Boyfriend goes MIA when family visits

[Anonymous]

In the words of the great Maya Angelou:

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

He's telling you loud and clear. Also he sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

He said, "I'm not leaving you out, but my mom gave birth to me, she will always come first in my life"

Um.

[Anonymous]

I really don’t see the big deal. He takes you along to see them. Maybe he likes spending one on one time with them without you sometimes and the habit is just to do that when they’re on his “turf.” I have cousins and a sibling that get along wonderfully with my DH but I just genuinely enjoy the alone time with those people sometimes. Can’t you amuse yourself while he spends the weekend with them? You don’t need to always be along for the ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting.... guys usually get a bad rap for not fostering relationships with their family. But when they do have close relationships, they're labelled as a momma's boy to be avoided.

"I'm not leaving you out, but my mom gave birth to me, she will always come first in my life" is beyond having a close relationship with your family. That's telling your GF of two years that she will never come first. That means that either he has zero intention of marrying her or, if he does, she will always come second to his mother. My husband is close to his family, but he would never say something like that.

[Anonymous]

Yeah no. I would run. This is the kind of guy who will let his mother treat you as badly as she wants and never, ever side with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t see the big deal. He takes you along to see them. Maybe he likes spending one on one time with them without you sometimes and the habit is just to do that when they’re on his “turf.” I have cousins and a sibling that get along wonderfully with my DH but I just genuinely enjoy the alone time with those people sometimes. Can’t you amuse yourself while he spends the weekend with them? You don’t need to always be along for the ride.

You really don't see "my mom gave birth to me, she will always come first in my life" as a problem?

[Anonymous]

Ewww his mom comes first in his life? Not if you were married. I bet his mom told him that and he's just repeating it.

[Anonymous]

Are some of you missing where he doesn’t reach out to her at all when his family is present and barely responds to her texts???

[Anonymous]

This issue will get worse once married. They (his family) will always come first.

You should leave him and find someone who is willing to put you first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought this would be a totally different post where he hides when your family comes. What does he say when you tell him his family wanted you there?

+1 I was sure he went into hiding when her family showed to which I would respond #jealous

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't see a problem with it. Maybe it isn't what you would do, how you would handle it, but you can choose/or not choose to have it bother you. If all else is good, it wouldn't be significant to me.

We are all slightly different when we are with our families. He may miss the closeness. I do wish I had given my DH more time to be alone with his family without me. Now decades later and his parents deceased, I wish that.

[Anonymous]

They come first in my life

Op, are you absolutely sure about this? He spoke these words? ... He didn't mean, "they come first in my life when they have gone to the trouble to come and visit" ..?
There is no way a reasonable person (you) wouldn't have clarified this, asked exactly what he meant. There is no way a reasonable person has to post this sentence and have to ask others if, taken as written, this is problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don’t see the big deal. He takes you along to see them. Maybe he likes spending one on one time with them without you sometimes and the habit is just to do that when they’re on his “turf.” I have cousins and a sibling that get along wonderfully with my DH but I just genuinely enjoy the alone time with those people sometimes. Can’t you amuse yourself while he spends the weekend with them? You don’t need to always be along for the ride.

You really don't see "my mom gave birth to me, she will always come first in my life" as a problem?

Not really, no. Not if his other actions make me feel loved and respected. Which, wanting one on one time with family when they’re in town (especially if I’m included with them at other times) does not make me feel disrespected unloved.

And judging from a lot of the posts about mothers’ children on these boards, it seems like y’all will expect no less from your own sons!

[Anonymous]

For him to actually verbalize to you that his Mother will always come first means you will always play second fiddle to her.

Always.
He will always be dedicated to her more than he will ever be to you.

If this is acceptable to you, then so be it.
Just don’t say I didn’t warn ya!

[Anonymous]

So how old is he? A grown man who tells his SO that his mother will always come first has issues. Yes, he is a mama's boy and will be for the rest of his mother's life. Unless you are OK with always being second to his mother, you need to RUN. Just realize, he will prioritize his mother over your future children too.

I have a BIL like this who is currently in his 50s, unmarried without kids. Still loves his mother best. Not sure what he will do once she is gone. BIL is incapable of forming a deep emotional connection with people thus he clings to his mommy with whom he has the strongest connection/love.

People like this are broken and you can't fix them.