Boyfriend goes MIA when family visits

[Anonymous]

Hey there!

So, I've been dating a great guy for 2 years. We do not live together but stay at each others places frequently.
His family lives 2hrs away. When he goes to visit them for a weekend, I usually come along (as long as I don't have work or other commitments).
We have a ton of fun, hang out. It's all good. We've even been talking about getting engaged!

Here's the goofy part.

Whenever his family comes up to visit for a weekend, it's like he disappears. I don't hear from him the entire time, he barely responds to texts.
He makes plans and does stuff with them (doesnt' always include me, or makes the plans then says "you can come too").

I didn't think much of it the first year. But now we are ending 2 years together and entering 3 years and talking about marriage.

I've asked him about it and he says, "if my family (could be just his mom, or could be his mom, sister and her husband/kids) comes to see me, I take the time to make it a nice personal visit. You shouldn't be offended because I want to spend tiime with me family. They come first in my life"

Ok...................

When will he consider ME family? His sister and mom text me and often say (of course it's after they did stuff) "wish you could have joined us"
And that's HOW I know they did stuff, or what they did.

So, I said to him, "I'm not offended, I feel left out."
He said, "I'm not leaving you out, but my mom gave birth to me, she will always come first in my life"


So..................

Now I'm a little concerned that he's a mama's boy and where would he prioritize his wife and kids if that were to happen some day?

And go!

[Anonymous]

Run

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Run

+1

[Anonymous]

Time to find a different guy!

[Anonymous]

I agree, run. His family clearly wants to include you and yet he's deliberately keeping you apart while telling you that you will always come second to his birth family. This is not a recipe for a happy marriage.

[Anonymous]

You're being given the information you need. Decide your future accordingly. Do NOT assume this will change.

[Anonymous]

He has shown you who he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're being given the information you need. Decide your future accordingly. Do NOT assume this will change.

Yes. Face reality.

[Anonymous]

Interesting.... guys usually get a bad rap for not fostering relationships with their family. But when they do have close relationships, they're labelled as a momma's boy to be avoided.

[Anonymous]

Impossible to tell based on what you've written, OP. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone wanting individual time with family members and friends. You don't have to be constantly joined at the hip as a couple. And he's clearly not hiding you from his family, since he invites you when they are in town, and you go to visit them together.

My only concern here is that he brushed off your feelings and made a pretty obviously insensitive statement ("my family comes first!") Does he minimize your feelings or make insensitive statements often? Or have you been over-dramatizing this in a way that makes him make unreasonable statements? That's really the more important thing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting.... guys usually get a bad rap for not fostering relationships with their family. But when they do have close relationships, they're labelled as a momma's boy to be avoided.

It is great that he has a wonderful close relationship with his mom and siblings. The issue is that he is not including his girlfriend of 2 years in any plans. The family has already met the girlfriend and has approved of her. They text the girlfriend and tell her that they missed her on their outing etc., which signifies that he is not telling his family that he did not invite her.

Some of the plans with the family seems to be communal in nature - ie - anyone could join in and be included. GF is not asking to be included in the family therapy session or a family intervention for the drugged out relative etc. She is asking to be included in things where the family will be cool including the girlfriend.

My take is that this guy is not into OP. She is the stop-gap girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had this forum when I was dating my now ex husband. Seriously this is a much deeper issue and already feels bad and off to you. It will only get worse. Ask him what he means by 'my family comes first' and when you and possible kids would become family but be ready for his answer.

[Anonymous]

I thought this would be a totally different post where he hides when your family comes. What does he say when you tell him his family wanted you there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this would be a totally different post where he hides when your family comes. What does he say when you tell him his family wanted you there?

I haven't told him that they text me after the fact. It's happened the last 2 times they came up, so that is "new". I'm not sure what the conversation was that may have brought on the text, but his mom and sister both texted me that last 2 visits when they all went out to dinner and mini golfing and said "wish you could have joined us" I responded with "me too"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought this would be a totally different post where he hides when your family comes. What does he say when you tell him his family wanted you there?

I haven't told him that they text me after the fact. It's happened the last 2 times they came up, so that is "new". I'm not sure what the conversation was that may have brought on the text, but his mom and sister both texted me that last 2 visits when they all went out to dinner and mini golfing and said "wish you could have joined us" I responded with "me too"

His family likes you more than he does. If he wants to marry you he should be prioritizing you, but sounds like he's shown you his true feelings - you should be with someone who prioritizes you!