comes first!") Does he minimize your feelings or make insensitive statements often? Or have you been over-dramatizing this in a way that makes him make unreasonable statements? That's really the more important thing here.

I reread the OP and in fact what she said is that he does NOT invite her when they are in town. he disappears the entire time, does not text or call her. She is included when he goes to visit them, so yes he is not hiding her, but when they come (and even when they express the desire to see her too) he will not include her in any plans.

Totally reasonable for him to have some family only time, totally bizarre that when they are around, he does not even stay in contact with her, much less include her in anything.

No, she says he doesn't always include her, but sometimes invites her after the plans are made.

I would prioritize plans with someone I love and see rarely, over someone I love and see every day. For example, my brother comes to visit for maybe 3 days once a year, and I make sure that I see him every day. I don't think that's weird.

[Anonymous]

How old is he? Are there cultural issues at play?

If he’s very young, I feel like there might be hope. But if he’s mid-30s and there are engrained cultural priorities (that aren’t you), then you better run. It doesn’t sound like there’s cultural issues though, since his mother wants to include you.